oh yes, the proverbial brown stuff hitting the swiftly moving rotary blades was the scene tonight. arguing if i'm a liar, mocking, ridiculing, shaming and blaming for everything. indeed, she cannot recall a single thing that i've done which was for her benefit in 14 years and thus it's all be wasted. she blames me for making her have our son!
i didn't make her do anything, of any sort, at any place. she claims that she felt like she had to or i'd leave her, playing on her abandonment issues. i've got those of my own! the last thing i want is to be abandoned!
it's just horrible here now. it was cold between her and i today and it's going to get worse, quickly. at this point, right before she went to bed, she said "i don't want to work it out with you." cursed a lot at me and went upstairs to bed. i had my dinner (was in the garage fixing the garage door and didn't get told dinner was ready and then they went up for bath and bed before i was even done) went down to the basement and cried for about 15 mins, yelled at myself in the mirror, behind four closed doors, that i shouldn't tell her things any more that are sensitive cause she uses them against me.
they are legitimate personal insights and breakthroughs regarding the nature of my being and the tone and tenor of my character and revealing them requires a great deal of trust...and i have no idea why i still give that to her. i suppose that she has me fairly convinced that this was all my fault...every bad thing or misfortune in our lives was directly or indirectly my fault and she went along with them because she was high, we both we're... we're both dealing with a great deal of personal trauma and it got her off alcohol...it's a main part of our work to stop numbing our feelings and actually experience them.
so. i feel like that's it. i've never seen her change her mind once it's made up and i've never been on the receiving end of her anger like this. it is hard for me to deal with actually, i'm still very much in love with her and find her to be very beautiful. i get intimidated around women i find attractive *sigh* makes it hard to be present and mindful about what is going on and... suddenly....
i wonder if she knows me well enough (and she does) to know that she can guilt trip me in such a devastatingly hard manner if she chose to...and i hope she isn't doing that but it sure is difficult not to feel as if this has all been my fault.
