What else could I have done?

[antlers]

I have been divorced for a year now. Prior to that we had an 8 month separation and then a very nasty 13 month divorce. I recently found out that she's now involved in a committed relationship with a man that she worked with over 10 years ago while we were raising our family. It does hurt...even after all this time.
I know she still hurts. I've been apologizing for 3 years. Maybe that's not enough to address the pain that I caused her. But what more could I have done...other than not screw up in the first place? I'd take it all back if I could. I had remorse, I apologized, I asked forgiveness, I did all I could to atone, I went to a Love Without Hurt Bootcamp, I took a Compassionate Parenting course, and I went to counseling. 'I am not the same person I was in that relationship'.
My behavior truly was reflective of how I felt about myself, instead of how I felt about her. I'm sorry that she still hurts...I remember each and every thing that she remembers.
I'm struggling to 'let go'...the emotional divorce is harder than the physical divorce.

[ClingingToHope]

How do you know she still hurts? I kept thinking our split was hard on her, but then I found out several times in several ways that it wasn't.

I still haven't totally let go and I may never totally let go. You know really only time helps. I severely burned my foot when I was five. I used to show off the scars to people growing up. I looked last year and I couldn't remember which foot it was and I couldn't tell by looking. The scars have faded away. I think that's how it is with divorce.

[antlers]

I know she still hurts because last week she sent me a nastygram describing in detail painful memories that she has due to me...and I remember every one of them.

[~ kd ~]

Your W may forgive you in time... or not...

Have you forgiven yourself, yet?

[antlers]

Yes, thank God I have forgiven myself. It was a huge step for me. After nearly 3 years, I accepted my own forgiveness. I had to forgive myself before I could let go. Now I'm working on letting go.

[cat03]

ditto... though I can see how much pain it causes you for her to bring it up over and over again. As I read your post this bible verse came to mind "Therefore, I tell you, her sins, which are many, are forgiven, for she loved much; but he who is forgiven little, loves little."
It is important you forgive and move on, it is sad that she can't let go despite having "moving on". She needs to get some C to let go of the anger... my ex never did forgive me for my side of the damage I did to our M, even after he came back, I forgave tons and asked for forgiveness over and over. Some people just hold grudges and there is nothing you can do but hand them over to God and pray they forgive as God has forgiven *them* as well.

Get a hold of "eat, pray and love",might be a chick book, ha ha, but read the part when the author is in India, she struggles to forgive herself and the way she reaches to the conclusion that the only thing she could control was herself, her mind, what she allowed to grow or fester in her brain... how she had to pick her thoughts as she picked her clothes... very carefully.

During the first year I struggled with all the horrible things that had happened (ex had ow with whom he humilliated me over and over). I realized that each time I went to the past and tried to see who's fault was whom, each time I remembered the horrible pain he caused me it was like me putting my hand inside a basket full of broken glass... me attempting to put together the piece of glass, a useless task which only left me with a bleeding arm and lots of hurt, I gained nothing by doing it.

Same thing, force your brain to stay with positive thoughts and unhinged yourself from her toxicity... you asked for forgiveness, God had forgiven you, and that is that.

[antlers]

After she left, she continued to move on...while i continued to hold on. I held on throughout an 8 month separation, a very nasty 13 month divorce, and then for a year after the divorce.
I now am committed to putting my time and energy into investing in my own personal growth instead of investing in a relationship that has ended. There is no return on the investment in the relationship's emotional corpse. In contrast, the greatest possible return comes from investment in me.
And letting go is the key to my growth and development. I want to do this.

[antlers]

The rejection and betrayal are still painful. I still loved her because I gave my heart to her and committed myself to her. I took vows to love her until death. Unfortunately, she didn't keep her end of the contract. She broke it.
Her being involved in a committed relationship now with this guy that she worked with over 10 years ago while we were raising our kids hits me with a whole new realization of the finality of the situation.
I must let go of the painful past. I must stand in the present and face toward the future.

[antlers]

It is sad that she can't let go despite having "moving on". Some people just hold grudges and there is nothing you can do but hand them over to God and pray they forgive as God has forgiven *them* as well.

As long as it's all my fault, then none of it is her fault...even her infidelities during our marriage! Jesus Himself couldn't tell her that she did anything wrong!

It was a big step to get to where I truly forgave myself for the things I had done wrong...took me 3 years to get there. But I was able to finally do it and mean it! Now I'm strugging with 'letting go' of my painful past. I'm working hard to 'get there' like I did with my own forgiveness. I so want to let go of it, and move on to a better things. I do feel bad about my wrongdoings...but she doesn't feel bad about anything she's done. I'm simply tired of hurting.

[Rick1963]

Thanks for your guidance. I know you are preparing me for the worst time in my life. I just hope I do not become angry bitter and vindictive through this process. It is easier to be those things than taking the high road. I will do my best.