They pushed back the start of everything by two hours...which stinks because I could've went to bosses house. I missed out on some fun, but oh well.
Before I left I made a stop at the store. I text messaged the W and asked if they needed anything. I bought some board games and barbie dolls for my D's and I to play with. I grabbed what they needed and headed over there.
My PMA was up until I pulled into the parking lot. I took a deep breath and knocked on the door. When it opened I was very cheerful and said hi to everyone and asked how they were doing. I gave my ladies their games and barbies. My youngest and I went and played with her new dollhouse. After a bit I played a board game with my oldest.
The atmosphere was...miserable. I tried to make the best of it. I didn't want to hole myself up in the girls' room so I went out in the living room and tried to get some people to play a board game with us. Everyone kind of ignored it, so I ended up playing with my oldest.
I don't know if it's because I was there or if it has always been this way and I am just realizing it because I've been gone awhile, but it seemed like a cloud of negativity was sitting over the room. I think it was a mix of both. I can understand why most of the people there would not want to talk to me. Who knows what the W has said about me. None of them know about the affair. There's a lot that they don't know about this thing. So, who can really blame them? Her mom has been trying to get the W to divorce me for years. She tried to sabotage the wedding. We had to take her out a couple days before and tell her that no matter what the wedding was going to happen. She was nice to me, but in a way that seemed to be rubbing the situation in my face. I never felt apart of her family, so it was par for the course....except amplified by 10.
I tried, I really really tried. I couldn't cut through the misery in that room. I tried communicating. When they would come over in the past I always holed myself up in my room and kept to myself. I tried to come out and play, but they didn't seem to want to. Maybe they were upset because I didn't eat as soon as I got there. I told them I had already eaten before I came and I would grab something later. I fully intended to. I feel bad, but they pushed everything back a couple hours and I was starving.
One of my D's friend and her mom came over. At that point, my D wasn't really up to playing with her old man...My youngest was exhausted and ready for bed. At this point I just figured it was time to go. I went for my kids...no one really felt like talking or doing anything...my W seemed indifferent to me being there. She was outside on her deck smoking and talking to her friend. I knocked on the window and motion that I was leaving and thank you.
I'm not sure anyone saw any changes in me. I wasn't there for very long. I just felt a big wall was blocking my PMA. I can't control how they view me. I didn't go there to win my W back, I went there for my kids. We played, we had fun. It was short, but oh well.
I did my part and faced everyone there with a smile. I did notice a few things though. My MIL is negative. Nothing is ever good enough. My W had tried for as long as I can remember to get her approval. If her mom said move, she did it. She'd cancel or change plans we had because her mom wanted to come by or whatever. I see now that nothing is good enough for my W now. I have been looking for her approval. I no longer need that validation from her. I'm very hurt over everything. I mean it HURTS. But, I'm going to be fine either way. I'm happy with who I am. I do feel like a chunk of me is missing and I am certainly grieving...but I have an underlying sense of happiness. I don't feel it all the time, but it's there. It's going to take time and I'm starting to come to terms with that.
I'm working hard and I'm seeing I've changed more that what I thought. I have a long way to go. I'm sure I messed up tonight somewhere, but I'm growing. My W chooses to see what she sees. There's nothing I can do about that. I'm not going to walk on eggshells in order to gain her approval.
All in all, it was rough. I'm sure I didn't impress anyone or help my cause any. But, I had fun with the kids and that is what matters. A year from now tonight will be a distant memory. If I messed up by not eating or not staying a long time, then I messed up. Who knows?
One funny thing though. Her brothers live literally on the next street from my house. I've even had one of them say that they drive by my place and I'm never there. So, I know they notice if I'm there or not. Well on the way home I acquired a flat tire. So I parked a bit away from my house and walked the rest of the way. It's dark and I'll deal with the tire tomorrow. What's funny is it looks like I'm not home. So it appears that I left, but never went home. Unintentional, but yet mysterious...and funny.
I hope you understand that is likely just as "common" as any "better" result... Your experience was the same as mine last Christmas which is why I stopped attending any "joint family" gatherings.
