Is it possible no DB tool can save my marriage?

[Accuray]

Wow COG, there is a lot there. Why does your wife believe that only a PA would break your vows? Did you discuss *that*? That's a pretty big assumption that you two should probably agree on.

Of course it's OK to have friends of the opposite gender -- provided they stay friends and don't become "partners".

My DB coach recommended having a "contract" between the two of you that would specify in detail where the line is drawn. The agreement is that if you feel you are getting close to the line, you immediately divulge that to your spouse (both ways). The point here is to recognize that it's natural to be attracted to other people over the course of your lifetime -- there's really nothing wrong with that. It's what you *do* when that starts to happen that makes the difference. The general advice is (1) to introduce the person to your spouse so they can see you together and put a face to a name, that may be enough to cool things off, and (2) don't put yourself in a position to be tempted.

Here is some good stuff from Pat Love:

"Fifty percent of women, 55% of men had their first affairs with a co-worker" (That's 50% of women who had affairs, not 50% of all women!)

"People don't usually decide, they *slide* into infidelity -- and the slippery slope often begins with two innocent acquaintances confiding in one another."

"We're just friends.

-- People bond around confidences; a close personal bond forms before you know it.
-- There is a fine line between friendship and partnership
-- Men in particular bond through shared activities, work is a hotbed of shared activities.
-- Infatuation begins with close personal contact; it is also a drive -- you crave more.
-- Once you become infatuated, your thinking becomes distorted.

Signs that your relationship is getting too deep:

-- Thinking about this person gives you pleasure.
-- Thinking about this person in more positive ways than your partner at home
-- Taking on a new and improved attitude about work
-- Enjoy coming up with thoughtful non-work related activities to share.
-- Would not want partner to know how you feel about this person.
-- When something good happens, this is the first person you want to tell
-- You would not want your partner to read your emails or hear your conversations
-- Believe this person understands you better than your partner
-- Think about this person when you are not at work
-- Have personal contact outside of work
-- Find ways to spend more time together at work
-- Nicer to this person than to your spouse at home
-- Find ways to please this person
-- Make an effort to remember personal details
-- Resist telling your partner the full story about your relationship
-- Edit what you tell your partner
-- At some level you feel guilty about the relationship
-- Would not want to give up or even think about giving up this relationship."

(All from www.patlove.com)

She goes on to recommend the following if you or your spouse find yourselves tempted:

-- Tell your spouse about this individual and your feelings
-- Arrange for your spouse to meet this individual
-- If you are engaged in activities with this individual, bring your spouse along also
-- Be honest about the attraction and recommit to your primary relationship.

If you read the first list above, none of that stuff is PA. I don't know what was in your vows, but if you had a section about "forsaking all others" or "putting your spouse above all others", then the list above would definitely break that part.

I would discuss your mutual understanding of your vows with your W and try to reach a bilateral agreement.

--Accuray