KmL, yeah, I'm sure he's told her that we're just living together and have no ties that "bind". Wonder how she would feel about us having sex last night. And his tears, and his "chasing" me when he realized I was serious that I want OUT OUT OUT of here. And that none of his ranting and alien manipulation had any weight or influence towards me.
They need to play house and get a good bleepin' dose of one another. It almost makes me wish I had a front row seat for those fireworks once she figures she has her tentacles in him but good. She's convinced him that all her abuse was because of "hormones". F.O. She's a manipulative narcissist nutjob. And when she doesn't get her way, she'll either start wailing on the kids and (hopefully he'll see it first hand)... OR she'll start back in on him and the abuse she heaped on him when she thought he was "hers".
T:22, M:20 H:55 Me:45 H-OW PA: N/07 OW Jan08 Bomb:Feb/08 S: Apr/08 Back together Ap1/09-Sept/11 Oct, 2011, uncertain future/H is a mess. Dec/11 - Doin'friend mode. Some days are better than others.
Some other interesting things: Found out this week that she helped a friend of hers.. file a false police report in order to try to take the kids. (The father has custody... how often does that happen?) So clearly for them to be with the father,... there's good reason.
The guy was smart, he went right with his lawyer to the cop shop... had pix taken of his hands and body... which showed ZERO evidence of violent contact with another human being. (As did her body, when they hauled her in.)
This is the kind of conniving POS she is.
T:22, M:20 H:55 Me:45 H-OW PA: N/07 OW Jan08 Bomb:Feb/08 S: Apr/08 Back together Ap1/09-Sept/11 Oct, 2011, uncertain future/H is a mess. Dec/11 - Doin'friend mode. Some days are better than others.
Oh btw,... he comes to bed... and starts caressing me. Whispers in my ear, I'm so mad at you. I don't know what kind of damage you've done. I reach out to kiss him... we have sex.
Hang on ... so you had had that dysfunctional, horrible afternoon, he was still thinking about going over to wife # 2's house, which includes one of his children. He's lied to you, manipulated you, bullied you ...
.... his foreplay is to whisper "I'm so mad at you." ... and you have sex with him?
Abbey –this isn’t DBing. DBing is about being still and strong in your core being. It is learning never to react in anger or frustration or pain, but to detach from the situation sufficiently so that you can make a calm decision about what you choose to do, or not to do, in any given situation. DBing is about learning unconditional love – but never letting love be an excuse to tolerate abuse. It’s about at times loving from a safe and dignified distance.
You are putting yourself in the middle of your husband’s crisis. You’ve made his crisis yours. You are reacting in (justifiable) anger and pain … and you are not acting with your own best thought out interests and dignity at heart.
I think the most painful part of me for this story is the completely misdirected red, hot anger you have for the other woman in your husband’s life. I’m not going to call her OW, because she’s not. You admit you are the one having an affair with him. If you reflect on this entire situation for a moment, I think you might be able to see, that in some ways, what upsets you most about his other woman’s attitude and what she’s prepared to do to win him and tolerate from him, upsets you because they mirror your own behaviours and reactions.
In my field we call it Lateral Violence. The propensity for the victims of a man’s choices to turn on each other, rather than the real villain … HIM. This man, your husband, has made some horrible and painful choices – and it would appear from your comments here that none of them appear to be in your (or for what it’s worth her) favour (except the occasional sex-on-a-stick he brings to the table from time to time).
Abbey – you are living in a fantasy relationship. You are believing what this man, who is a liar, tells you. I can guarantee you he is spinning all the same lines to her. He’s a boy. He’s not emotionally mature enough to engage in an adult relationship with anyone. And the absolute irony is, this man-child is in his element to have 2 women fighting over him – and all the sex he likes. He’s not going to change this – he loves it.
I'm all for DBing and I’m all for keeping the road home paved and smooth … but are you sure you want this messed up man so badly that you are willing to tolerate that behavior? Abbey – this is not saying good things about your self esteem or your personal boundaries.
Treat yourself like a prized possession Abbey – not an option that he can have if he manipulates you just right after he’s treated you like a, like a, well, I don’t know like what …. Like a woman he can do whatever he likes to and she’ll just roll over and take it.
My Grandma always used to say “never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.” It’s the best advise I’ve ever been given.
