Upside Down

[Coyote]

Surprisingly, or not so surprisingly, I'm still learning from backslides after 6 years. The idea is to get them smaller, less frequent but most of all, learn from them.

If you make an oops, apologize. Make amends if needed. Discuss it even. Make a note of it then try not to repeat the same ones again. Then carry on. You'll get better with this as it goes along.

"I like the stuff about supporting her and have tried to do that. However, I even wonder about that because supporting her is something I've tried to do so this is not exactly a 180 for me..." But then you continue with, "I have noticed that she seems surprised when I'm trying be nice."

You answered yourself here. Try changes that are positive and you figure are worth it. Take note over a couple weeks. If it's no good, for both you and/or her, drop it. Try another. Remember, these changes are as much for yourself, or even more for yourself than they are for her.

Much like putting an oxygen mask on in an airplane that blows a window. You have to put yours on first before you can help another. Otherwise you'd be unconcious and of no help to anybody.

Note: Watch for small changes too, aka, " she seems surprised." They're usually more frequent than the big ones and can be just as telling. Just not as dramatic.

"I guess hoping for something to sink in is a fools game."

I understand your frustration but remember this, and you will hear it again, 'Lasting change takes time.'

This does not hurry itself overnight. This is a process of hitting smaller pieces one at a time. If you try to hurry things along, aka., 'you're my only one and you should drop this silliness right now...' it will definitely set things back. Again, if you make an oops, refer to the above.

"Such a mind game."

A lot of DBers misunderstand this at first. I did. Playing 'mind games' would imply you are trying to alter 'her' behaviour. Not so, you are trying to alter 'your' behaviour, for the better. Much like a dancer changing their step. The other changes there's to follow along.