Oh btw,... he comes to bed... and starts caressing me. Whispers in my ear, I'm so mad at you. I don't know what kind of damage you've done. I reach out to kiss him... we have sex.
Hang on ... so you had had that dysfunctional, horrible afternoon, he was still thinking about going over to wife # 2's house, which includes one of his children. He's lied to you, manipulated you, bullied you ...
.... his foreplay is to whisper "I'm so mad at you." ... and you have sex with him?
Abbey –this isn’t DBing. DBing is about being still and strong in your core being. It is learning never to react in anger or frustration or pain, but to detach from the situation sufficiently so that you can make a calm decision about what you choose to do, or not to do, in any given situation. DBing is about learning unconditional love – but never letting love be an excuse to tolerate abuse. It’s about at times loving from a safe and dignified distance.
You are putting yourself in the middle of your husband’s crisis. You’ve made his crisis yours. You are reacting in (justifiable) anger and pain … and you are not acting with your own best thought out interests and dignity at heart.
I think the most painful part of me for this story is the completely misdirected red, hot anger you have for the other woman in your husband’s life. I’m not going to call her OW, because she’s not. You admit you are the one having an affair with him. If you reflect on this entire situation for a moment, I think you might be able to see, that in some ways, what upsets you most about his other woman’s attitude and what she’s prepared to do to win him and tolerate from him, upsets you because they mirror your own behaviours and reactions.
In my field we call it Lateral Violence. The propensity for the victims of a man’s choices to turn on each other, rather than the real villain … HIM. This man, your husband, has made some horrible and painful choices – and it would appear from your comments here that none of them appear to be in your (or for what it’s worth her) favour (except the occasional sex-on-a-stick he brings to the table from time to time).
Abbey – you are living in a fantasy relationship. You are believing what this man, who is a liar, tells you. I can guarantee you he is spinning all the same lines to her. He’s a boy. He’s not emotionally mature enough to engage in an adult relationship with anyone. And the absolute irony is, this man-child is in his element to have 2 women fighting over him – and all the sex he likes. He’s not going to change this – he loves it.
I'm all for DBing and I’m all for keeping the road home paved and smooth … but are you sure you want this messed up man so badly that you are willing to tolerate that behavior? Abbey – this is not saying good things about your self esteem or your personal boundaries.
Treat yourself like a prized possession Abbey – not an option that he can have if he manipulates you just right after he’s treated you like a, like a, well, I don’t know like what …. Like a woman he can do whatever he likes to and she’ll just roll over and take it.
My Grandma always used to say “never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.” It’s the best advise I’ve ever been given.
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
