I hope you understand that is likely just as "common" as any "better" result... Your experience was the same as mine last Christmas which is why I stopped attending any "joint family" gatherings.
A detached look back on my experience would suggest there was nothing I could have done to "make it a better experience". It truly wasn't about MY behaviour only. There was a definite sense of being uncomfortable to the more overt displays of... exclusion of me...
Try not to beat yourself up about it. Chalk it up to experience. It is as likely as not that anything you could have different would have made it any better.
My take is, the kids would notice you are not that. The ALSO and JUST AS POWERFULLY would notice the uncomfortable environment and recognize it is not YOUR fault, exclusively...
My choice is to provide the least uncomfortable experience for the kids... I know that any "event" that I celebrate with my kids is done with the most joy and cheers as I can provide... it's the only thing I can control... rather than having only one event which... well... how can TWO of a good thing, be a bad thing...?
As they say, do what works... stop doing what doesn't... adjust as necessary...
