Before going any further, I want to ask about this b/c I might forget by the time I get to the end of my post.
Quote:
We are scheduled to attend an "out-of-court" D seminar in mid-December. The group putting on the event is a legal-religious organization that attempts to have couples put their children first when working out their differences using D coaches and lawyers committed to a collaborative process. I believe my W is waiting to obtain the information from this event before making her next (legal) move.
Whose idea was this seminar? Here's what I see that happens a lot.....a WAW will agree to attend C sessions (or some other type mtg.) with her LBH, but after the fist or second meeting....she then announces (usually at the meeting) that she's made up her mind to go through D procedures. So unless this is a court ordered type of meeting, could you get out of it? Could all meetings centered around the MR be postponed until after the end of the year? I'm just asking b/c that would buy you some time and doing all that during December has to be a nightmare! I agree with your thoughts about how she plans to use this meeting to promote a D.
Okay, so let's look at some goal setting. I think you may have stumbled over your first goal to reach:
Quote:
I have a tendency to worry about my W's emotional state, to ask her if she is ok.
So what do you think about reaching for midnight this coming Sunday, without asking her (not even one time) if she's okay? If that's too hard, then how about getting through 48 hrs? If you don't make it without slipping up, then observe to see if it is more out of habit, or if something specific caused you to ask. But, here's the thing.....this is a behavior pattern that needs to be broken, and if you can make it through 48 hrs or midnight Sunday, you will be on your way to becoming a more attractive man. Once you stop checking to see if she's ok, then that alone is going to have a stronger, more positive influence on your W.
I'm really glad you brought this up b/c most men want to rescue the fragile damsel in distress. One of many big 180's for you will stop doing what "seems" to be natural or normal. You may have very legitimate reasons for worry over her emotional state, but this is the time, right here and now, to focus on not asking her. Don't ask if anything might be wrong, or if she's okay, etc. Once we have enough time to give you more detailed information describing your role now, the pieces will start to fit.
Your WAW has made an adult decision to leave her M and break up her family. So now, she needs to put her big girl panties on. What do you need to do? You give her the space to learn how to wear those big-girl panties all by herself! You don't run to her if she seems distressed. You don't hover trying to shield her from anything that might be unpleasant. You don't take a temperature check to make sure she's okay. In a sense, it's very much like dealing with a teenager. You have to allow her to experience the consequences of her own decisions. That's tough to do, but as long as you try to make everything okay for her, she will continue to make her life and the lives of you and the children.....pretty much hell on earth.
In order for you to look more "attractive" in the eyes of your WAW, you need to pull back from her, and I think you've read that, but maybe you don't realize how much or all the ways to pull back. Here's another goal to set. Stop giving her your undivided attention unless she is speaking to you. That means that you aren't so available to her. Don't be rude or act like a jerk who has no manners, but remember.....she's a co-worker. That's what she wants, right? Stay off the phone/computer unless it has high importance regarding kids. This will be harder than you think. Retraining patterns!
Changing the subject just a little bit here, but how much help does she have with the children and/or chores with housework?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
