empowerment over, just had H pack his bags

[canadianMrs.]

My mind still struggles with all of this. I'm trying to remember to DB, even though I'm not sure what I want. H is still trying, even harder in the last couple f weekes and OW is done. (Although I still have a hard time believeing this, more my own issues than anything H has done recently). We are both in IC for now. I debate in my head all the time should I try again with H or walk away.

[canadianMrs.]

Opps...submited by mistake. If I continue to DB while I figure things out, am I sending mixed messages if I later decide I can get past affair? For DB I am GAL and for my 180 I'm trying to be be more present in H's life. Before my resentments toward him and life, I pulled away. However, I worry that my 180 would be leading him on while I'm still not 100% sure. The one benefit is that we are becoming good friends. Something that we had lost. So maybe that is something, even if I can't think romantically about him. My other question; for those who went through affairs, how do you get the "ick" factor when you think of H touching you.
For those who had affairs, what is going through your head with all the lies, your children and what is it about OW? Do you not think about the fall out when it comes out?

[canadianMrs.]

Its been a while since I've been here. August, I moved to my new house in my home town. I've been busy settling the kids and myself up in our new lives, and have been busy seeing family and friends. GAL has been very easy. Kids have had a few rough spots, but are doing amazing considering. A few friends of mine work at their new school, and that has been a huge help. Just started looking into a new career for myself...after 10 years!
The thing is, ever since the move H has been coming to see us ever other day. Its almost a 2 hour drive. We have become friends. We have done things as a family. On his weekends where the kids activities haven't allowed for him to take them to his house( now tiny apartment!), he's stayed at my house with them, and I've stayed with my sister or mom. I will admit, people think its unusual, but it seemed to help the kids and it seemed to help me heal from this.
I've been doing this with DB in mind, although not 100% sure I wanted to get back together. We were leaning that way for a bit, but then went back to not talking about it, and just be friends. I told him at the time that was all I could commit to for now. He has helped me alot with the kids and the move etc. I like the person he is trying to be, but I still have a hard time with what he has done, and some of the MLC stuff that pops up from time to time. You can see there is still a battle going on in him to do the right thing vs MLC. A lot of talk/crying about how hard this is all on him...what about me/kids? He did this! This is what a year ago he wanted!
Anyway, my big issue right now is that I feel a shift. I'm detaching naturally, with no thought to it. The need for him just isn't there anymore. The more I'm around my friends and family/GAL the more I think he's not right for me. I'm not sure I want to stay this close anymore, and want to put some boundaries up.No more using my house to stay at etc. How do I do this. Do I talk to him about these feelings or just start implementing new things.
I hope everyone here has success in DBing over the last few months, whatever that is for each person.

[AJM]

What's your instinct? Only you know what is right for you and what is not?

If he had not done these things, would you want him in your life?

I think it is natural to want to put up boundaries with a man that hurt you like that. I see you have not closed the door but rather seem to be feeling changes.

Boundaries can be a good thing. Healthy. Or they can be you trying to get back at him. Be careful which because this is a man you once loved and out of respect it would be wrong to look for retribution. Not healthy for you either in my opinion.

Certainly warranted, but not healthy in the long run.

Good luck and via con Dios.

AJ

[canadianMrs.]

A good friend of mine who has know H and for decades was just over, she's also a counsellor. We narrowed down what I'm looking for. I need to balance doing what is right for my kids to have access to their dad, but limiting my interactions with him. I do feel there that H does take advantage of my easy going nature, and this is where I need some bounderies. We can be friends, but I won't be a door mat. She had me list 3 things that would help. 1. He needs to pick up the kids on his Friday's on time, or have his parents. 2. During the week,he can come to my house and spend time with the kids, but I will go out, or he can take them out. There will be a set time when he will leave.
3. (I'm still working on the details, but to act more like a guest in my home...not just come in and start going through my fridge etc)

I'm not punishing him, but need to have some breathing room.
Do these boundaries seem reasonable? Any thoughts, please share.

