Finally confronted H on affair...Now what????

[keep_going]

Tuesday PM - I need some advice from the wise DBers...

I have been doing so well lately with H but today I faced a HUGE challenge with my DBing progress.

He sent me an email about Thanksgiving schedule... OW is coming down, and he wants kids to spend the night with them. He already knows I don't agree.

In his email today, he offered 3 options for how to deal with it. I am quoting him here:

"1. She can sleep in the other bedroom and I won't tell the kids that she's there. She can say goodbye and leave for a little bit when I put the kids to bed and then "arrive at the door" the next morning and the kids won't know she spent the night. As always, I'll crash with the girls and the baby in my room so they get to snuggle up with me.
2. I can find OW a hotel to go to, but this is an extra cost and it's not a nice thing to say to a guest. She would be understanding though if that's what you wanted.
3. The girls sleep at your house all those nights and I take the baby and then pick them up in the mornings, which is also a pain in the aXX because then we'd have to shuttle them around a lot. I don't know if you have plans, but if you do have any specific plans, I guess I can stay with the kids at your house after I put them to bed."

We exchanged a series of emails after that.
As a summary, my reply was:
- I don't agree with option #1, I don't want to lie to my kids. At one point he said "If they're not going to know that she spent the night, why does it matter?" I don't think it's ok to lie as long as you don't get caught and I told him so.
- I also don't agree with #3, because we would have no good answer for the girls explaining why the baby stayed with daddy and they didn't and i also don't want to make distinctions with my children.
- So I told him we should go with option #2 - have OW stay in a hotel. But then H retracted saying he didn't want to do this and spent several emails trying to support his arguments and convince me.

I want to point out that in all the exchanges, we were both very civil and open with the other. I tried to show a lot of DB - validating, listening and being kind and he was doing the same.

In my final email, I was also kind in validating and made sure he knew I was listening to all his arguments and points. And at the end of the email I simply stated my stand and tried to end the conversation, since I felt we were starting to go in circles about it:

" H, You initially suggested getting the hotel room, she is ok with it and I am ok with it, so I thought we were set.
I think I have expressed my view on this whole situation very clearly from the beginning and I don't really want to keep re-hashing it, because we are not going to agree.
Bottom line is I am not ok with exposing our kids to your relationship at this time, much less have them spend the night with her. That is where I stand and I know you don't agree. You are your own person and in the end, you will do what you think you need to do. I have no control over it.
Thanks for taking the time and making the effort to be more open and discuss things with me. I am trying the same and I hope that it shows."

--

I know he will expose them and have them spend the night. But I wanted to make it clear that I don't agree with it in a non-judgemental way and I hope I didn't blow it.

Two hrs. later, H called and I let it go to voicemail.
(I want to mention that in one of his earlier emails today he mentioned he didn't want to deal with this issue in person for fear I would get angry and that is why he sent emails. When he mentioned this, I responded saying I was sorry he felt fearful of my reaction and understood why he felt that way based on my past actions. I told him if I could start over, I would do things differently and that I am working on changing my approach with him so we won't fear my reactions in the future.)

He sounded nervous in his message. He repeated that he wants to have OW stay with him and as well as the baby, and have the girls sleep with me. The hotel idea is no longer an option for him (even though he suggested it). He wants to resolve this issue and finalize pick-up drop off arrangements. He asked for my opinion on this again and that I respond soon.

He is putting this back on me and I don't want to be the one to make the decision for him and get him off the hook. I was very clear on why I didn't agree with this option. Yet, unless I respond favorably, he will start yet another email with arguments to try to convince me. Bottom line is he wants my blessing to appease his guilt and I don't want to give it to him, cause I simply do not agree with this.

Is it that wrong to stand my ground on this? I fear the answer - that this stance is probably not good DBing...

I think I am also upset that H is not man enough to just do whatever he wants w/o putting it back on me...We both know what the outcome will be, he will do whatever he wants, so why pressure me? Is that just to appease his guilt? Find validation from me? If so, for what? What does he care?

I have not responded and don't know how I should. I DON'T want to argue. I want to do the right thing...

Any help will be appreciated.

thanks!