I am new to this forum and new to the DB community. Until this week I had never heard of DB. I bought the book and am stunned at how clearly it speaks to my situation. (I wanted to buy a copy for my W and say, "This is us!", but I did not.)
Here is the backstory: W and I have been married 7 1/2 years (together 14 years). We have three children under 5 years of age. Both of us come from divorced families. As a result, we have always put the children first. Over time, we ended up tending to their needs more than our own.
We gradually became roomates. She did the lion's share of the child rearing and I spent a lot of time at work and pursuing hobbies. We tried couples' counseling on more than one occassion but after short-term successes we would always revert to a pattern that involved us not acting as a team, lots of score-keeping, resentment, disappointment, and arguing. The physical realtionship came and went; but, always the emotional content and the connection was lacking. Meanwhile, the arguing was growing more intense. (For example, we would have a great Friday and Saturday only to have a knock-down-drag-out argument on Sunday.)
About three years ago, W went and spoke to a lawyer regarding filing. She chose not to file at that time. For the last year, she has been asking for a separation. Each time she brought up the subject I resisted, calling it a "last resort." Eventually, in October, she told me that she wanted to separate immediately. We began living apart that night; we took turns staying at the marital home with the children--alternating nights, 4 a week for her, 3 for me. After a little less than a month of following the "alternating arrangement," she went to see the same lawyer. She told me later the same day that she was going to file as soon as she made some arrangements (I believe the issue was/is money for the lawyer's fee). She also told me that she was "moving back in" because it was too hard to be separated from the children every other day. She proposed that we create a schedule that would allow me to visit the kids at the house and then leave. My legal counselor advised against that arrangement and told me to move back into the marital home as well. As a result, we are now separated but living together in the marital home. (We are sleeping in separate bedrooms. Although she has told me that she finds the arrangment "uncomfortable," there have been no arguments or disputes of any kind; in fact, we had a quick dinner out together last night to discuss the holidays, after which she thanked me several times for keeping the communication open watching the children so she could go shopping.) She and the kids spend Saturday nights at her father's house.
At the outset of the separation I spent considerable time trying to get her to talk with me; I pursued, begged, pleaded, sent e-mails and texts, said "I love you," etc. None of these efforts were productive in the least. Since encountering DB (this week), I can see why and, as a result, I have backed off and am giving her space.
Since the separation I have been seeing a counselor and working on myself and my issues. I have been reading books and getting rid of a lot of clutter--both physical (an issue in the marriage) and emotional--that I let build up in my life. I believe I am making progress (my W has said that she can see my progress and the progress I am making as a parent--she says she has no longer has worries about me as a parent). Unfortunately for me (because I want the marriage to work), she has also told me that she does not believe that my changes make any difference for our marriage. She has told me that she does not hate me and is not angry at me and does not want to keep the children from me but that she does not want to take the "risk" of getting back together to make another go of our marriage. She says she has tried many times in the past and that each effort failed and that there is no point in trying again; in addition, she said she feels "free" from the weight of the relationship now.
We are scheduled to attend an "out-of-court" D seminar in mid-December. The group putting on the event is a legal-religious organization that attempts to have couples put their children first when working out their differences using D coaches and lawyers committed to a collaborative process. I believe my W is waiting to obtain the information from this event before making her next (legal) move.
There is a lot more background, e.g., emotional interactions outside the M, home renovation project, etc., but that is where the M stands in a nutshell.
The prosepct of losing my W and family is devastating and has hit me like "a ton of bricks." My previously-closed eyes are wide-open to my shortcomings and the role that I played in bringing our M to this point. Although painful, this knowledge has motivated me to work on myself, which I know and can see is incredibly necessary and benefical. Still, my heart is sick and my stomach is in knots every day. Being hopeful and patient is incredibly challenging, especially when a person has no idea how a situation will play out. I want so much for to reunify with my wife and family. Any thoughts from other members of the forum are welcome and would be appreciated greatly.
