Thank you, Sandi2, for your considerate thoughts. In response:
The seminar came about as follows: after my W went to a lawyer (early November) and then told me that her filing was an inevitability, I remembered hearing about the "out-of-court" D program offered in our State. I sent my W the program's information in an e-mail and asked her if the program was something that she would be willing to consider as an alternative to what she said she was going to do. She read the program's FAQs and told me that she was very interested in learning more about the program's "collaborative" services. (This is in keeping with her repeated statements that she wants to put the children first during the D process.) The program has one orientation meeting for new couples each month. The Decemember meeting is on the 10th. There is a small fee to attend the meeting (which I said that I would cover); during the orientation a lawyer, a mental-health professional, and a financial planner discuss D; the meeting is held at a local church and lasts about an hour. The meeting is not court-ordered.
I would love to reschedule the meeting; however, my concern is that if I try to reschedule my W (1) will go back to her lawyer because she does not want to wait any longer to "get the ball rolling," and/or (2) will accuse me of failing to follow through with the previously-agreed-upon plan (something that has been an on-going criticism during our M) and/or (3) will see the delay as attempt to slow down the D process (something that she knows that I do not want and that she says that she wants). I would appreciate the opportunity to have more time to demonstrate how awake I have become to our relationship and how I have changed but, honestly, I do not know how to propose it to my W. Do you have any suggestions?
Good suggestion on the goal. Will do. Co-worker only. Got it. Frankly, after my contact with DB, I have made a concerted effort to stop pursuing through attempting to have talks, sending lengthy, heart-felt e-mails, etc. I have found myself slipping at times, e.g., saying during conversations that she has initiated in various contexts that she looks attractive, is a good mother, and is a hard worker.
A few other things:
One thing my W has told me is that because I was absent from the M in the past, she has had to handle everything on her own and, therefore, the prospect of going it alone does not bother her. (The point being, I am not certain that she believes a D will present much of a change in terms of her wearing the big-girl pants.) To answer your question, presently, I am helping with all the household work; I do the dishes, the laundry, make the bed, run the vaccuum, help with/do the children's baths, etc. Much to my shame, my W is correct, I did not do many of these things in the past. Frankly, given the way I have stepped it up, on many nights there are very few chores for her to do. I should like your opinion on whether my new-found (and long-overdue) contributions to issues of family maintenance are working in my best interest.
In keeping with the spirit of working on myself, I spent the majority of yesterday de-cluttering our basement (the accumulation of clutter being one of the on-going issues my W has with me). The trash is in bags and ready to go to the curb. I have been de-cluttering since the S in October. As a result, we are now able to move more freely in the basement. This de-cluttering was very important to me because the accumulation of junk has always bothered me. I simply did not do enough about it until I realized what a negative impact it has made on our M. Prior to DB, I would point out my progess with this process; after yesterday's clean up, I said nothing.
Yesterday also presented a hiccup: my W took the children to her family's house for the holiday. I was not invited. She and the kids spent the night. I forgot/don't remember being told that they were going to spend the night. I asked about the sleep-over provisions and she told me that she had told me about the sleep over and that she felt that I had not been listening to her (the night before she had a family dinner that I forgot about and she referenced that too when telling me that I had not been listening.) On neither occassion was she/they late nor did she/they have to alter her/their plans in any way. After she said that I was not listening she asked me if I wanted her to cancel the sleep over. I said no and I told her that it was not a big deal and to go and have fun. Did I handle this correctly?
My W has seen a female C three times in the last two weeks. My W says the C is "new agey" and makes her feel comfortable as a woman. My W has told me that she feels "lost" in her life and is discussing those feelings with her C. Other than that, she has not shared any information about her sessions with me. Before DB, I told her that I was willing to listen if she wished to share anything about her sessions with me. Since DB, I have not mentioned the sessions.
I read the WAW article that you recommended. This is my W to a T. She has stopped complaining/nagging. She has told me that she feels resigned to D, that she will always love me but that she is not in love with me, and that it is too late for us. She has told me that she sees that I have changed but does not think that the change makes any impact on the M (it is good only for me and the children, in her opinion). Moreover, she has said that she (1) does not believe that real change can happen as fast as it has for me, (2) is skeptical that the change she acknowledges that she sees will last, and (3) thinks it is too late for our M in any event due to the years of disappointments and unmet expectations. Interestingly, before reading DB but after the S, I did thank my W for complaining/nagging because, as I told her, I finally realized that it meant that she cared about me and our M. She said, "You should have thought about that then." I told her that I wish I had but that I realized it now and was living the change. She reiterated that such a change was great for me and the kids but that she did not want to give our M another try.
I am heart sick about the role I played in bringing our relationship to this point. I am plagued with thoughts along the lines of "If only I had realized then what I realize now" and "If only I had made the changes that I am making now years ago." At the same time, I know that the work that I am doing to change is real and will, in the end, make me a better person. Still, going through this process is incredibly difficult.
