Living with groundlessness

[Queen_of_Swords]

Gosh Antonia
I'm here to tell you if you project confidence in real life, men DO find that attractive. Especially if you're at home in your own skin, unselfconscious and have a sense of fun/mischief.

[AntoniaB]

Thanks QofS...perhaps in real life they do but in the online dating world they don't...but then again for all the kudos given to online dating, only 1 in 5 people meet a match that way. Sounds impressive but that means 4 in 5 meet in other ways, which probably are face to face/random/introduced by a friend.

I watched this documentary about someone with cancer tonight and felt like a big ol' crybaby for my comments lately ;-)

Anyway I have to say that I really need to put a huge effort to focus on what I do have, and what I've got this week is a LOT of work done on my book...I decided to stop new writing and go back and edit what I already did so far to get it to the point where it's done but for maybe a few proofread sessions...and in 5 days, I've got about 21,000 words "ready", so considering the final length will be about 90,000 words, this is a HUGE amount of editing done in less than a week.

In addition, I've gotten 4 emails from the author I'm writing about this week and he is becoming more open with me by the email, letting his guard down, even to the point where he is making me laugh. I'm not even going to use a decent amount of what he's giving me (or else I'll end up over-quoting him) but I just feel enormously priveleged to know that what I'm hearing from this person who is my literary idol is for my ears only, very likely, because I know that no one's asking him the questions I am asking, and I have been allowing what my XH did to sort of distract me from the "wonder" of this experience.

Just like XH did when he left me for the first separation the day my first book was published, and I never celebrated my accomplishments till over a year later, I'm letting him overtake my pride AGAIN.

At least this time I am catching myself doing it and can put a stop to it.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that a person has to do something like write a book to feel good about herself after she gets dumped, but what I am saying is that I bet a lot of us are doing terrific things in the wake of the disaster and we're not even NOTICING what we're doing, whether it's great stuff for our kids or parents or friends or pets or people in our fields or altruistic stuff or whatever...and we have to sit up and take notice of ourselves.

I'm saying this for you guys and me too :-) I often don't take my own advice...and I have to start doing that!

Hope everyone has a great weekend!!

[Queen_of_Swords]

Online dating? Feh.
So far I have a gallery of penis pictures to show for that, lots of scammers wanting money from me (none living in my locale), and a lot of men just looking for a quick hook up IOW a sex partner only.

It's certainly not a method I recommend.

[beatrice]

.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that a person has to do something like write a book to feel good about herself after she gets dumped, but what I am saying is that I bet a lot of us are doing terrific things in the wake of the disaster and we're not even NOTICING what we're doing, whether it's great stuff for our kids or parents or friends or pets or people in our fields or altruistic stuff or whatever...and we have to sit up and take notice of ourselves.

what you are doing is being the authentic 'Antonia' in writing the books. It is what you do well. We all have gifts. I have recently received validation for stuff I have been working on, which has helped me to realise that the last few years haven't been marking time.

Interesting that your xh left when your book was published. My analyst friend feels very strongly that much MLC behaviour stems from a sense of inadequacy and not being able to measure up. [This can be in career, intellectual or even sexual terms] Your xh has hooked up with someone in a non-competing world that he can 'admire' but offers no real competition. In career terms he is her superior I gather. My xh hooked up with a talented musician. No competition.

My xh felt I was more successful than him, in terms of career and friendships. These were areas in which he wanted to excel. He still sends me stuff he has written, like some cats bring trophies. He is very bright but an underachiever - actually sets himself up to fail at times.

Much as I miss him, I really think i am better off without the negative aspects of his personality, which got more and more marked. And your xh - how cruel and sad to leave at the high point of your professional achievement.

I haven't tried internet dating sites, but know few people who meet through them. There are some non virtual ones I believe are good, because there is actually a vetting process.

But, the most successful recent marriage of a good friend was a random meeting, and another friend is marrying someone she met through doing charity work . . . . Both very nice guys.

[AntoniaB]

So...I helped my mom make the whole T-Giving dinner yesterday and have been at my parents' house the past few days. Dad has been terrible to mom and my sisters in a weird way...he is addicted to this online video game, it's a very childish sort of game that he plays against my nephews, 11 and 14. He has ignored me most of the time I've been here. It's like dealing with a 5 year old with a new toy except he's been playing this game for over a year. He just sits there and zones out and won't talk at all to anyone. If you're sitting in another room with him he will just start talking about it.

