Can MLC last a short time?

[Ctflor]

"Her h needs to help her to recover from the hurt by kindness and sensitivity."

Which he has been doing.

I don't think that lying and hiding more damaging things to our relationship has been helping me recover.

Again, we don't know what it is in this sitch. Did she actually ask him why he was looking at porn rather than making him feel ashamed? I don't know. And we all know that shaming doesn't work. All it does is push the behavior underground.

Of course I asked, and I got an answer, I understand why, but that doesn't mean I have to be OK with it. I didn't shame him, he has always known my stance on porn, way before we got engaged.

No one said it was 'C's fault. I was just asking the question of what her sex life was like. While she felt used by him, it might have been his only way of connecting with her. Then when that was cut off, he had to find other means. We don't know.

When my h started his EA, he cut off the sex, and it was his decision to keep it that way until he decided to stay. I never cut off intimacy, but I did back off and let him make the decision to be with me. Nothing has been cut off, but I will say I don't really feel like being intimate lately after this latest lie again. I'm a woman, I need there to be a level of trust going. Don't tell me to trust, then lie again a few weeks later when things are starting to get better.

The only person who knows is her H and she has to understand that he has feelings too. The two need to push through the apathy and understand what the other is feeling. And not rely on shame or anger, or embarrasment or whatever. Sweeping things under the rug will only result in the sitch getting worse. We've seen it time and time again on here.

You have truly missed the mark on what kind of a person I am. By your count, I have dragged him out on the front lawn and beat him and shamed him or something. We actually had a calm quiet discussion. Where *I* didn't judge him, I simply asked and reminded him about my stance on porn and what we discussed before marriage. I might be angry and hurt about this inside, and coming here to vent my feelings, but I come here so that I CAN vent those feelings and approach things with my h calmly.

No one has been ganging up on you and lets face it ... we ALL get you. We've been where you are. Some in worse situations. Far worse.

And I have been in the FAR WORSE situation in my first marriage. Domestic abuse, pornography, affairs, etc. So I do understand that while THIS situation may not be as bad as OTHERS, I have been there done that.

What you need to understand is that others are offering their perspective of what your H might be feeling. If you don't give a crap about his feelings then why pursue the M?

Hmm. where did I say I don't care about HIS feelings? Because it has ALWAYS been about my H's feelings. And you know what I have discovered, since discovering DB-ing? That NOTHING has been about me for years, and I'm finally making my life about me too. And that's been scaring the crap out of him. I've always been quiet and meek,too easily accessible, always home, not no more. He's been holding on to me tightly since I'm GAL-ing lately like no tomorrow. he knows that I can survive on my own now. He treated me like I was an option he could take or leave last summer, but I'm not an option no more. I do care about his feelings, but it's high time I also start caring about me, and if that means losing this M, then so be it. I can't live in a relationship that does not make ME happy too. I won't stop GAL-ing either. It feels too good.

I get you're hurting. Again, been there done that with two young kids. It wasn't until I started seeing my W as a human being again with faults as well as me, that I started healing.

Please tell me you're not insinuating that I don't see my husband as human.

Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?

His porn viewing has nothing to do with right or wrong. He knew before going in that it would not be OK with me. If I want my M, will I compromise on porn? I don't know.

Should he have to compromise on his porn viewing, if he cares about our M?