Need HOPE & Advice

[PERSEVERANCE]

Hi BM,
Thanks for the reply-I'll check out BPD. I have appts sched'd for my return...I'm sure that they will help me to figure it out too. The email is tough...Maybe I'm making more of a deal out of it than I should- just being hopeful I guess. Rec'd another email- all dry/business about car repairs etc, nothing personal at all...no warm n fuzzies. I read some of your posts. How are you n family doing? I guess all we can do is face in the right direction & keep putting one foot in front of the next. I read a Chinese proverb "fall seven times- get up eight" Thanks again for your input.

[PERSEVERANCE]

Any more feedback? Her last email was very business-like (not mean...just not as warm as the last( car repairs etc). Is there any way to delay the visit to the attorney/mediator without causing friction. I haven't brought up anything about R or MC since she dropped the Dbomb on me. Can't wait to get out of Afghanistan....very soon I'll be home. I've planned some great things to do with my kids...and starting snowboarding and yoga. Should I casually invite my wife to anything, or just wait for her? Her ic seems to be pro-divorce... How Can I be firm about protecting myself during this mediation without coming off as being antagonistic? Guess all I can really do is gal n 180.

[PERSEVERANCE]

Can't wait- coming home soon. Working on 180...I keep a notebook with me all of the time, have my IC appts sched'd & looking forward to my GAL plans (yoga,snowboarding w/ the kids...maybe a marathon in the spring.
*I have a question about my 180- I want my wife to feel more validated and respected....but I don't want to appear to pursue her. I don't want to chase her away or make her uncomfortable. Any suggestions? I guess I just need to test the waters, watch her reations, listen & see her body language. She has noticed a change in my attitude... I'm working on being more patient, outgoing, optimistic,slow to anger... & thinking about what I say BEFORE I say it. Can't wait to read the book/ need to wait 'til I get home- unable to have them sent to me here since I'll be traveling around alot soon....4 countries/ within 3 weeks

[PERSEVERANCE]

I really want my wife to feel more validated and respected....but I don't want to appear to pursue her. I don't want to chase her away or make her uncomfortable. Any suggestions?

I keep re-reading the email from my wife..."You sound much healthier emotionally and mentally and it makes me happier than you could ever know" She ended the email with Love... which is something I haven't seen in a while.Yup, I'm over analying it...just hanging on to hope.

Our emails since then have been pretty friendly,brief- mostly business (cars,kids,house)...no "Love" or "R" talk. She hasn't brought up the D or L topic, although I'm sure she hasn't changed her mind...especially since her IC seems pro-divorce.

I'll call Thursday & wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving. I should be home from Afghanistan in a couple of weeks. Sounds like my W is planning a small party when I return. The gesture is very sweet. Nobody knows that we are having M problems, so hopefully being around other couples etc doesn't make her feel strange... Could this be an "olive branch"... Again, wishful thinking/ Hoping.
I'll continue with my self-improvement & GAL plans. Lonely & sad being away from them for T-giving...at least I should be home for Christmas.
Happy Thanksgiving Everyone & I wish everyone peace and happiness.

[PERSEVERANCE]

Anything? Words of wisdom about my sitch, joke... maybe an MRE recipe? ... Kidding about the recipe- I'm at a tiny forward base in A-stan...& a well-known chef from NYC actually flew out here w/ turkeys and will prepare & spend Thanksgiving with us in the "sandbox"... There are good people in the world!

[CO1978]

Wish I could tell you some word of encouragement, been following your sitch. I am new at DB, so I am clueless. Its so hard to know whats going on in someone's head when you are deployed, I know I was there. I remember my high school sweet heart breaking my heart on christmas day when I called her from italy, only for 3 days later to be sent to the Persian Gulf. After that I tried to stay away from relationships while I was in the military (was infantry active duty 7 years). I've seen so many dear johns in my day, I do know some guys worked things out and some didn't. Pretty sure none of them had DB coaches and forums for support tho, so you are already ahead of the odds. Remain positve and keep up with the 180 and have a Happy Thanksgiving!

[PERSEVERANCE]

I'm just trying to stay up-beat & positive (part of my 180). I'll be home very soon! I feel that this whole experience may have happened for a greater purpose... Still heart-broken, but I WILL be a better person & hopefully walk away from this with a stronger marriage and a better relationship with my wife. Better than the past 17yrs...Just want an opportunity to show her. have a great turkey-day..keep the faith!

