Help me understand: if DBing is about "do what works," then why would you NOT let OW know your husband is still ML to you, when you ADMIT that it would be effective?? Starsky
Ok, given it's unconventional, but I KNOW the only chance to get this thing done with, once and for all, is to basically let them self destruct together. I can't really do the full monty of that until this house is sold.
In a nut shell... this is a chess match. And for for us to have any chance to actually fix "us", H has to feel what it's like to be betrayed. And fully understand what he's done. Only then will someone like that be willing to do the work and make a full on effort to be the person he used to be again. And make amends to me. Will he? I don't know.
What I do know is: because I've lived part one of this back in 08 and 09, I know what I'm dealing with, with him and her. The big Dark Zone and LRT will only work if I let it go now, and then shove back hard later. (It's what I had to do then, and what I know I have to do now.) He will miss me like crazy. Especially when the WACKJOB begins to let her guard down and become verbally abusive, manipulative and issuing her threats. (which she's already doing btw).
He, btw, is already betraying her... with me. Again. *shrug* If I was to show those cards now, I've basically played my cards.
To be honest, I don't really know if I will want this man once we get to this point. That's where I'm at. As others have said about their spouses, the LBS begin seeing a very unflattering picture. Weak, lying, cheaters etc. Can those people actually become better people. Some do, some don't. My father wasn't the same man in the last 15 years of his life, vs what he was when he was married to my mother. People can make those changes, they have to want to. Will I ever trust him again? I don't know. Will I want to? I don't know. Is he actually capable of doing that work and leaving behind the scumbag personality traits? I don't know.
So.... This is survival, and I do know that you meant boundaries with H. I'm looking at this long term. He's going to get lots of them when I'm out of here. Where I was emotionally when this thing happened in 2008 and now, are very different. Thus my willingness to really just try to put up with the insanity is for the longer term goal. And I refuse to live in a war zone. If push comes to shove, I'll make him move out.
As is sits now, ...He's 2 weeks into wanting his "new" sitch to all just be a smooth happy bump free existence. Like that's going to last, right? He's emotionally upheaved. AND He's alien abducted, and as such not much else will get through. He wants everyone to dance to his tune. (As does she). The thing is, the more I put up with, with her trying to pull the strings, the more sloppy and her true colors will shine through. Time is on my side, both with having to sell the house... and her just losing her nut and starting to make all kinds of demands on him. It won't work. And guess what she'll do next? Threaten to limit any access to his daughter. What do you suppose happens then? Lots of fighting, threats and other nasties between them, no?
She has to burn him. And in order for that to happen, I have to go at this with a "new mind". I'm the mistress right now. It serves the longer term goal.
I walk away to the other end of the house when he talks to her. And make no mistake... if there was no child, he'd be GONE.
T:22, M:20 H:55 Me:45 H-OW PA: N/07 OW Jan08 Bomb:Feb/08 S: Apr/08 Back together Ap1/09-Sept/11 Oct, 2011, uncertain future/H is a mess. Dec/11 - Doin'friend mode. Some days are better than others.
