Finally confronted H on affair...Now what????

[keep_going]

I really wanted to let this issue re. OW and the kids go. H sent me an email yesterday re. the holidays with three options and asking for my choice / opinions.

I responded and when he didn't like my answer, he started trying to convince me. With each email, he asked for my response and feedback. In some, he was even attacking me - he accused me of being judgemental when I told him I didn't want to lie to the kids.
He thought I was yelling and being abusive cause I used some all caps. (I know a lot of people use them to yell, but also a lot, like me, use them to emphasize points. I told him so and I know we have gone thru this before. He didn't believe me, yet again and I found myself defending myself.

I also tried to defuse - validating and saying I was sorry for how he felt and how I would do things differently if I could start over.

A couple of comments I let go to avoid yet more conflict and he came back saying I was ignoring important points and asking that I acknowledge them.

I wanted him to feel like I was open, in a dialogue and validating him, without getting into an argument. I think we must have exchanged about 6 emails, which is exactly what I wanted to avoid.

Why would he want to go over this issue again? He already knew how I felt about exposing kids to OW, and he had already gone ahead and done it. My goal was to simply state my stance and drop it. Let him make his decision about the holidays without feeling that I was in the middle or trying to control.

I don't know if it's his guilt, insecurity or need for validation, but he does this. When he knows there is something I don't agree on (and it's always related to OW. How could he expect that I would agree to anything related to her???), he always keeps trying to convince me to agree.

I hate being in that position. Either way I lose. If I try not to get engaged, he accuses me of ignoring him, and not validating and respecting him (an issue in our marriage). If I try to, he reels me in into his arguments hoping to convince me and we end up nowhere, because I simply cannot agree to his R and actions re. OW...

How should I approach this... I feel so helpless and I know it will continue coming up.

How should I reply to his voicemail message? He wants an answer, he asks that I don't ignore him and to resolve this (yet is just willing to hear one answer...)

It's so hard for me to do this - I just don't know how. I feel like every time I make any progress and we are friendly and getting along, he then wants me to become part of his fantasy, where I am ok with his actions... And then he gets upset if I don't and we get farther, which makes him justify in his actions even more...

any ideas?