Hi James, and welcome to our community here at DB. I'm so glad that you've read the book, but remember that it is just for you....not her. The Divorce Remedy is Divorce Busting updated. These books and this board are going to give you the tools you'll need to survive the journey ahead of you.
A few things you need to know, your posts will be fully monitored in the beginning, so if it seems slow to show up on the board, just be patient.
If you share a computer with your W, you may want to erase any history to this site. I'm not suggesting you be dishonest, but again, the information here will be for you....not W.
It is important to post every day possible, b/c that will keep us....more connected, and builds your support group.
IMHO it's better to stick to one thread instead of trying to post in more than one forum here at DB. I think the mods like for us to start a new thread after about ten pages of replies. Something to do with bogging down the system....IDK. No biggie.
So......here we go......
There are two words you'll hear till you get sick of it, and those 2 are "time" and "patience". This took years to get where you are now, so don't expect it to mend quickly.
Living together under the same roof can be horrible, but OTOH, you have a tremendous opportunity that separated LBH's don't have. I'll get to that later.
It is vital that you calm yourself and never operate out of fear. You feel the fear chomping at your heals b/c you don't want to lose your W and the M. The thought of your family breaking apart is enough to paralyze you. So, the first thing is to take deep breaths and focus on [i]yourself[/i].....only yourself (and the kids). Notice I left out the W. When your focus is on what she is doing, or saying, or thinking......you will not be making progress. Okay? That's the first thing you have to get under control....your fear.
Speaking of "control", the only person in this M that you can control is James. The only person you can "fix" is James. So when she does something that would ordinarily upset you.....remind yourself that you don't control her. You will feel more free from that burden, when you put it into practice. And, you'll get those chances every single day. So you've been warned!
If you have not read Michele's article on the WAW Syndrome (home page here at DB) then please do that right now. It describes the WAW very well. Even though the two of you are under the same roof......she's a WAW, b/c it's what's in her heart that makes her a WAW. There's another term that has been used here on the board.....a WW (wayward wife). A wayward wife can remind you of a rebellious teenager! You wonder what on earth has happened to change this woman. You don't even know who she is anymore! Am I right? Well, I can tell you who she isn't. She isn't the girl you fell in love with and M. But.....then I bet she could say the same about you, huh? So again, I warn you to be prepared to continue seeing this stranger who is residing inside your W's body, and don't even waste your energy trying to figure her out. Your job is not to figure her out, nor to rescue her, nor to fix her. Your job will be discussed by other members advising you what to do and don't do.
I don't know if you've ever been a goal setter or not, but you need to set a couple of short, achievable goals. Break it down into smaller steps. We all can help you with some of the steps.
I hope you'll do something I'm going to suggest for the rest of this week. I want you to think of your W as if she is nothing more than a co-worker. You are polite, nice, mannerly, etc. You can discuss matters regarding schedules, things regarding the children, and day to day things as if you'd do with any other co-worker in business. You may have to think of yourself as being "professional" when you're in the presence of your W. Don't beat-up this idea by thinking it's hypocritical...but rather, think of this as a plan to survive the rest of this week.
BTW, James, I was a WAW. My marriage has survived. There is hope for your marriage. So don't give up!
P.S. Weekends & holidays may be slower around here than through the week, so don't be discouraged.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