[AJM]

I think that's a great start. Boundaries are difficult to enforce, but I think for your own well being it's a good start.

I can tell you from my situation, that you need to set and enforce boundaries that work for you and are only intended for that purpose. Anything else won't last. By setting them for you and for your well being, you will identify and be more ready to enforce them in a kind but firm way. You must enforce them as well else you will be a door mat.

I think it's a great start. Don't be afraid to add to that and know that he needs to respect those boundaries as what is best for you. If he refuses, then you need to keep him out of the house altogether and he can stand at the door while waiting for the kids.

It gets better and easier to set and enforce boundaries when done for yourself only.

AJ

[25yearsmlc]

A good friend of mine who has know H and for decades was just over, she's also a counsellor. We narrowed down what I'm looking for. I need to balance doing what is right for my kids to have access to their dad, but limiting my interactions with him. I do feel there that H does take advantage of my easy going nature, and this is where I need some bounderies. We can be friends, but I won't be a door mat.

"Doormat"? I don't see that at all. Seems to me within ONE month of discovering an affair, you moved out of the house and now you live away from him, you took the kids and you live in a nice house surrounded by your friends and family.

He has lost everything...and no matter what HE does or says or for how long

your inability or refusal to forgive is at least partly why you are divorcing...

I do not mean to judge. I am sorry if that sounds harsh

but I hate seeing punitive measures being defended and then justified permanently. I think YOU are now having your own MLC...it happens more often than you realize.


She had me list 3 things that would help. 1. He needs to pick up the kids on his Friday's on time, or have his parents. 2. During the week,he can come to my house and spend time with the kids, but I will go out, or he can take them out. There will be a set time when he will leave.
3. (I'm still working on the details, but to act more like a guest in my home...not just come in and start going through my fridge etc)

I'm not punishing him, but need to have some breathing room.

really? you don't have enough time without him around already? He lives 2 hours away...
Do these boundaries seem reasonable? Any thoughts, please share.

well, this is a pro marriage site. It's hard for me not to see chunks of this as being punitive.

Seems to me you ought to at least own that this is NOT about his affair anymore...b/c if it is, then you are refusing to forgive him, and I don't know what work you have done seeking out info on that. It's a learned skill bc I never saw it growing up.

Read Endeavor's thread for examples of the legacy of forgiveness and committment and redemption, that she is giving her children as she and her h work thru his affair and his failings AND HER ownership of her own role in it as they rebuild a new and better m....

Have you owned your own role in any of this? I admit not reading your whole thread. But you asked for feedback...

[25yearsmlc]

just a correction

I HAVE read your whole thread. I posted on it on the other thread you had.

You admitted that you hated where you were living b/c you felt isolated, although the kids loved their home and school. YOU wanted to move to your hometown before all the marital problems arose, and you resented moving twice for his career. From my military wife's perspective, 2 moves in 10 years is frickin' enviable.

But I think you are having your own MLC. I really do.

You are at a crossroads and there are things you wanted to do that being married to a cop hindered. Now you have ample family support so you can pursue the new interests you have.

When I gave advice to new widows in the military, the first piece was to make NO BIG DECISIONS for at least 6 months...but a year was preferable.

you made several huge commitments in a matter of days or 2-3 weeks.
It's clear you bolted and used the affair as the trigger.

You also expressed concern that being "kind to him" might mean you have forgiven him, and you wanted it to be clear that you were NOT doing that...

what an oddly telling concern to have.

What's not clear is what you meant by saying, before, that you were working on yourself.

What did that mean? What flaws were you working on in YOU? Are you still working on them?

What have you taught the kids about how to own their mistakes when they make them, if making them is an irrevocable unforgivable act?
I mean, if I were one of them, I would NOT want to get caught or admit anything. I'd fear "never being seen in the same way again", like their father is. Like it could never be forgotten.