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
Walking, I know. Frankly the detaching is happening large bits at a time. I can't honestly say I want this man. I'm doing what I have to to survive until I get the hell out of here. All the sex is doing is hardening my heart.
I'm well aware of the abuse that he's doing. WELL aware of it. Make no mistake, if there was ANY way for me to get the f out of here, and not look back- I would. This abuse, his actions, all the things you have said above, are making it easier for me to never want to look back, or come back once this stupidity of his blows up in his face BIG TIME. And... it will.
I've set up what I need to survive once I walk out the door. Where as, I walk away right now, I walk away BROKE. Not going to happen. I'm stronger than that, and my methods are about buying time as much as survival.
FWIW, During the afternoon fight, one of the things I kept repeating was, you may as well repeatedly punch me in the face, because the emotional abuse you are doing is no different.
I have to take issue with not saying it's DBing however. Every last one of us on this board who've dealt with another woman has to put up with the same lying, cheating, deceptive bs, had to wait out the stupidity (because hey most of them die out after six months).
So, I'm aware he's made his choice, for now. He treats her like the spouse. He treats her as the priority. I saw his reaction to ME being over there. And needing to protect his whore.
Without saying a word, he's said loud and clear, I'm not good enough to meet his daughter. But the woman who falsely accused him of beating her up, walks on water and deserves his devotion.
Without knowing the full history behind this, again your assessment of my red hot anger, isn't misdirected. What we're talking about here in the OW...is a predator. A full on, narcissistic predator. She's using the child they created for everything she can.
My H wasn't this man for many years. Is the man he used to be still in there? Yeah, probably. I saw and painfully lived what happened once the shine went off the new penny the first time with her. I refused to see him, went dark. Then held him at bay for 3 months, only allowing him to call, not see me, until he got rid of her.
This time, ghe picture he's painting and the time I have to spend here until I can get out, ... I know where they lead. It's me who will finally just walk away. My own therapist says I'm already more than one foot out the door. The things he's doing now are making it easier to slam the door shut. For good.
Abbey
T:22, M:20 H:55 Me:45 H-OW PA: N/07 OW Jan08 Bomb:Feb/08 S: Apr/08 Back together Ap1/09-Sept/11 Oct, 2011, uncertain future/H is a mess. Dec/11 - Doin'friend mode. Some days are better than others.
[quote] Abbey – you are living in a fantasy relationship. You are believing what this man, who is a liar, tells you. I can guarantee you he is spinning all the same lines to her.
Thus why I went over and blew his lying ass out of the water ... in front of her. This wasn't done without thought. It needed to be done. It was time to untie a few of his slip-knots with this thing. I had gave him "permission" to go be with her. (I'll explain why again in a sec) The rule... don't like to me. Tell me that's where you are. He lied, I called him on it. The bonus was I gave her the "oh goodie, I'm winning" carrot. She bought it hook line and sinker.
I KNOW he's lying to her, I hear it. I know stuff that she does NOT know. He's scheming against her, when they get into their passive aggressive fights, that's where the honesty comes out of his mouth. With me, it's when there are tears. Otherwise,...I know the web of lies he's spinning on both sides of this thing and I don't believe him at ALL. Not one bit.
He's tried to pull that she's not giving him access to his daughter because I went over there. BS. More crap lies, and manipulation. I'm looking at the big picture here. And it's a chess match.
Based on his past with this whole mess, if she knew what I know... she'd lose her nut. I understand his M.O.... as well as hers. She has no idea about her so called "perfect" relationship with him and how things unfolded.
EG: him asking me to raise that child when she was 8 weeks preg. I decided then had to "have an affair THEN go dark" the first time to turn it around. All I'm really doing is the same thing now. It worked then, (as it has worked for others who've been chronicled with the DB site, who've gone the "friends" route).
I've done my 180. I'm continuing to do my 180. I've got a few more 180s in store for him. I've regenerated my side of the business we "do". I've given him something to miss. He's started to look at me with those "eyes". His touch ... not "wanting sex" touches... but just bonding type touches are at his initiation, not mine. He chases. The "eyes" thing comes and goes. I'm acting "as if"... being nice for the most part. Distancing and letting him chase me. And he does.
I know this and have known this since the day this came into focus. They NEED to play house. It's the perfect recipe for them to self destruct. I have to do nothing when it comes to that except ... maybe hurry that process along.
