Pers, The last resort technique is exactly what it sounds like.. last resort. It involves going "off the grid" to see if your spouse misses you.
I'm not sure you are to that point. I don't know how long you have been away from your family, but when I have spoken to my military g/f's... space is not really something they are wanting from their husbands.. too much space has kinda been the problem.
As for wanting her to feel validated and respected.. those are great goals. How about you tweak it a little to say...
"I want to respect and validate my w"
The reason I say this is because
1) These goals take time and alot of hard work on your part. I'm not talking days or weeks.. I'm talking months.. so bear down and prepare for the long battle ahead.
2) You haven't read the books yet, but DBing is actually about saving OURSELVES first.. then hopefully our marriage... so you want to work on validation and respect. If you work on it for her.. the change will be half-hearted. If you work on it for you.. she will benefit as will any other relationship in your life... for the rest of your life. Quite the difference.
3) Your w will have a ton of different reactions to your changes. While she is fearful she may lash out, cry, ignore you, cling to you, test you... it's quite the rollercoaster. You just have to be consistent... and remembering that you are doing it to be a better husband than to make her feel a certain way... will make the rollercoaster more bearable
There will be times when her perspective of you "validating and respecting" her differs from yours. In my experience - this has come much later... and it's okay that it happens. You get to a point where you know in your heart that the changes are true and trust your changes. That's when the awesomeness of DBing really starts setting in.
And there will be a moment in her life where she can chose to believe you or stay in fear forever.
IMVHO - the only way you make it through all of it.. is if you heart has genuinely changed to being that person.
So if you want to do it, and I believe you do, just do it. There are so many ways to show respect. There are so many ways to validate a person's feelings.
You asked for suggestions - here are mine With everything you do w/ her.. ask yourself.. "am I truly respecting my wife with this comment, this decision, this action, etc."
Validating is alot of listening - when she she wants to argue and tell you how she feels... shut up and listen. Fight the need to defend yourself. Find the need to "be right".
She is giving you information - although not in the best way - listen to her! If your not sure what she is saying - repeat her to make sure you understood. Three awesome words to start using.. "That makes sense".
No one is every 100% right or 100% wrong. We each are entitled to our own feelings and perspectives. People always get caught up with self "What about how I feel.. what about my pain, my wants".. why should I keep giving when I'm not getting anything back in return".
That makes sense.. but let me ask you... how did being selfish work out for you?
What I have been learning is that if you listen to them, they are more likely listen to you. If you validate them, they validate you.
If you give love, you will receive love. It does not happen overnight.. and it may never happen the way you want it to.. but I believe it does happen in some form.
Good luck!
M(f): 43 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
