yes, we've been working on all manner of things to deal with the ptsd anger stuff and it's mostly working, oh i still get angry but i'm not yelling or anything like that. by the same token, she's not been up in my face screaming though that may change some tonight... she's really pissed off at me for my online activity, again.
i keep wondering why it is that i feel like i've been beaten and simply want to give up. she said she didn't give a crap about the relationship any longer and then gets upset at me being online...so does she care or not? i tend to think that she does, on some level, and is wanting me to demonstrate that i'm the person that she wants me to be.
the problem with that is that i *have* to be the person that i am not the person that she needs me to be or wants me to be for that matter. ideally, we'd both accept each other as we are rather than only accepting each other if we conform to what each other wants or would like.
i think that i finally felt her being detached from me the other night and i've been grieving this for the better part of 60 days now... i suspect i will for some time to come regardless of how things work out for me personally...that said, i think i am getting to a place where i can accept the reality of her statements and don't have any particular desire to try to dissuade her of her ideas to leave.
i'm a good person, with good qualities and i'm worth a second chance. if she chooses not to allow that, then so be it.
the fact is being a good role model to my son means that i have to stick to my principles and do what i need to do to show him, demonstrate for him, that one must be who they are and pursue their dreams despite the cost involved for, in the end, we each come into this world alone and will leave it alone.
she screamed at me today that i was a liar and that she couldn't trust anything that came out of my mouth...of course she's said this on several occasions since i've been home from the trauma unit so it's not like anything particularly new in that regard and she's only accusing me of it because she didn't really listen to what i was saying to her and thought i said something that i didn't. it's been like that for years though.
