Mr. Bond, you are not entirely off base in your "take it with a grain of salt"...at least, not according to my IC. She has been trying for ages to give my W some responsibility for our relationship. To not take everything she says personally, to recognize that she sometimes has bad days and they are not always my fault.
Ironically, Gabbysmom, that is one of the things I need to do in order to LISTEN to her. Let me explain. My default mode, when W gets angry or upset, is to assume that I must have done something wrong. I react by feeling guilty or defensive (or, most often, both, which actually end up being the same thing). Both of these stances place my focus squarely on myself, and keep me from focusing on W, and what she is feeling.
So, in essence, Mr. Bond and Gabbysmom, you are both right.
Work has been crazy the last couple of days, so I haven't typed anything for a while. But I know now that I need to enter something in here every day that I can (every day would be a good goal). As I said last time I was a regular poster, this is really my journal, and I learn a lot about myself discussing here.
Things are pretty quiet on the home front right now. Poor W has been sick a lot (ever heard of late onset morning sickness? It stinks), and too tired to talk much. We are just casually passing each other and only talking about superficial things. But that's not bad. It gives me a chance to process what we have been talking about, and takes some of the strain of relationship conflict off me, so I can actually work on some things rather than being paralyzed by stress.
Of course, these relationship problems have been present on and off throughout our marriage, and now some of the things she has said in the past are coming back into my mind. Wheels are starting to turn and I see little flashes of insight. I remember a couple of years ago, W told me that she had fallen in love with a man who looked like me in the late 90s, a man who was considerate, sensitive, thoughtful and a good listener, but that when she married him, he left and I took his place. I can't say how long I've puzzled and tried to start acting like that man again. Of course I want to be that man! Not only are those all qualities I really liked about myself, but let's face it, isn't it natural to want someone to be madly in love with you? Doesn't a husband naturally want to be his wife's dream man?
Back in those days, I had very few responsibilities, and the only thing I had to pay attention to, the only thing that mattered, was to be everything I could be to that woman I loved. What a rush it was to know that I could mean that much to someone I cared for so much, that I could give so much. I think what happened was that when I suddenly had responsibilities, I suddenly had to squeeze more out of my time, I had to push myself harder, I was always looking over my shoulder for fear I had missed something or wasn't doing things right. And honestly, I usually wasn't. Being the go-to guy did not come easily for me, and it has only been in the last few years that I have finally been able to provide decently for my family. W is doing the bills, because I have a hard time organizing and being consistent with that kind of a schedule, and W used to work in a bank and excels in those things. But I became obsessed with trying to become a more responsible person. I forgot what it felt like to be that person who only cared about people, not about things. And even though I know that I need to care about things (like paychecks, home repairs, etc.), I think I would be the man she fell in love with if I could have times - moments - when I went back to only caring about people - only caring about her, for the moment.
The other day, I had a moment when I actually remembered what it felt like to be that other man. The guy who listened, and valued what was going on between us. It seems trite to try to put it into words, but believe me, it is nothing small. Recalling what it was like to have that as a part of myself, and to feel good about it. It's something that comes across as feigned when I "try to be sensitive." I don't know if anyone reading this will understand, or if I am just journaling for my own benefit.
Well, I have to get back to work, now. Take care, everyone.
Think about it...if you met a potential mate who was nothing but a bundle of needs, would YOU be attracted to them?
