The year of not my problem

[AJM]

KML, I totally agree.

Journal:
I was responding to some other posts earlier. One poster caught my attention so I followed them back in the archives. One post she made referred to the feelings she had about her first marriage. How she felt and why she left it. How she felt he never loved her etc.

As I read it my skin crawled a little. The reason for that is that it drove home that I really had very little part in my wife's leaving and subsequently divorcing me.

I'm not perfect. I have my issues. But her leaving had little to do with me. I see that. I saw that. But that post reminded me of that and some of the thinking and what role the EA played.

Truth is, if the EA had that impact, the marriage wasn't going succeed anyway. I can see that. But it didn't have to end like that either.

Anyway, just wanted to get that off my chest. Life is short and I have many miles to go (metaphorically speaking) before I rest.

Ciao,

AJ

[AJM]

Journal. Saw my daughter tonight. She was at a church group. I said hello, but she turned around and didn't speak to me.
For somebody who doesn't "hate" me, she sure has a funny way of showing it.
I've been thinking lately. Mostly because of ex and her trying wanting to talk instead of email. I don't want to. I see her as the monster still. So I don't talk to her. It's still not something I enjoy. I agreed to let her come over and pick up D passport in the coming week. Or weeks. No telling when she'll come by, although she'll have to let me know before too long. If the pattern holds, she'll say something in the next week or so to work out a time. I've been thinking about that.

I don't talk to her because I don't trust her. She is manipulative and often mean. Even in the emails. Funny how a little word here or there is telling. I've decided to take a different tack and respond back with the more positive language of somebody who is polite. Maybe she'll get the hint, since directly telling her hasn't worked to date.

Does this junk ever end? I'm sure it does, but how long does it take? I mean really? (I know the answer to that, just expressing it out loud

Peace,
AJ

[kat727]

I am not sure exactly what made it change for me. I was really cold in the beginning couldn't even look at him. Then of course treated him like the mailman. Now it is like talking to the guy I knew.

I still see how things hurt my kids, how he still hurts them now. So I know that he is still in a fog.

So something changed in me. I figured I needed to coparent to some degree with him. I melted a bit. The kids are a bit more at ease with him as well. So I think you are on to something by being kinder. As your relationship thaws between the two of you, it may also warm between you and your daughter. 16 is a hard age. I have one myself.

kat

[AJM]

I know the answer to this before I ask it.

Why does it have to be me again?!???

Ok, I'm done whining about it

Saw a sign the other day. Said Screw your past; don't let it screw you (similar to that; I paraphrased. The word they used rhymes with truck).

Made me laugh.

I'm sure I have to thaw a bit towards her. I try, but sometimes wonder when is it my turn with this dynamic. Then I remember that I don't want a turn in the crazy house. That I just want to be me. To be left alone. I remember that I have to be the one to stop how she treats me because it won't otherwise.

That's the part that reminds me she made me her enemy. I doubt I'll ever know why, and I've long ago given up trying to find out. But I do know she has. I can't live that way (hating somebody). That would kill me to hate somebody that way.

Instead, I wish her well. I really do. I did (and do) love her. Just differently. I wish her the best in her future paths. I sometimes wish she'd just leave me alone and stop trying to hurt and be petty. But that's not reality so I go back to my previous - it's up to me.

I'm not sure, but I think you're right Kat. I'll try to thaw a bit, but I have no intentions of talking to her personally. She has my email address. She can talk all she wants and I do respond. That was thawing for me.


Thanks for posting.
AJ

[kat727]

I'll send you a blow dryer!!

kat

[AJM]

LOL. Thanks for the laugh!

[exquisitetobe]

I do not want this post to get lost in archives.

AJ's view and toughts are amazing and well written.

I refer to it often and benefit from it.

Thank-you AJ !

[antlers]

Screw your past; don't let it screw you.

I'm liking that. It's hard to let go of the past...but it's necessary.

[AJM]

Just journaling. Things have been really good for me. I got a thank you text from D. That was certainly unexpected but nice to get.
Also got a lot of flack from ex. She's still a monster, but didn't expect much else. She told me to wake the f** up about my daughter. Said I should think of her (I do) and when I asked her for her to share her thoughts (it is my daughter after all; I feel I need to ask if there is something to hear) she replied she doesn't care to share anything with me. This was from a conversation where I asked for my son's passport to renew it. I want to take him to London for the 2012 olympics. She got indignant for my daughter (WTF? right?) Said I should think of her feelings. To which I pointed out that daughter is welcome to come and doesn't know about it, so it won't bother her for now even if it did later. She ranted and raved that I should call the D's therapist. Yeah right.

Lots of mixed messages in that sense. She acts like she wants to share things about the kids but then shies away and acts like an orgre. I realized I have to put up with this behavior (to some degree) for the next 3.8 years while my son is not 18. After that, we don't have to talk. I look forward to that, because it is annoying.

When I got back from Calif I cleaned out the storage. It dawned on me then that she left her past behind. Pictures, keepsakes, etc. Me included of course, but more than that. I knew that, but it really sank in that day.

So I swore off crazy people for that month. I liked that enough to extend my crazy people ban for November and then December. I'm still carrying on that ban, in case you wondered and it really works well for my sanity

Things are settling at work. I'm getting into a groove and starting to feel more comfortable. Things that happen outside work really don't bother me much. At work they don't either but that's just me. I take them as they come and deal with them. Feels good to be accepting things like that. Feels natural.

I've decided to return to college as well. Working through the mountains of paperwork. Wheeee.....

Also taking on more at church. Lots to do there.

And I'm dating a really nice girl for a few months now. It's fun and relaxing if not difficult to get the time.

Anyhow, nothing else to really report on nor update. Things are progressing but mostly at a slow pace.

Peace,
AJM

[WenikiTiki]

AJM,

I like what you wrote on Tads thread. Really hit home with me.

I started to read your thread here, will have to come back later.

I just want to agree, I just don't understand why my H keeps telling me that we will still be friends if we get divorced. I'm not even sure we are much more than a bad habit for each other right now.

Aloha!