Wow david -- almost the same amount of time as me!! Thank you so much for stopping by my thread. Yes, having it right there all the time is too much for me emotionally. She texts for hours and hours to OW every night. I finally a while back started leaving the room, and going to my bed just to be away from it.
Hearing those words -- "I'm done" or whatever incarnation the WAS puts them in really do make one feel as if the soul is dead. There have been times I was so low that I found peace by thinking of ways to commit suicide painlessly....(NO, I am NOT at all thinking of actually doing this --- the thing that keeps me grounded and absolutely not serious about it is S needs me-- so no worries from any of you---just keeping it real here.)
I've had good days, I had a couple of great days, and I have terrible days. I keep trying to keep a PMA -- and one thing that also keeps me going is what you also said--- I'm out of my rut and I'm much more aware of how I act, the type of person I am, my character,etc....
You keep moving forward too, man. We'll see each other on the other side, no matter how the M's resolve or don't resolve.
Me (f): 45 W(f) 35 T: 13 y C: S4 adopted at birth 6-18-11 bomb: I want to break up 8-28-11 OW confirmed
I'll post more on a later post of yours, or reply better, but this post stuck out to me as one of your bigger backslides.
Enough IS. You are a smarter woman than this. At least make NEW mistakes. The endless pursuit is NOT working and your hyper emoting isn't working so now you FIGHT in front of s4?
This is ALL a matter of choice now. YES it is. You can choose to see this as a healthy version of yourself. The woman you were when you met W is the real you.
You'd shake your head at this version of yourself and say, "Hey self, snap out of it! You can do better than this chick is giving out, and you damn well deserve better. THIS behavior is NOT worth missing...so good riddance to it."
Originally Posted By: In_Shock
So glad to have the MR BOND in the house ----WOO WOO!!
Thanks for coming by. I appreciate it. She is engaged with S sometimes.... Her MOM told me last week that she was upset because since W has met OW, she has put S on back burner. This is one thing MIL and I agree on totally. S should be first regardless.....
I did screw up again tonight and let her engage me in a very very nasty argument in front of S. I felt SOOOOOOOO terrible. I need to shut my f'n mouth --- NEVER NEVER NEVER argue in front of him. I feel SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO terrible about that. Poor little dude. He is my world, and now my guilt is even worse.
W is on her own 'trip' and i'm not invited. I've got to remember that MOMENT by MOMENT. It's all about S and me now. YES IT IS....Absolutely NO MORE R TALK AND NO MORE FUTURE TALK...and while I"m mentioning this, the deal with her spending the night at OWs on the 29th, wasn't so weird to me since we all know they've been together.
I think it's that she told you the truth, which you interpreted as an insult.
But would lying to you have been better? To HER, what choice did she have in her WAW mind?
I love W, but i have to try try try to get back to that detached place where i had a really good week.
Yes you now know detachment is possible. You got a glimpse of it.
She cried tonight..... I guess that means something is still there emotionally. But who knows????????????????????? [color:#CC0000] Means NOTHING about you --- as far as we know. You are AGAIN upping the epectations right after admitting you must detach.
No mind reading. NO expecting anything from her...not now and maybe not for a long time...maybe not ever.
All we "KNOW" is that the odds of her returning to you, are HIGHER if you detach...this is a no brainer.
Get a grip.
[/color]
I love her, but not this person who is out with OW and has abandoned our vows....I want a new M with W.
For all my many many many faults, I love her very much. I want to improve myself for me. If W doesn't want me... I need to get to the place where i can be ok with that. the soooner you get yourself there (and NO ONE else on this planet can, so ask HIM to help or do it yourself but get there)
Remember, I'm still a relative newbie--- I'm learning and getting the sh@@t kicked out of me regularly.
Thanks again Bond. Come back. I like your style
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I'm one of those who thinks, given the givens, that you need to get out of the same house. So yeah, it's good she's leaving.
Um I hate to beat you on the head for this, but to be clear to ME and if it is, then for you in the future to SEE....
If you adopt again, do it in a place where YOU have real parental rights (NOT saying you'll lose in court b/c the best interests of the child OUGHT to get you some visitation...maybe see a gay advocate L if need be--definitely you need a specialist)
and you live in a home for which you pay half, or more?? ANd you are not on the deed...??
is this correct? IF SO, then I won't belabor it. I'll just say, "not again", okay?
Originally Posted By: In_Shock
Yes, having it right there all the time is too much for me emotionally. She texts for hours and hours to OW every night. I finally a while back started leaving the room, and going to my bed just to be away from it. YES that's how it has to be for now. You have to retreat...it'll be easier when she's gone. She has nothing to miss with you there all the time.
The comment about OW's being less attractive or less intelligent than you, was the least attractive least intelligent thing you have said.
IS, I don't mean to hand you all these 2 x 4's at once, but you are repeating the errors and you asked for it, so knock that off. You are far too smart for that.
It speaks for itself. You only have what, 6 weeks left with her? That's 45 days or so...make them count. Each one day that passes without a talk about ANYTHING other than son, is out, unless it's a topic THAT SHE initiates, and IF she brings up the r, VEER OFF...there's no way it'll be a "good" talk. She'll simply rub it in more in the hopes that you don't get your hopes up and that's why she insists there is NO future and she is DONE DONE DONE....
so you are NOT to have any R talks. If you actually believe that it would prevent her from reconciling and therefore YOU must engage in an R talk, then I want to reach thru this computer and scream...
