Do I stay or do I go?

[verycrazy]

You have really gotten the detaching thingy down well.
He may well have been "checking" to see if you were available. I guess you are becoming a mystery to him; he doesn't know what you are doing. It will be good for him not to know.
vc

[Abbey]

VC, the detached comes and goes and is a process where you can slip and feel like complete crap. I guess I've been on the train once before, so I don't beat myself up about so much about the slips anymore.

Sometimes you have to give them their cake for a while... and then pull back in little areas.

FWIW, even when I don't cuddle with H on the couch... he'll eventually reach out. It's hard not to reach out and touch him... so I'll touch him for like 3 seconds and then pull back. He follows the dance.

I have decided to try to treat those little 3 seconds type touches as baby steps instead of R talks. They're seemingly so innocent, but they get used to the touch and human nature tends to push their brain to want the contact.

[anyhope]

Well, we'll see how I hold up. I have to keep my thinking straight for school as my time to finish it is limited.. Very limited, so trying to focus on that. I have rebooked my exam again for 2 weeks from now.
As I've moved out we don't have those couch moments and we didn't have it prior to me leaving as he would pretty much spend all his free time on the phone with ow.
Now however he was over the other day sat on the couch in a position where he touched me slightly. There was space for him to keep the space if he wanted to, but he didn't want to I guess. He also tends to ask for hugs and kisses when he leaves and looks at me with feelings sometimes. Whereas before I left he treated me like a piece of furniture.. That felt terrible.. Throw in a few heartfelt conversations he would have with ow that I overheard.. It was killer, so now at least it's just me and the dog and no negative feelings lingering in the air.
Btw he did call me last night at 12:30 to ask me about a tv cable I had issues with.. Soured like he wanted to chat but I told him I was almost sleeping so he said he'll come over today to see whats wrong with the cable..
He clearly wants to spend time with me.. Also I felt a bit happy he called me last night as he went out for a cigarett. He would always go for a cigarett and call ow while I was still home. Now she's there he goes for a cigarett and calls me. Not a huge accomplishment but I really hope he would call me enough to piss ow off

[anyhope]

Souded ( hate auto correct)

[anyhope]

Omg.. Sounded .. There we go..

[Abbey]

Honestly, being away from this "first hand", is simpler. Easier to deal with. They're getting the dose of reality needed to hopefully go back to you. Best advice I can give you, make sure when that time comes you AGREE to get counseling. It was the mistake we made and thus... the drama continues.

[anyhope]

Agree to whom? I don't see h approaching me with such ideas. He is not the type of guy who'd be interested in counselling. The other day.. 2 or 3 days ago he didn't call. He called the next day.
I got a bathroom cabinet from Ikea which he came over to put together for me yesterday. He was in gym clothes, not sure if ow knew he was here but his friend he goes to the gym with called while he was here and he cancelled the gym. Ow also called.. I think it was her at least and he didn't pick up. Once he was done he said he'd come by tomorrow. I said fine. Really I felt like asking him why he wants to come over.. But I didn't. Today he called and came over in the evening. I had some friends come over as well shortly after so we didn't have too much time alone, he played with the dog and said he wants ow to move out.. Or will ask her to move out.. Something like that I forgot the exact wording.. I made a joke out of it, did not ask why nor made any comments. I think if he asks her to go it might be the end of their relationship... At least I hope so.

[Abbey]

What I meant was that you make it a non negotiable item to get MC together when/if the time comes for him to come back. This sitch isn't something you two can wade through without pro help. Seriously, as delicious and tempting as it is to jump in with both feet if/when they show any interest in getting back together... Enter with caution!

[anyhope]

Oh I see what you mean.. The thing is I'm not about to jumb back in.. I would have jumped right back at one point.. A few months back when he first told me about ow and how he no longer loved me. I would have jumped right back as I've told him a few times that I understand where he is coming from, our marriage was far from perfect, our sexlife almost non existent, so I was open to putting the hurt aside and work on the marriage. He decided that he just didn't love me and nothing I do will change that. He'd say hurtful things to me, and about me to our friends and lot of them were hurtful because they were not true. At the same time ow was just perfect in every way. I stopped the fight and lived beside him for a few months listening to him talking to ow, talking about her.. Some things he'd say to her he never ever said to me and a lot of times id sit in a room and think if he ever loved me.. And my answer was he probably didn't. (or maybe he did when we got married but I can't remember that time anymore)

I got so tired of being sad, unappreciated, rejected and all of those.. I'm not about to jump right back into anything. Especially after that one episode where ow got herself some other dude for a few weeks and h came to me as depressed as ever, he agreed to work on us. He didn't tell me about the other guy ow had. He just said he was done with her. Made no attempt to work on us.. In fact he had stated he will not ever apologize for what he did or anything like that. So basically at that point he was waiting for me to bend over backwards to please him.. All until ow called him and said they should meet and off he went and I no longer mattered again.. How can I ever trust him after this? What if he does the same thing 10 years from now when I'm no longer young, may have a kid or two and become a single mother because hes not happy again.

I mean it really scares me. I still care for him and love him in a way but I'm not at all thinking of rushing back to him should ow leave because I'm not sure he would ever love me as I'd like to be loved for once. And I'm not sure if I could ever trust him, this combo right now is not very inviting, so I'll see how things go. If I do take him back it will not be quick.. After all this pain I'm just not emotionally ready for that..

Btw he is coming over today as well so I'm not sure what his plan is.. Almost seems like he is thinking of getting rid of ow and preparing to get closer to me so once she leaves... I don't know what he's thinking.. We'll see what happens.

[verycrazy]

I think you are extremely wise to be cautious with him. If he is ready to ditch ow, he may test the waters to see if you are ready and waiting for his signal to jump right back in. He probably thinks that is just what can happen.

Wow, that was a dirty thing to do when ow got with another guy, and your H brought his depression over to you, only to whizz right back out when she crooked her skanky finger to him. How can you trust him again after that? You can't. At least not for a long time, with a lot of counseling.

If that is what happens when he gets ow out, you have a lot of thinking to do, and I believe you kind of will have the upper hand; it will be your decision to make, and to take your time doing so. Time really is on YOUR side.

vc