This morning I woke up to the realization that I just need to vanish for awhile. I think I have done this for the most part since she moved out almost two weeks ago. It is hard to do because I always want to text and ask how my son is doing - the time away from him is brutal. Regardless, I am beginning to believe that even that communication should be limited and I should leave her with her time with him.
Last weekend I bought one of those backpacks that you can put a baby in a hike with. I took my son out for about three miles and he loved it. When I told my wife via text, she asked if she could borrow it to take him on a hike, too. My initial reaction was "no, this is something for me and him". However, I am starting to realized that if the road to back needs to be paved with goodwill and change, then a lot of my initial reactions are not the best idea. Hence, I cheerfully loaded it into her car for her last night when we did the exchange.
When she moved out, she only took a twin bed. She has put rails on it and now the baby sleeps in it. When I asked her what she was sleeping in at her new place she reluctantly admitted a sleeping bag on the floor. Knowing that she is depressed, under-weight (95-108 lbs as opposed to usual of 125 at 5'7") and sleeping on the floor was too much for me to take. I bought her a matress and box spring set. I made it VERY clear that it was NOT a "baby come back" gift and that there were no strings, expectations or obligations on her part. She was appreciative - and I have no expectations at all of that one act changing her mind. I simply just couldn't live with myself knowing that she was living in those conditions. It was hard considering she is the one that left, but I feel in my heart it was the right thing to do. Again, my initial reaction was "you made this choice, suffer on the floor" - but as I said, I am learning a lot of my initial reactions are not the best ones.
During the exchange last night, it felt as though she couldn't really look me in the eye. Though perhaps a lot of that was due to the fact that she was focused on the baby. She was verbal, but not overly so - and I was sure to cut things short and not linger.
She tearfully said once that she "was not looking forward to being a 38 year old divorced single mom starting over". It makes me wonder where her head is right now. What could she be thinking about her new living situation and the loss of time with our son? Does she even miss me? Is she having second thoughts? Thus far she really hasn't asked how I'm doing or anything - not do I expect it anytime soon at all. I guess I just wonder if she is thinking that this life is better than a life with me and our son together and will she always think that it is?
Sorry, feels like I went a lot of places with this post.
