To clarify, I am not trying to "fix" my wife. We are all well aware that the only person we can fix is ourselves. Other people are responsible for "fixing" themselves vice versely. So there is not any misconception in my mind about that. As for the comparison....yes it is unrealistic to make such comparisons yet the scars of years of this behavior are uncovered by the reality of it.
Time- We use it productively and do things together as a couple and as a family. The twist I might be missing is that at the moment I have to much time as my businesses have once again slowed up to nothing....so I have excessive time on my hands. I do keep busy, but there is only so much busy to do in a day...LOL.
Communication-We have always maintained a decent level of communication and now it is even better on both sides of the ball. We talk a lot...and it is productive communication with good listening and hearing. The days of one or the other of us getting defensive and argumentative are gone.
As for the passive aggressive sullenness....yes I am guilty of that in the past. There is no doubt in that. In my rebuilding process that was one area that I did focus some mental rebuilding. I made the decision that I wouldn't passive aggressively "beg" for intimacy anymore. So I don't do it anymore....as Jack said, that is definitely not an attractive trait.
AS for the pursuing...my wife was the pursuer. Actually to the point that she asked me to marry her. That said, as our sex life's diminished I became the pursuer more and more. To the point she has noted in the past that I was "to easy". In my opinion it feels almost like my wife enjoys the pursuit more than being pursued. I think that heightened the "affair" euphoric high for her in that she was pursuing something that wasn't hers.
As for communicating about sex....that was a hard topic to discuss before and it is now harder. My wife has noted that the third affair made her feel very used sexually and nothing more than an object. When we discussed this she noted that she would love it if I initiated things, but at the same time when I do it sends shivers up her spine and she becomes extremely uncomfortable. So in essence derailing any thoughts I might have had because of the affects her past is having on her present. So that is a hurdle for her to work on.....at the same time I think it brings a hurdle up for me to jump. I have been here before (between 2 and 3) working on the other parts of our marriage while waiting to see if this part would reemerge. Then it never reemerged. Then another affair manifested itself.
So maybe it is fear that is driving my resentment at the moment. That I have been here before and things regressed in my opinion instead of moving forward.
