Separated But Living Under the Same Roof

[workinghardguy]

Welcome James... sorry you're here... but if you have to be anywhere while in this mess, this is a good place.

I can relate... My W and I are still living together in the same bedroom and in the same bed. We have a S5 together and a SS11 and SD9 from her first marriage. And while the older two are not mine, I have been parenting them since they were 3 and 1 so they may as well be. W and I have been in this mess since 9/9, so almost three months. She wants a D some time next year once we clean up some fiscal matters. Yesterday I came home to find her online drafting divorce papers.

Sandi's advice is great and follow it. Also prepare yourself for a whole of "distancing" from her. She will say things and do things to push you away. When you start to gravitate towards each other she will then violently turn away again. My W has told her friends, told my friends, hidden from Facebook that we are married, told her family, deleted all pictures of us from Facebook, and most recently put me on the customized list of people who do not get her Facebook updates.

Sandi is right that your W is not the person you married anymore and neither are you. My W married me largely as a provider and security. But when she lost her job and our financial house got messy that didn't fit any more, plus she had grown somewhat past that. There's a lot more involved and it's never one thing, but know that what you are hearing is not unusual or unique.

A couple basic concepts to start on:
1. This is not all your fault. Right now you feel it is. You will beat yourself up and feel horrible and like a failure. Stop. It took two to get you here, and she played a role too. You at least are owning up to your issues and willing to work on it, she is willing to run away.
2. Detach. Stop owning your W's emotional state. She chooses to be mad, sad, angry, hurt or whatever. That's her problem.
3. In your W's mind she has already left your marriage. Sorry to be the one to say this, but that's how WAW's operate. This is hard to hear and hurts, but it is what it is. It doesn't mean she lacks feelings for you or can't return to the M; it just means she isn't in the M right now. So don't do things or think of things in the mindset of "if I do this maybe she won't quit on our M" she pretty much already has.
4. Patience. You are ultimately in control here. You two are only done when you choose to be done and give up. Even if she divorces you things still aren't done. It's when you choose to no longer go on that it truly is over.

Sorry... my S wants me to sit with him for a while so I have to go... guess the coloring got old And since I'm GALing tonight I want to get some time in before I head out. But take care of yourself, exercise if you don't already, and get sleep. This is an ultramarathon you've started. I'm sure we'll write again.