Forward, slow as she goes

[BeingMe]

So, H left on Thurs for another 3 weeks away from "home". I am so glad that I am not into the Christmas thing, otherwise it would be pretty sad not having someone to shop with me. It's always the children putting up the decorations, and H and D19 had the tradition of getting a tree. I guess that's over ... we didn't have a tree last year. My thing was making the Christmas feast, and I think I did a pretty good job, when I did it, which was a couple of years ago. We tend to be somewhere else nowadays, which is fine with me. Do I sound bah-humbug-ish? I guess I am somewhat. All the stories about miracles, and joy, and merriment, just seems a little false. Years ago, I used to believe the magic. Carols used to ring through our house, and I would hum and sing. Not anymore, I have seen behind the cut-out Santa Claus board. You know what's there? Little elves smoking and playing cards and counting their money. Why should there be Christmas miracles? Why not everyday, ordinary sorts of miracles, like H freaking well waking up!!! But, if he does now, it's too late. The bell has rung, the choir has gone home, the kids have grown up, and he chose to be a jerk. And, I finally, finally got the message.

He was acting mean to me the other day. You know, that low key type of mean, passive-aggressive, that you're not sure if it is, but deep down you really know that he's being impatient with you, and holding back. As per my new way of handling him ... I just ignored it, and walked away. But, I was feeling sick and sad still. I was at my computer and I put on some music to help soothe me ... good ol' Celtic dancing music. Woo Hoo! I just decided right there and then to get up and start dancing, twisting around, my hands in the air. H was lying on the couch. He looked up and asked me what I was doing. I replied, "dancing". "Why," he asked. "Because it makes me happy," I said. "Come dance with me," I asked. He just looked at me as if I was nuts. And maybe I am, but my mood changed, and I showed him that I can dance alone, and he missed a good opportunity. Right there, I knew, he was always going to be a grumpalumps (not always, but generally), who moans and whines, and can't dance with his W because he thinks he'll look foolish. So what! My D19 came up to see what I was doing, and she started to sing to the music. It was FUN!