I will make one point though don’t ever just give in to your W because she needs to respect you. If you just give in you lose any respect you had.
I'm not quite sure where I gave in to my W in this situation. I'm know I have numerous times in the past. I'm a work in progress. If you think I gave in to her please let me know.
I want to offer my opinion here on this...
Respect is like forgiveness...
No one NEEDS to forgive us, nor do "they NEED" to respect us... it is their choice to do either...
Both forgiveness AND respect are gifts we FIRST should give to ourselves... If we choose to forgive and respect others... then we are on a good path... we giving others permission to forgive and respect us, by first giving it to ourselves...
When it comes to matters between you and her, you don't have to hang out with her. However when it comes to the kids, you should think of them first.
It is admirable that you are doing 180s, however there is a time and place for them. In this circumstance IMO you should spend the holidays with your kids.
You are mistaking detaching with lack of contact. Detaching means that you detach your emotions from the situation, not really physically. Right now your first priority is for yourself and your kids. Do you really want to pass up a Thanksgiving with them? Forget about your inlaws or whatever for a minute. Regardless of what, they will still be in your kids' lives. You can be a man of strength and face this head on, or you can avoid it because it feels "uncomfortable".
"Going over to her place, right now, would make everything awkward rather than enjoyable. "
It wouldn't make "everything" awkward. YOU would just feel awkward. And who says that you can't get yourself to enjoy it?
"I agree, but at some point I am going to have to do things with the kids and her. "
No better time than the present. The holidays are a good time to do something together because there is no one to one pressure. You are there to celebrate being together (even if its just with the kids).
Plus if you want her to see the new you, show her that you're not afraid. You are your own man.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Ok MrBond, I took your advice...I sent her a text telling her that my D is wanting me to go to her place for Thanksgiving and if the offer still stood I would like to come by for a bit. She responded with, "That would be nice". It's those kind of comments that drive me insane because they get my hopes up. I eventually talk myself down, but then I'm bummed after i grasp reality.
You haven't led me astray yet...Thursday will be my time to shine!
"It's those kind of comments that drive me insane because they get my hopes up."
It gets better over time to just accept them just as they are. Now psyche yourself up to go. Make sure you are dressed and look your best. Push your attitude up to 11 in terms of your confidence level. If it helps, model yourself after someone you admire who exudes what a successful man is. Why do you think I changed my name to Mr. Bond?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Good for you David. Go, be positive, upbeat, and enjoy the time. As 25 posted elsewhere, your d will look back at this Thanksgiving as a significant milestone event... make sure it's something worth remembering.
You are right to measure your reaction to the comment. See if you ran "That would be nice" through the LBH translator you get, "I love you and I'm so sorry, please see this as an olive branch on our road to getting back together." But if you run it through the WAW translator you get, "Ok. Now I don't have to feel guilty about not at least being nice on an important holiday and my daughter won't feel quite so bad." See... the difference?
Yes, the above is a bit sarcastic, but I've been there man. I've read the littlest comment or act as something way more than it really was. Quite frankly, at this point in her process, she's all about her and her needs so interpret most things in that light.
Married 6 together 8 Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both SS12, SD10, S6 Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann) W moved out: 2/18/12 D final: 11/12/12 Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD
Plans change quickly. Today is the day my W and I trade the girls. She said she would have to do it later this afternoon. Which is fine by me....more time with my ladies...I'll take it. Around 2 I text messaged her and asked when she wanted them. It turns out she was at orientation at her new job. I told her congrats and to let me know.
It was around 5 pm and I still hadn't heard anything. The girls were hungry so I decided to take them to a restaurant by their moms house. This way I could just drop them off when we were done. As we were pulling in I got a text from the W saying that she was on her way. I told her we were at a restaurant. I thought about it and I figured since she was picking up the girls anyway, and she just got a new job, maybe she'd want to meet us at the restaurant to eat. I made it sound like we were all celebrating her new job. Does she see that as pursuing? I don't know, but does it really matter? She's gonna think what she is gonna think. Eating dinner with the kids was much easier on both of us as she didn't have to feed them, she got dinner, and I got to spend more time with the kiddos.
I surprised myself. I was calm, cool and collect. I was smiling and laughing. Joking around with the girls. I listened to my W about her new job. I maintained eye contact and was really interested in what she was saying. At one point she seemed a bit uncomfortable that I was looking her in the eyes and she turned away. I dialed it down some. I asked questions about her schedule, how she likes her co-workers, what she'd be doing, etc.
We then talked about the girls and general stuff. I was telling her about all the funny things the girls did. My D3 called me a butt-head today. I have no idea where she learned that. I told the W about it. It was one of those times that it throws you off guard you have to try really hard not to laugh as you're telling them not to call names. It was hilarious. I also updated her about the IRS situation. We didn't get too in depth, but I told her enough that she knows what is going on.
She was wearing that ring again. The thing is it didn't phase me. My mind started to wander a bit, but I was able to reel it in quickly. As I mentioned before I was smiling, joking around and I came off as confident, content and happy. The weird thing is.....I wasn't acting. I had a good time. I'm not down and out. My mind isn't racing. We had a pleasant time and the girls were really happy and hyper towards the end.
I'm proud of myself. I do have a slight concern as to whether she viewed tonight as pursuing, but again, I can't control that. The dinner made life easier on both of us and on the kids. Win/win.
I'm looking forward to tomorrow. I'm no longer nervous. I know I can be myself and frankly, I like myself.
Thanks MrBond for pushing me. I didn't think I could do it, but now I know I can. I think doing to too often would be viewed as pursuing...and it would be. I realized that I am actually very blessed in this situation. My W wants me to be involved with the kids. I've heard horror stories and my heart goes out to the mothers/fathers that have their kids taken away because of divorce.
All in all, a GREAT day. Tomorrow will be a better one. Especially knowing that I don't have to act "as if", because I already am. Great confidence boost tonight.
Hope everybody has a great turkey day. Be safe. I'm praying for all of us that are in the grind right now. This time is tough, but we will survive.