Anyway after a day and a half of cooking for 10 people, my mom calls him up to dinner last night, and everyone comes and my brother says "I told him not to start a new battle but he did." So he doesn't come. My mom, to her credit, said grace and began dinner...without him. GOOD FOR HER. I never see her stick up for herself. It was yet more passive-aggressive BS from him and she wasn't having it. He complimented (for the most part) what I made for dinner. Then afterward he started eating massive amounts of candy (he's diabetic and he just scarfs down sugar) and then demanded pie before anyone had a chance to clean anything. Mom gives him pie, which she made, and as he just ate super sweet candy, he thinks it tastes wrong so he starts giving thumbs down. He's beyond rude. My sister's husband agrees with him just to be a jerk...and it erupts into like Male vs. Female in here.

The other sister's husband was not here. Why? Because HE got in a fist fight with his brother at T-giving at his dad's house. His mom just died last week and his brother tried to make a good dinner, and my BIL started a fight with him over how he was putting the leftover greenbean casserole away. My sister said her husband was TOTALLY in the wrong on this one and kept saying "You're not supporting me" and started the fight to begin with.

Suffice it to say that through all this drama, I did not even miss XH, and after seeing the way all these men acted (my single for life brother who is 41 was the only respectable male there) I didn't miss being married either.

[AJM]

Good morning Antonia, and happy belated Thanksgiving.
[quote]My analyst friend feels very strongly that much MLC behaviour stems from a sense of inadequacy and not being able to measure up. [This can be in career, intellectual or even sexual terms] [quote]B, that's interesting. Wrong right or otherwise, I find that statement fascinating and it triggers some questions in my mind. Thank you for that. As for your ex's - tsk tsk tsk. To feel less than your partner? That's bizarre to me. My ex is a dentist. Has 4 degrees (that I put her through). She was a hygienist for years (graduated top of her class even after taking two weeks off to have our first born). Did I ever feel inferior? Nope. Not once. I felt different. But it's interesting to look back and see my ex differently. As somebody who felt inadequate.

Ah family

Your BIL is in pain and seems to be unable to otherwise express it, no? Don't be too harsh in that sense. He may be a lot of things, but losing one's parent is hard.

Your father needs help but it could be worse.

Don't give up on people and relationships due to a holiday scene like this. I'm sure that there were countless scenes just like that all over the country. Or worse.

I agree that drama [censored], but as I read some of your thread it occurred to me that you are exploring the positives and negatives of relationships. I could be wrong about that, but that's how it seems.

My thought? It's not worth it until you meet somebody that is worth being in a relationship with. Then it isn't even a question.

Congrats on the book! Very glad to hear the progress and the enjoyment.

And good work seeing the positives in the world. There are many and it would be a shame to miss any of them.

AJ

[irishblessings]

Antonia - Happy Belated Thanksgiving! Your story made me smile. I'm sure while you were in the throes of this it was tense - but family dynamics are truly amazing.

My kids just got back from breakfast with their dad. No smiles, just a pall.

Crazy times!

[AntoniaB]

Hi AJM and IB, Happy Thanksgiving to you too!

Oh I know about my BIL and the emotions...my BIL has been dealing with severe depression for years. Many times my sister has been feeling she has to separate from him. He is on anti-D's but won't do any more (like counseling) and he's usually less "extreme" in terms of emotions on anti-d's but he just has to keep changing what he takes, or taking 2 at a time...because it's like 5 years on the meds with no behavioral conditioning or exploration or anything and he will never go for that. The brother he fought with, he's gone for entire years or more not speaking to him. He was in a period where he was, and their mother died of cancer (3rd death from cancer in the family) and he refuses "help" of any sort, and he just gets angrier and angrier. He just erupted and shoved his younger brother into a wall over how he put the casserole away, and his brother punched back. I guess it was pretty ugly. My sister I think is kind of afraid of him. She's never seen "this" side of him. She came to my parents but really didn't want to go home last night. We kept saying it would blow over but she is convinced this will drag on into a years-long feud.

There is nothing any of us can do of course but stay out of it and if we see my BIL, act normal.