[PERSEVERANCE]

I'm still waiting for the books... Curious, what is the last resort technique and when is it used?
I really want my wife to feel more validated and respected....but I don't want to appear to pursue her. I don't want to chase her away or make her uncomfortable. Any suggestions?

I keep re-reading the email from my wife..."You sound much healthier emotionally and mentally and it makes me happier than you could ever know" She ended the email with Love... which is something I haven't seen in a while.Yup, I'm over analying it...just hanging on to hope.

[Valeska19]

Pers,
The last resort technique is exactly what it sounds like.. last resort. It involves going "off the grid" to see if your spouse misses you.

I'm not sure you are to that point. I don't know how long you have been away from your family, but when I have spoken to my military g/f's... space is not really something they are wanting from their husbands.. too much space has kinda been the problem.


As for wanting her to feel validated and respected.. those are great goals. How about you tweak it a little to say...

"I want to respect and validate my w"

The reason I say this is because

1) These goals take time and alot of hard work on your part. I'm not talking days or weeks.. I'm talking months.. so bear down and prepare for the long battle ahead.

2) You haven't read the books yet, but DBing is actually about saving OURSELVES first.. then hopefully our marriage... so you want to work on validation and respect. If you work on it for her.. the change will be half-hearted. If you work on it for you.. she will benefit as will any other relationship in your life... for the rest of your life. Quite the difference.

3) Your w will have a ton of different reactions to your changes. While she is fearful she may lash out, cry, ignore you, cling to you, test you... it's quite the rollercoaster. You just have to be consistent... and remembering that you are doing it to be a better husband than to make her feel a certain way... will make the rollercoaster more bearable

There will be times when her perspective of you "validating and respecting" her differs from yours. In my experience - this has come much later... and it's okay that it happens. You get to a point where you know in your heart that the changes are true and trust your changes. That's when the awesomeness of DBing really starts setting in.

And there will be a moment in her life where she can chose to believe you or stay in fear forever.

IMVHO - the only way you make it through all of it.. is if you heart has genuinely changed to being that person.

So if you want to do it, and I believe you do, just do it. There are so many ways to show respect. There are so many ways to validate a person's feelings.

You asked for suggestions - here are mine
With everything you do w/ her.. ask yourself.. "am I truly respecting my wife with this comment, this decision, this action, etc."

Validating is alot of listening - when she she wants to argue and tell you how she feels... shut up and listen. Fight the need to defend yourself. Find the need to "be right".

She is giving you information - although not in the best way - listen to her! If your not sure what she is saying - repeat her to make sure you understood. Three awesome words to start using.. "That makes sense".

No one is every 100% right or 100% wrong. We each are entitled to our own feelings and perspectives. People always get caught up with self "What about how I feel.. what about my pain, my wants".. why should I keep giving when I'm not getting anything back in return".

That makes sense.. but let me ask you... how did being selfish work out for you?

What I have been learning is that if you listen to them, they are more likely listen to you. If you validate them, they validate you.

If you give love, you will receive love. It does not happen overnight.. and it may never happen the way you want it to.. but I believe it does happen in some form.

Good luck!

[PERSEVERANCE]

Thanks V. Great advice... "That makes sense". Regarding the LRT, I pray it will never get to that point. Separation is tough... I'm in the Reserves/Guard....So, normally I'm home all of the time w/ my family, but the last few years have been crazy with deployments etc. Part of my 180 has been to calm down, be slow to anger, be optimistic & more outgoing. This merges well with my GAL when I get home ( signed up for yoga & learning to snowboard). I've completed backed off of the R talk. I have appts w/ IC- behavioral health... not sure, but I may need meds for anxiety/depression.***Should I test the waters & invite my W to yoga...or just keep these GAL activities for myself. We used to go to the gym together every night... Should I go by myself, or ask if we can go together. She promised to put off the D talk until after New years. I'll be home right before Christmas, I found out that she is planning a small "coming home- holiday party" ... I was thinking that would be a great opportunity to show people that I'm becoming more optimistic, out-going & less angry. I'm pretty sure that my W could be considered a potential WAW...she tried to help me...I was in a different place emotionally/mentally at the time & it took the D word to shake my world and motivate me to change. I know that I will make lasting changes to improve myself.... I just hope its not to late to keep my family together. I love and adore them so much.I truly believe that God gave this burden to me to cause positive changes in myself. Rambling again... Home next month yahoo! THANKS EVERYONE! I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WOULD DO WITHOUT ALL OF YOU.