since her birthday is Dec 2, should i get her a present or card? if so, should it be romantic or funny or kinda neutral? what about Christmas?
she was angry with me today and curt but she apologized later. she said she didn't want to talk about OR any longer and that if she didn't say "you're getting a second chance" i wouldn't start doing the things to improve myself to show her that i deserve a second chance.
she's entitled to that view, of course, but i would disagree. i've done a huge amount of personal growth and am changing decades old habits as quickly as i can...i'm sure they could be faster with some folks but that's just not how it is for me right now.
Good question. I've been wondering about this as well.
It's good you are making changes. Keep it up. I think a lot of WAS's see the changes as too little and too late. They seem to be afraid that the changes will not last. At least that's how it is in my situation. It took a long time for my marriage to get to this point so I can't assume that I can fix it overnight.
I obviously do not know the details concerning your situation. I wish you luck. Keep posting.
Now, who here has an answer to this question....inquiring minds want to know.
Each sitch is different and that would determine what is appropriate or not...
In your case, David... it MIGHT be appropriate, as you are going to be attending the Thanksgiving event, and gauge the next events according to this weekend's results...
In your case, Jae... well... I'll take some of what you posted above back to your thread... things need to be considered before you make these choices...
This is a hard one. My W's birthday is on 12/29 and my D14 12/23. Always broke this time of year. By this time of year I would have asked my W to print me pictures of stuff she wanted fom Macys or the horse store. The ladys at Macys thought that was cute So I think this year I will ask D14 what she would like to get her mommy. I don't konw if that is the right thing to do. W has not asked what I want so Santa ain't bringinning me anything this year. hang in there
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
This will sound odd maybe but I would simply ask her what she wants. Remember, part of this is loving our s in the way they want to be loved. Would gifts make them feel bad? Would it increase their guilt? Or would it be seen simply as a nice gesture.
I know it sounds unromantic, and it is, but us guys I think spend too much time worrying about how romantic what we are doing is or isn't. I mean really... our W's are walking out the door, somehow I don't think they care about the romance.
For Christmas I asked my W if she wanted gifts. She said no. Then later she backtracked a little, partially because no gifts under the tree for us would look odd to the kids who are still in the dark. So we agreed we would get gifts but not for each other. She picked something out and so did I.
What I did find interesting is that she picked out a Kindle Fire. Then she backtracked... she didn't want to spend that much. Ok.. well we budget for Christmas and put money away every week, so we have the money. I told her that if she wants it she should get it, it's not unreasonable (it's not an iPad after all) . Her response was that I then had to get something for myself of near equal cost. Traditionally she and I have splurged on the kids, I splurge on her, and then I don't get much. I've always been ok with that... Dads don't really need that much and seeing my W's smiles and kids' smiles was gift enough.
But if that is what she needs right now then I agreed to get something of equal value. So we'll be adding an XBox to the house (assuming I can snag one at Black Friday... already readying my quarterstaff for battle!). And of course what then suxx is that had to start a discussion about where the XBox would go after we split. Though we agreed I'd keep it and she could take the Wii. That way SS and I can play some Black Ops when he's over here. There's nothing like a little XBox for bonding with the pre-teen male
Married 6 together 8 Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both SS12, SD10, S6 Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann) W moved out: 2/18/12 D final: 11/12/12 Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD
Make her a homemade CARD with coupons for things like. Bathing kid, load of laudry, load of dishes, grocery shopping. Put a least a 10 in there, no repeats.
Keep the CARD simple, don't pour your heart out on it. Just simple. You can however make it ornate. NO glue on stuff, just nice homemade pictures.
Don't even think about xmas, for a few weeks. See how things go. Also get son to make card too.
Plan on making her supper, with a homemade cake.
Have camera handy, but don't use it unless she asks for pics taken. Ie leave camera on counter.
I wanted to add, 14 yrs, will take 14 months to fix. Making baby steps every day.
As to anger, you have problem. Next time you get in confrontation. Look her in the eyes, and say your are sorry. Then shut up, let her vent. After she is done venting, ask for a hug. Hugs are HUGE, they will turn many siths around.
thanks for the replies and the advice, i'll just do something simple...i've done the home made cards before and store bought stuff and embellished those things as well, i've been serious about doing those kinds of things even though we talk about how we don't like them, we both do.
i suppose that my concern is that since she said she doesn't want to talk about OR then me giving her a card that expresses anything more deeply felt than a "hey man, have a great day and some beer." would be taken as more pursuit and clinging. yet those kinds of cards are ones which we both deplore.
it's true that my sitch is pretty unusual, so i'll try to take those things into context.
oh she reacted as you'd expect, sometimes with a bit of disdain if i did it myself and other times all fawning with love and attention if i found a card that was more apt for her and for us.
i think i'll just help my son make a card and be done with it. as much as i'm still in love with her i simply cannot take what is going on any longer, i don't particularly deserve it, though i may have earned some of it.
So I think this year I will ask D14 what she would like to get her mommy. I don't konw if that is the right thing to do. W has not asked what I want so Santa ain't bringinning me anything this year. 
hang in there
. Her response was that I then had to get something for myself of near equal cost. Traditionally she and I have splurged on the kids, I splurge on her, and then I don't get much. I've always been ok with that... Dads don't really need that much 