The one piece of advice our marrying priest gave us (that I actually recall) was about deceit. We KNOW not to lie,

but he said "and Don't give your spouse a reason to lie - by over reacting to their mistakes and flaws, which we ALL make and have."

It's not that you didn't take him back that bothers me. It's the speed in which you acted and still blamed it all on him, when it's obvious you wanted out of that area anyhow. So Your utter refusal to own ANY of this bothers me.

And you seem to be surrounding yourself with peoplee who confirm and validate that, "it's ALL his fault" when in fact you made choices to leave even after he stepped up.

I think you like being single. Why not admit that?

The kids want him in their lives and he wants to be in theirs, but that's not what matters the most to You, now. But You accused him of being that way before.

Can you see that in some ways, You have switched places with your h? IT is not uncommon for the LBSer to turn into the WAS.

It happens.

But stop blaming him, now. B/C The fact is, no matter what HE does or says, or for how long, you want to be free now. That cannot be his fault anymore.

So own it, face it, and feel the empowerment you speak so much of.

otherwise you are still playing the victim and making it about your pain and his actions. It's not.

[canadianMrs.]

I am pro marriage, but at the cost of your own self worth, I question that? This is what I have come to learn. I don't have any ill feelings to anyone on this board, because I realize its hard to get the real me and the real situation to come across in typing. I've also come to realize I might have white washed some the situation, but probably from own denial. Through DB coaching and counselling, I have realized that I was not in a marriage/partnership, I was in a dictatorship. Yes, we moved for his work, but those were his choices, not ones me made as a couple/family. He did not have to take transfers, he asked for them (and they were not promotions) I did very well the 1st time making a new life/friends, and then he uprooted us again. This time I really felt abandoned. The 1st relocation his work was a way of life, his co-workers a second family. The 2nd time he made it hard for me to have any time for myself, we didn't do things as a couple and he kept his life outside the home to himself. Then my dad died, which didn't help. I admit I went along with things, because I loved him, but I also learned quickly that it didn't really matter what my opinion was...and as time went on and I kept giving and getting little back in return...(and yes, after a year with 2 counsellors, I do know the part I played...I still have a H though who will not really look at his)I have said before I almost was a WAS too. However, I did stay and tried to fight for my marriage, only to be hurt again and again.


My h has been labelled by DB coaches (who have talked to him) & counsellors as very self centered. Yes, he has tried to step up/be nicer, but still he is hot and cold as to what he wants. One days its me/kids, some days we wants to be single/date/no responsibilites. When he's upset, its always about what he's going through, never for anyone else in this mess. And, the hot and cold has taken its toll. I fall for the nice guy, only to be hurt by the cold guy the next day. (A couple of weeks ago he was all about us trying counselling again. I agreed, but so far its like he forgot he suggested it; and I admit I was touched by the inital request)

Yes, I did move, but not one month after. It was 6. He left first.
I felt when I moved, it was the only thing I could do to find the old me. I had become a shell of my former self. I use to happy/laid back, but I also had a huge circle of great friends and family back home who loved, supported, and wanted to spend time with me! I needed that back, to be the person my children deserved. So yes, I still believe in marriage, but I believe in being my authentic self and mother first. While I would have prefered my children to grow up in a house with 2 parents, I will not let them live anymore in the enviroment they did a year ago.
One thing I have learned in my last year and from this board is what works for one person may not for another. We need to give support, but be open minded. Too bad all our marriages couldn't be fixed with the same answer, although this board would have a lot less posts!

[canadianMrs.]

I will also add, that since H and I have been together for so long and we share all the same friends and our families have become one, not one of those people have said I have done the wrong thing. They have all known me/us from the beginning and know most of our story, seen the transformation. Even his best friend, brother and parents support me 100%. I'm not saying I'm faultess, but if I was really the bad person having a MLC too, I'm sure someone in my real life would call me on it.