new to this..

[learning2listen]

I hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving..I put a big smile on my face and forced myself to not think of what was missing, but focus on what wasnt.

I woke up early to start the cooking, and of coarse I thought, whats the big deal if I text h and wish him a nice day... I fought the urge..a couple hours later, I thought, really it would be a nice gesture to say something..again I didnt.

I sat my phone down while I was working on the veggies and when I came back to it, H had sent me a message...wishing me and the girls a happy thanksgiving.. it was nice to know he thought of us.

I will continue the no contact. I cant set myself up for anymore hurt. In the last 4 months, i realize I have initiated 90% of the communication. It hasnt been an intentional thing and it isnt very often, but how on earth can you miss something you know is right there waiting, I have to add some mystery... I have no idea if it will help or hurt, but its different, it is hard as hell to not wonder.. but this is my life now, he is not in it.. he may never be again.

I will someday look back on this time as a learning experience, however right now it feels nothing like that. It feels like a game of chicken..