My mother is 67 and has to take care of the house and property (1/4 acre yard, flowers, etc.) all herself as my dad refuses to do anything at all for himself. She found out she can put her name on this list for these cottages in this Catholic community for over 50, where she can have all the yard stuff done by someone. As she has asthma and a lot of typical age-related ailments (diabetes, back and knee problems, etc.) we really want her to do this and position herself to move in the next year or so. My father insists he is going to "die" in their house and just keeps saying that she needs to do all the work till my nephews are old enough to come do it for them. It's really sad. It's like he is imprisoning her there. She will never just go against him and say the heck with you, I'm moving. I feel bad for her. I don't know what to do. My dad's mood swings are terrible. He's either very mean to her or does the silent treatment.

As for relationships, yeah...I see some serious dysfunction in all the marriages in my immediate family, and then my brother who rejects the idea of even a girlfriend. I am SO not looking anymore...either there is someone worth it out there for me or there just isn't. I'm not saying things have to be perfect by a long shot, but goodness, these relationships are all faring far WORSE than my marriage ever did until XH's MLC/OW, and these people are in a lot of pain, and I only know the one side. Maybe the male side is no happier.

I got home today and XH sent me a check for 350.00 for what he called the medical plan for our cats...this was spurred on by the recent death of our boy cat and a few others we used to "jointly parent" who are starting to have health issues. I thought that was nice of him and I sent him a note saying we really appreciated it and hoped he would take very good care of himself.

[AntoniaB]

So, you see how I said that I didn't care anymore if I found someone? Well, I went out tonight to buy myself dinner and a few drinks to my favorite bar/restaurant and I ended up running into the guy I met 2 weekends ago, the one who was just coming off a nervous breakdown due to his divorce and job loss. He remembered me VERY well, and remembered like everything I said when I met him/talked to him. He's doing a ton better, has some job prospects lined up/interviews/etc., and is just really sounding terrific and kept saying that talking to me was so helpful, that he really turned a corner that weekend.

Well we talked more "deeply" I guess you could say than before, during which he told me that he was intimate with one woman since his divorce, and how that really was an important step for him in the process of recovery, and how it helped his self-esteem, all that...

And guess what? I could kinda sorta maybe see a path, that if I got this guy drunk enough/flattered him/etc., I could probably "seal that deal" (it having been like, 600 days or something without any intimacy for me...) and he's a very articulate, smart, very good looking and fit guy, and you know what?

I just had no interest.

I like talking to him if I run into him...but I just feel nothing.

I don't get it. Here's the thing, and AJM you mentioned that I came off as "nervous" when I talked about men, and I agree...when I am sitting at a bar and a "stranger" comes up, 9 chances out of 10, I sort of get this guard up, it's physical almost, I can feel it. I feel it if the guy is like someone that seems stupid or neanderthal or whatever. I don't know how else to describe the type. Typical "Lower-slower Delaware."

But this guy doesn't do that to me at all...he's well-dressed, he's got all his teeth (I kid you not he made a JOKE about having all his teeth), he seems like a down-to-earth nice guy), so he doesn't freak me out like most. BUT. I feel nothing.

The only reason I tell you all this is: I think this is GOOD.

I think this means that XH didn't "kill" in me the belief that there are some people we just click with, who are "meant" for us, and some who aren't. I really thought he killed that in me. That he killed all notion of the "fairy tale", so to speak (and I am an expert/researcher in fairy tale studies and I thought, you know, how ironic, XH destroyed this for me).

But he did NOT. ALL I could think talking to this guy was, Antonia, you can be friends with him. That's cool. But there is a guy you will click with, and it won't be him.

I dunno. I just think that despite the fact that I'm going home alone for like the hundredth time, this is good??

Maybe??

I just ain't settlin' ;-)

[AJM]

Know what I think when I read that?

I think baby's gettin' her groove back

I think you are exploring and figuring out what you do and don't like. I think you are right on all counts too. And I think it's good to stay away from somebody who thinks like him, at least in a romantic sort of way. He isn't ready. Your radar is picking something up and you are trusting it. That's what is important in this conversation.

Good for you Antonia. I'm happy to hear you are exploring and seeing things that interest you. Talking to people and being friendly. And most of all not settling...in a positive way.

Keep in mind that much of what you know is based on what you..know. Your xh takes much of that right now. Keep exploring. I think if you do that, with a child like mind, you'll find that the people out there can be a lot of fun.

Kind of like a research project. Keep exploring. Keep asking questions. Keep at it!