Wife left

[Gnosis]

my IC told me to ask for feedback from W on how I am doing. If I am getting better, what I need to improve on or what I need to stop doing. Is this a good idea? Doesn't this go against DB?

It's not a good idea and I'll tell you why....

Because you're seeking her approval for your changes and that makes you look like a supplicant in her eyes which leads to further loss of respect.

Additionally, a common mistake for a man trying to DB is to jump through the hoops that the WAW has set, then running to her and telling her all about it. E.g. "You told me you wanted more help around the house. I've been doing that. Can't you see the changes? C'mon let's drop this whole D thing and fall in love with me again." i.e. Like a puppy returning the stick thrown and sitting on it's haunches waiting for a pat on the head.

Please don't do this.

The best policy you can follow right now is: FEW words and plenty of ACTIONS.

I cannot stress how important this is. Do not share what you have been doing in a way that appears that you're seeking approval. It only leads to disgust and apathy in the WAW. You need to demonstrate strength and that you are doing this for yourself IRRESPECTIVE of her.

If she comments about any of your improvements (and eventually she will -- in the form of an insult!) you need to be ready with a reply somewhere along these lines: "I don't know where you got the idea that I'm doing this for you. I'm doing this for myself. Think whatever you want. I LIKE the new me!"

And don't get drawn into arguments. If you're ambushed, tell her, "I don't feel like talking about this right now. We can discuss this later." And WALK AWAY. Bring it up another time when you're better prepared for the subject at hand.

If your WAW thinks or perceives she is in control of you... the less she will want to be with you.

[Gnosis]

What I was trying to get through to you in the above post is:

Don't tell her, SHOW her.

Being in law enforcement you should know that evidence is the proof required to prove someone innocent or guilty and not their word.

[sandi2]

I don't agree with that IC's advice. Unfortunately, you may run into different advice or opinions from a C. This is the wrong thing to say to your WAW. At this moment in time, I think you have bigger problems than communication.

[CO1978]

Thanks for that advice, I knew it didn't sound right. Thankfully, Thanksgiving is over. I did well at my dad's house, people were drinking beer, and I was able to survive. It is very strange how I can now smell beer from across the room. My emotions did get the better of me on the drive home, I really do miss my W. I couldn't get her out of my head all day. Later in the evening she called to tell me she was on the way to pick up S, we talked on the phone for about 20 minutes mostly about her job. She did have a good laugh when I told her our S found some of his Christmas presents and tricked me into letting him have them (it was quite clever how he did it too). She picked up S and pretty much did a hit and run this time. I did mention that the IC is going to be giving her a call Monday to set her up an appointment with another IC for her PTSD. Not much of a reaction out of her. I really hope she goes to this, because I think the PTSD is one of the biggest obstacles in our way. I also told her S is feeling much better, she said sorry for leaving him with me for 3 days while he was sick. I told her I didn't mind and really appreciated how she took care of him whenever he is sick. I know how much she does, and explained I don't mind sharing the responsibility. She seemed surprised with that, and said she didn't mind doing it that is why she never asked for help. The only thing else she pretty much said was her grandparents made a plate of food up for me (yep they still love me too :P) and ran out the door. I can't blame her for doing the hit and run though, she has a 17 hour work day tomorrow (works at an electronics store). Another emotion bomb hit me when she left. It never stops being painful watching your family leave your home to spend the night elsewhere.

[jbnati]

I agree with the others, 1978. Don't ask for feedback on the changes. In addition to the above - if you ask for feedback, your W is going to see it as a tactic, too. She may acknowledge the changes, but it's going to take some time for her to be convinced they are real and lasting.

Good job today not wearing your emotions on your sleeve around your W. You're going to feel these emotions, but trust me, it does get better and easier to deal with over time.

[sandi2]

Good job! Holidays are really hard and can be quite emotional even if your M isn't in trouble.

I think you have done fantastic with no drinking!

[CO1978]

Once again thanks for the support sandi. I was just finishing with my running on the treadmill when W dropped S off. I was soaked in sweat so I took my shirt off, and got no reaction. Not even an "oh you were running?" I of coarse asked her how her day was going and let her vent, then she rushed off back to work. Since she has walked out I don't think she once asked me one question of how I'm doing or made any comments about me. It feels like I'm not even there. Its so hard to even want to talk to her at all. I try not to let it bother me, because I know I'm changing for me, and with or without her I'll be better. I just can't get over how cold she seems, even if I make her laugh its like an alarm goes off in her head that tells her "get out now". Well at least she dropped off some Thanksgiving leftovers before the alarm went off :P

[PERSEVERANCE]

Keep it up 1978. In her mind, she is probably just trying to be strong- not hurtful. I'm sure if you continue on your path to improvement, she will gradually warm up. Best of luck, hang in there.

[sandi2]

don't think she once asked me one question of how I'm doing or made any comments about me

That's b/c it's all about her! I was the same way when I was WAW. Rude, cold, and self-centered.....yeah, that pretty much describes it.

[CO1978]

sandi if you dont mind me asking, how long were you like that? I know every sitch is different and every person is different, but I really hate these one way conversations, but it is a good kick in my head now that I know how she felt (though I don't think I was ever that bad, at least I hope not).