Finally confronted H on affair...Now what????

[keep_going]

Workinghardguy - Thanks for the 2x4...
You touched on something very important that I have not really been focusing on - I am still living my life as my H's wife... You are soo right and I need to change that.

Maybe not externally, because I have a lot of GAL activities - both with kids and on my own, but INTERNALLY, in my brain, I still am looking at myself as his wife. And that is why I am so vulnerable to all the triggers...

I also think most of the time when I post, is to vent because I don't have that many outlets to do so. I try to be strong and upbeat outwardly with everyone - kids, H, my parents (who are now old and frail and quite distraught by all of this), H's family, friends. When I come here, I can vent and I can show my hurt. But I can see that most of my posts are about my feelings.

So here are some things that are working for me:

This morning I did better. H called to say he was stuck at work and would be late picking them up - he sounded stressed. I was very understanding and said no problem. (In the past, when I would call from work to say I'd be home late, H was not very understanding - now the tables have turned, and I want him to see that I have been there and know what he is going thru.) So I validated and told him I could wait and that my plans for the morning were flexible.

In addition, H knows that tardiness is a pet peeve of mine. And H is late 95% of the time... In the past, I had really lost patience with him re. this. So today, I also did a 180, by being understanding about his tardiness...

When he arrived, he saw me and the girls playing hopscotch in the patio. I always make sure that he finds us having fun and being busy at home. I used to work so much, but now that I spend a lot of quality time with my kids, I am loving it! D4 didn't even want to leave with him today.

Two triggers that I ignored - D4 said at some point that she wanted to play with the present that OW gave her. And when they were leaving, she also said she wanted to go do turkey cookies at daddy's with OW. When she mentioned OW by name, my H rolled his eyes - like he didn't want her to say her name in front of me? Who knows. I didn't react or say anything.

A 4 year old doesn't understand, so she always says what she thinks and I would never encourage her to withhold info or her feelings. So I do not make a big deal when they bring up something related to OW, but these comments do hurt. I would not be human if they didn't... Yet I realize that for the kids benefit, I cannot react, so I don't. Now I just need to condition my brain to follow my actions...

H tried to pick a fight again and I totally diffused it. I asked him to tell me what was really bothering him, instead of accusing me and lashing out. I listened, validated and told him I was not intending to hurt him - he actually thought I was blaming him for something. I told him we both usually play the blaming game, but I wasn't and I am now trying to stop that dynamic. I gave him a hug and he squeezed me and thanked me for diffusing the situation. Another 180 for me...

I then told H that I was running late with my plans. Didn't say what they were, but I was wearing a sexy workout outfit to go for a run.

I had also asked him to bring the drill bits. I have been doing projects around the house on my own (we have always been very handy and love to do home improvement projects together.) Today I plan to hang up some panels to hide my washer / dryer units in the kitchen. I do projects alone and don't ask for his help, which is also a change.

I also always have the kids ready to go and looking cute and nice and on time when he comes pick them up. I also make sure I look great and I always have the house clean and organized. He is a neat freak and I have never really been that obsessed with it, although I am not a slob either. But I now make sure things are always nice at home. In all honesty - this is sometimes a challenge with three kids under 5, but I do it. My girlfriend always says that you can never tell there are three kids living in my house except for their cute bedrooms. I am a great multi-tasker I Don't know if he notices or not, but I like being in control and knowing that I can cope on my own with the kids.

Tomorrow I will be taking the girls to a gabba gabba show - we always watched that tv show together before bedtime and always danced and sing. When H left, at first he would still do so with us, now it's rare...But I still do it with the kids every night and if he is around, he can see us laughing, dancing, singing and having a good time. Anyways, I had bought the tixs a few months ago and H initially said he would go with us. He cancelled on me a few days ago once he knew OW would be here. Even though I was disappointed, I thought - his loss! I didn't react in front of him, just said casually, "thanks for the heads up - that way I can invite someone else."

So I keep going...