A detached look back on my experience would suggest there was nothing I could have done to "make it a better experience". It truly wasn't about MY behaviour only. There was a definite sense of being uncomfortable to the more overt displays of... exclusion of me...
Try not to beat yourself up about it. Chalk it up to experience. It is as likely as not that anything you could have different would have made it any better.
My take is, the kids would notice you are not that. The ALSO and JUST AS POWERFULLY would notice the uncomfortable environment and recognize it is not YOUR fault, exclusively...
My choice is to provide the least uncomfortable experience for the kids... I know that any "event" that I celebrate with my kids is done with the most joy and cheers as I can provide... it's the only thing I can control... rather than having only one event which... well... how can TWO of a good thing, be a bad thing...?
As they say, do what works... stop doing what doesn't... adjust as necessary...
I think the kids did feel a bit uncomfortable. I tried, that's all I can do. I have some time to think about it, but I think two Christmases may be a good idea. I have around a month...a lot can happen in a month, so I'll play it by ear. In the meantime I'm not going to let it occupy my head. It was a good learning experience. I tried something, it didn't work.
I thing WHG is right when he said...
Quote:
Quite frankly, at this point in her process, she's all about her and her needs so interpret most things in that light
Woke up feeling good this morning. I had a flat tire...put on the spare and it was flat too. I notice if I keep a calm head and look at the situation for what it is, and understand that it will work itself out, it's actually funny. Who needs to watch a comedy when you live it?
Is it weird that I want to thank the W for this whole thing? It really has kicked me out of the rut that I was in. It's almost as if this had to happen for me to become the real me. I'm appreciative in a way...I'm learning so much.
That is all for now. Now off to work on my tax audit...woohoo!
Well I for one am frickin' proud of you. You faced your greatest fear head on and did with grace and dignity. YOu said in the past you usually would hole yourself up away from everyone. Well they probably weren't used to you being the new you.
Let's face it. You can't please and you shouldn't be pleasing them. If they don't want to be in your awesome presence, f@ck em. Your W invited you, it's not like you crashed the party.
I felt the same way when I saw my in laws for the first time after the bomb. It gets better each time. Nice going.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I'm missing my W and D's very much tonight. I think it's because we did something together as a family the last two nights. I decided last night that I should pull back. I don't want to suffocate her by being around too much. I'll let her contact me if she needs anything....until then I'm doing my own thing.
Journaling.... W dropped off the kids today. She saw me and gave me a huge smile. I Miss those smiles. Come to think of it, I haven't seen her smile like that in a very long time. She came in and hung around a bit. We get along just fine. She's very nice to me. Is she softening? Maybe she's not feeling pressure from me. Either way I think it's a baby step....or not. Maybe she's in a new relationship. I need to stop worrying about it right now. It doesn't matter. This is not about her anymore. It's about taking care of me...this is my time now.
I wanted to get some opinions on something. As you have know I'm being audited by the IRS. I've been going through my bank statements (for 2009 and 2010) line by line separating each transaction into its proper category. I noticed that right after my W's 31st birthday (she will be 33 in a few months) her smoking increased quite a bit. From around $35 a month to $60-$70 a month. She always claimed she smoked because is reduced stress. Could this possibly have anything to do with her MLC? Just a coincidence?
In one of your earlier posts you said that my W is so script it's funny and that I could stay a step ahead of her. Being that she's so nice to me lately..she's even calling me for things and when I don't answer she waits and calls me again rather than texting me... What should I be expecting next? The "alien" returning and anal probing me right before she devours my flesh and bones?
I know the LBS can interpret niceness as an olive branch. WHG made an excellent point that it's more likely that this is their way of alleviating their own guilt. I was just 3-4 weeks ago that she told me that she didn't want to give me the wrong impression and she has no desire to be with me. I'm assuming that she still feels this way. I just feel like we are getting too close for comfort right now and I don't know what's coming next.
Long story short...I guess I am wondering how you know that you are seeing baby steps? How do you know if they are real or imagined?
This is probably where patience comes in to play. I am assuming I should stay on course by only contacting her about emergencies or the kids. She needs that space. Obviously, I need to work on me...that's the most important thing.