Forget for the moment if or why I may want this guy back once it all comes out in the wash. But lets say, he's truly remorseful once they self destruct and he DOES hit bottom... I KNOW the mistakes that were made when we reconciled. He didn't do HIS work, didn't take adequate responsibility for his actions,... NOR did we do the counseling that we needed to do to have him fully understand what he did.
I'm leaving the door opened half an inch... no more, no less. Only because for some reason I still love him. I wish I didn't. I know we HAVE to separate (and welcome it, want it actually), and I know he HAS to get her FULL brunt in order for him to get rid of her once and for all. I'm combining DB with Fertel's program. It was that combo that worked last time.
T:22, M:20 H:55 Me:45 H-OW PA: N/07 OW Jan08 Bomb:Feb/08 S: Apr/08 Back together Ap1/09-Sept/11 Oct, 2011, uncertain future/H is a mess. Dec/11 - Doin'friend mode. Some days are better than others.
He confided in me about wanting to bring his daughter to the petting zoo. He's mad because of something his daughter said: calling the OW's husband... Daddy. It hurt him. Now, he's really intent on getting "his own" time with her. He hates the parasite's husband more than I hate the parasite. Irony.
He asked me out to breakfast,... and he likes to "test". Talked about winning the lotto,... I said, you'd have to find a detective to find me. He said, I'd give you half... whatever you wanted. I said,... "I'm just teasing you. Isn't that what you say to me?" Talk about passive aggressive stuff eh? *shakes head*
Breakfast,... I wondered out loud about buying a house in the area where the resto was. And I said,... "seeing as I'm going to be alone". I *almost* teared up, but then he said. "Well,... we need business in town where you like that townhouse... (he believes we're going to stay in business no matter what happens between us.)
I didn't say anything, so he continues: "or we could buy that set of semi detached side by side." (This has been something I said from last time we started to piece, the parasite claimed her unborn child was allergic to cats. I have cats. At that time I told him, well we could buy a duplex or semi's side by side, because I will NOT give up my cats.)
My question quietly, ... you'd still do that? His answer: "Maybe." Then he pauses again and says: "or we can maybe win enough money were we... WE... can move anywhere". That's when he pinches his two fingers together... smiles, and makes sure I see what he's doing and that it was "code" for what we'd talked about on Thursday.
I got through to him. A small babystep... but I got through to him! During all that craziness on Thursday, when it was I who begged him to let each other go and do whatever he could to buy me out so I can get the hell away... during one of our "honest" moments... I said, I want to separate too. And yes, I realize there are not more mulligans for us... and we're probably never going to be together again. BUT... I'm leaving the door opened "this much". He did the same. And said, I want to do that too.
I dabbed my eyes, and made a joke: Said, you're costing me a fortune in eye makeup. The roller coaster ride continues....
Abbey.
T:22, M:20 H:55 Me:45 H-OW PA: N/07 OW Jan08 Bomb:Feb/08 S: Apr/08 Back together Ap1/09-Sept/11 Oct, 2011, uncertain future/H is a mess. Dec/11 - Doin'friend mode. Some days are better than others.
He confided in me about wanting to bring his daughter to the petting zoo. He's mad because of something his daughter said: calling the OW's husband... Daddy. It hurt him. Now, he's really intent on getting "his own" time with her. He hates the parasite's husband more than I hate the parasite. Irony.
And why shouldn't she call him daddy? She's living with him, her siblings all call him daddy - he IS her daddy at the moment. Your H was just the sperm donor.
KML, I agree with you. That said... she's refused to tell her H that my H is in the picture. She wants my H, and her H to jump whenever she says so. One of the fights they had (pre-my invasion)... was about her telling him... I'LL decide when you see her. She's threatened him with having her H pick of the child from daycare when my H didn't give her something she wanted.
NUTJOB and my stupid H = poor kid. NUTJOB and HER stupid H = poor kid.
My H = head up his rear, and in total selfish mode. Her = utter manipulative NUT JOB.
All in all... poor kid.
T:22, M:20 H:55 Me:45 H-OW PA: N/07 OW Jan08 Bomb:Feb/08 S: Apr/08 Back together Ap1/09-Sept/11 Oct, 2011, uncertain future/H is a mess. Dec/11 - Doin'friend mode. Some days are better than others.
