You know I wonder about how long I can live like this being so lonely for her, how I can rewrite my inner life so that I think in terms of my life plan in terms of me alone and not married to her
And in here lies the problem... I tend to believe words are important and they say a lot of what we're thinking. You chose alone in your description. Not apart from you wife, not divorced, not single... you chose alone. From my vantage point you are scared of being alone. You see yourself through the prism of marriage and not as an independent person. So your two options are a) married to your W or b) alone. But there's a third option... living your life on your terms. This doesn't mean being alone. It means following YOUR path.
I was always following my own path (as well as being a H and father) before the bomb dropped but had the priveledge of knowing I had my wife to share it with. I miss that. It's not that I don't feel that I can't move on with my life in areas that are meaningful reflections of me. I just feel such a sad void living without her. I am actually pretty independent by nature, but I really do miss our M.
Rick is dead on... you have to stop doing things with your W. You do more stuff with your W than I do and I still live with mine! Hell, I can't actually remember the last thing W and I did together. Seriously... might have been an apple orchard trip in September. Yes we spend time together in the house, but even that is mostly apart.
I'm Rick! And we do live together but in separate rooms for the past eight months since the bomb dropped. Is staying apart from your W working for you towards a R? I really want to know. Maybe this is another area where doing what is counterintuitive is best? We have been living like this for eight months and I can say there has been some improvement. She has moved away from aggresively saying we are done and there is nothing that can be done about it, to saying that she doesn't think this will work out, to telling me that she is dealing with a total life crisis and is not sure how we will fit into the picture as she moves through this life crisis. On one hand I try to keep her close by just so we stay connected, but it is not fullfilling for me at all when we do stuff together. It's like a bad dream because while I role play being the guy who is fine with this, enjoying her company, etc., I really am constantly thinking how it [censored] to not being acknowledged or treated like a lover, husband, etc. So, maybe by doing that I am just reinforcing for her a constant reminder of how we are not close like we were,and the more I do with her, the more I show her how we have this distance. What do you think? Also, pretty much everything we do is my idea. She is not really making any efforts. Its all me. So basically I work my ass off for her, suffer constant emotional pain while hiding it inside, and then do things with her that remind me of how crappy our sitch is now. Then, I have the constant reminder of her EA, and her incredible double standard in this area. Maybe you're right. Let her come back to me. Let her close the gap. Agree?
The other piece is that it takes time to get used to being single. You can't do that attached to your W. These weekends where my W works and it's just my S and I, I have been "role playing" like I'm divorced. Doing a test run to see what it is like and to get a sense for how it will feel. I can't say I like all of it, but if I'm honest there are parts that I really enjoy.
Okay WHG, maybe I should role play like I am single while I let my W go about solving her life crisis. I find that when I do that I can see she has two typical responses which I have come to know over the past 8 months. One is that she gets nervous and reaches out to me, just to be sure I'm still here, but as soon as she knows I am here she gets dismissive and self centered again. The other response, which drives me crazy and has been her way for our entire marriage, is that she mistrusts many things when I do my own things (not all but enough so that it's always on my mind). I'm talking about things down to the smallest matters which no adult should have a problem with. It's one of her issues that is so obvious everyone knows it about her, including our kids. Nonetheless she has no problem doing anything she wants including and up to an EA and doesn't see the hypocrisy of it. Maybe she will evolve beyond this through her psychiatric sessions and by working on herself but for now it's so ridiculous.
How do you suggest handling a W who is threatened by me GAL and makes her mistrust known? I have been calmly telling her that her thoughts are unfounded and that this current sitch is her choice. If I say that her "fears" (word choice is important) are unfounded she gets very defensive and says that I should find someone else while this goes on, but then admits that she would not like it, but her pride would cause her to hide that it would upset her. Like they say believe half of what you hear. If she doesn't care then why does she keep watching everything I do and commenting on it?
I'm driving myself crazy with this. I will be "going dark" for a time, letting her go, not planning things for us but letting her come back to me, not getting baited by her issues, not letting the double standard rule me, not focus on the EA, GAL in spite of her mistrust. I guess I have made this sitch too easy for her.
I thnk you much for being such a good guy and taking the time to provide your valuable input.
