Abbey: The part where you said "As hard as it is... I might suggest you resist even making the comments you did about "more nights" too. It's too soon. Don't over sell the "buyer" signs she's making. (I'm a sales person)." confuses me just a little. I didn't say that, she did. And my response was very calm, short of my pupils dilating I don't think she' got much of a response out of me.
Yesterday was insanely tough, it was Thanksgiving without her or the son. I went to my brother-in-law's parent's home. It was warm, there were about 8 of us there, and there was food and football. It was way better than being alone. I was trying to mask my sadness at dinner and pushed through it, and on my way out is when I lost it. My 5 year old niece, who adores my stepson, asked if he was going to be coming over for Christmas. I mustered up all I could do to say "I don't think so sweetie," said goodbye, and pretty much lost it on the way out.
I did ask my wife two nights ago if she would do me the favor of coming to see a therapist with me. I've found a local one that actually cites the DB books on her website. I told her I need to understand. She asked a few questions and wondered if she is seeing her separate from me, and as I understand it we would start out together and then see the therapist separately. My wife got very cold and said "Alex there are things that have been broken for seven years" and alluded to her previous statement that this whole thing is done and over. I responded with "I just need to understand, even if it doesn't change us. I need to understand in order to move forward with me." She said she was supportive of that. I did make a point to tell her this person is a marriage therapist, not a personal therapist, and asked that she still consider going. She still agrees, but I don't think she liked that. I didn't want her to be unclear about what this person does and make her feel like she was being attacked if we go in. As of yet I have yet to make first contact with the therapist. All this might be a little too soon, but..
I'm very worried I don't have much time left. Wife is applying for job all over the country now, desperately trying to find something. Her job is now done, so she's unemployed. She's never not been unemployed for long, and this is very stressful for her. I feel badly--I will do what I can to be supportive, but how can I do this when it means she will get up and move across the country?
Right before the bomb, and continuing yesterday, she began the purge. First in her side of our home office she got rid of piles of old papers. Yesterday when I got home her and son had been there for a while after returning from her family Thanksgiving. She had been putting together garbage bags full of old stuff to purge and her side of the bedroom closet is now the emptiest I've ever seen it since we've been together. It's very distressing.
I'm doing my best to affirm, not tell. She's currently feeling under the weather and I've asked her if there is anything I can do for her, get her some Nyquil, etc. Frankly I would have done the same before the bomb. The area I'm having difficulty but working through is my level of neatness versus her. She's been cooking more to occupy her time, and cooking with her never means cleaning up after cooking, it means pots and pans in the sink for 3 days minimum. I just wasn't raised that way, but I remind myself what is important and I'm learning to blow it off. I wish I had learned that earlier.
I'm just..scared...I'm not going to get a chance here. She's very much like "the decision is made" and at times I feel like she might be just playing along because she doesn't have much for housing options. Of course friends and family say "she's just taking advantage of you" but I view that as a price to pay to try to move forward.
Do I schedule the therapist? She says she's willing to go, but I don't want to push her. At the same time, when I see "apply for job in Chicago and apply for job in St. Louis" on her to-do list, I get very anxious because she could be gone quickly.
