Where to next?

[mishka422]

An early Happy Thanksgiving to you all! I hope you fill it with warmth and love.

This has been a very hard week for me. A few things have happened that just really got to me and I can't decide why they hurt so much or why I let them get to me in the first place. There is a real possibility that my mental state has slipped FAR back to a dark place. It's not good.

The other night the TV was on and there was a commercial for Golden Corral saying they were having Thanksgiving dinner and breakfast on Black Friday. Gabe said, "Hey, that sounds like a good idea. Would it be ok if I just went there?" That stabbed me like a knife in the heart. He would rather go to a restaurant and have Thanksgiving dinner by himself that come and have dinner with me and my family? Why? It just really hurt and I didn't say anything about it because I was afraid I was going to break down if I did. Later that night, after I had taken melatonin and was nearly asleep my subconscious got the better of me and I spouted out, "You really want to go to Golden Corral for Thanksgiving?" I think I got teary eyed too but I was half asleep so all my walls were down. He looked surprised and said, "You actually thought I was serious about that?" Well, he sounded serious! So, my bad for not clarifying at the time but I was afraid of the answer.

Second, my cousin and I always get together the week before any holiday and make a menu and then figure out who is making what. This year she didn't call me about getting together so I sent her a text asking here when would be good. Apparently I've been replaced by another family member this year. They got together and made the menu and didn't even include me on the list of what to bring. She told me to come up with whatever I wanted to bring and told me what they already had. The one thing in this world I'm actually good at I've been replaced in. That hurt horribly. I know, it's stupid. I'm sure they just did it because they know how broke I am and didn't want me to feel obligated, but this is something I enjoy doing and they know that. It just feels like they are pushing me out of the family holiday. This has put me back into some bad places from my childhood. I was the second to the youngest grandchild on my mom's side of the family. I have 16 first cousins on that side, and we were together all the time. The problem is that there is a 10 year gap between me and my next oldest cousin. Because of that I've always felt like the unwanted pain in the butt little cousin who was just an annoyance. That had gone away once I finally got into my late teens, they accepted me as 'one of them'. Now, it's starting to feel like I'm they family nuicance again. It weighs heavy on my heart and I just want to crawl into a blanket and stay on my couch and not participate on anything. Crud! Just typing all of this out is making me cry but I really feel like I need to dump it to get past it.

Lastly, my BFF since we were 16 years old has been MIA. I've called, texted, sent emails and she isn't responding. I know she's busy but it's been over 2 weeks since we last spoke and that was for less than 2 minutes and she said she'd call me back and never has. It's very rare for us not to talk at least for a few minutes every week. My mind keeps racing wondering what I did or said that has pissed her off or if she is just tired of me. Heck, I'm tired of me. The last several times we've talked I just listened to her and made suggestions and comments. I tell her I'm fine and just plugging along - nothing to report. She's heard all my stupid nonsense before - she doesn't need to hear it all again. Nothing has changed so why rehash it?

So sorry this is so long, if you read this far...I'm sorry. Just trying to dump some of this out of my head and move on from it. It's felt like I'm circling the toilet bowl for the last week.