She knows how to reach you...trust me, she also knows how you feel.
What she does NOT know is how well you are going to handle things. She does not know that you will GAL and meet new people who are interested in YOU as a partner...
and she does not know that OW won't solve her issues. ALL r's take work. ALL r's get stale with time unless great effort is made to keep it fresh.
And s will miss you even if he also learns to love OW...which brings me to another sore point that must NOT be sore for you.
When I went back to work after giving birth to our first child, I worried about what that would do to him, and to our r. I worried about the day care provider. His first one cared for him a lot and cried when we moved. Then we got another one, a woman who cared for our son from age 13 months to age 4 1/2....and our d from 6 weeks to 2...her name was Shirley.
She loved our children. Truly she did. And they loved her. They still stay in touch at least annually. (One of her own sons died in a car crash so it's extra nice that she has our kids who remember her so well.)
Here was my take on it then, and what I hope your take on it will be.
Shirley was an additional affirming source of love and validation for our son. She did not "replace" me anymore than an inspiring teacher would. She was good for our children and we're lucky we had her.
If OW is half the woman you are, then s will be safe in her company. Maybe he'll think she's fun or pleasant or warm...though I fear they will lack that "effortless wordless emotional connection" b/c kids do like words...
(Kidding...don't freak!)
You will always be Mom/Mary or whatever the nickname is...don't fear OW's role in his life or you'll only highlight it. Focus on YOUR R WITH HIM...and only yours.
I think time is on your side in this...if you want it to be.
Til she's in the same place as OW for awhile, she won't know that OW farts or can't name a leader of either of the countries we're at war with...or the leader of France or Germany for that matter...or Spain or who just left Italy? Okay I'll stop...point made, right?
Hearing those words -- "I'm done" or whatever incarnation the WAS puts them in really do make one feel as if the soul is dead.
STOP THINKING THIS WAY...HAVE YOU EVER HEARD THE MANTRA HERE?? [i]"believe nothing they say and only half of what they DO." Believe nothing... you know this! [/i] she'll be gone soon. Yes that's likely. But who cares what she tells you Now?
Why are you even having conversations that give her the chance to say these things?
AVOID THESE "TALKS" THAT NEVER EVER EVER GO WELL...
I'd look at her like she's goofy and stupid for repeating herself so often--who is she trying to convince????
Say "yeah w, I heard you the first 3745 times you said it....I'm NOT confused."
There have been times I was so low that I found peace by thinking of ways to commit suicide painlessly....(NO, I am NOT at all thinking of actually doing this --- the thing that keeps me grounded and absolutely not serious about it is S needs me-- so no worries from any of you---just keeping it real here.) Thank God for kids...
I've had good days, I had a couple of great days, and I have terrible days. I keep trying to keep a PMA -- and one thing that also keeps me going is what you also said--- I'm out of my rut and I'm much more aware of how I act, the type of person I am, my character,etc....
You keep moving forward too, man. We'll see each other on the other side, no matter how the M's resolve or don't resolve.
YES you will. And I think your faith in.. some form of higher power ..has been re-awakened.
For that, you can and should be grateful. It's no small feat, Dare I call it a miracle?
It is Unfortunate though, it's usually very terrible painful things that get our attention, that only when we are brought to our knees, do we look UP.
Wish I could feel as grateful and close to God by finding gold or winning the lottery instead... (Hey GOD! Did you hear me? i think that winning the lottery would be a GREAT TEST for me...instead of MLCs and WASs...how about that type of test? You know, see if I'm generous and all...)
IS good luck at the L's. And the bank. If you can't keep ANY of the house see if you can get some restitution from W...she'll love that.
If not, then plan your money WELL...and plan your life well. And get to Philly asap.
Seriously...you'll get to the "other side" light years faster...
((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
IS, want to let you know I'm still praying for you. I will continue to do so as you go to bank and L, etc.
I think it was a good 180 at dinner time tonight. You know what she's doing. She is self-convincing right in front of you. She pushing your buttons. The sooner you can detach from that, the better. ((()))
A Christian couple was discussing marriage, R problems, and trying to be Christ like in their m's. They admitted how hard it could be reconciling their commitment to marriage with the challenges of every day life
AND dealing with life's curve balls too. With How hard staying married can be, how some couples give up, and some couples hang in there staying married in name only, in a sad angry desparate Unhealthy way...etc ETC so REGARDING SEPARATION, they said this,
"Some couples think they separate DESPITE their love for each other...but sometimes it Can be BECAUSE of their love for each other --til they can heal themselves and their marriage..."
I meant it when I said "time is on your side" IF you want it to be. Meaning...
She may Not be the woman you were supposed to be with forever, given the original insights you had about her, and the reasons you chose her.
Perhaps the r was meant for adopting a child AND having a 13 year marriage, most of which was pretty good, If I'm not mistaken...
maybe you can try to look at this GIFT of a R, as "pretty great while it lasted. But clearly, for now it's not meant to be" All this ^^^ might very well be true!!!
And if it's not...So?
ASSUME that it's true, for You, And for purpoes of what SHE sees...how can it realistically hurt????
Think of it as a way to begin your detachment, keeping your dignity, and having a PMA -
b/c ironically, this type of approach is probably the most likely approach that helps you heal AND keeps the road home, paved and smooth.
I'm not saying it WILL bring her back. But it won't hurt your position w/her OR how she sees you when she looks back on how things ended...
you want her memories to be of you stating your case clearly and w/love, (Which you have DONE plenty!!), being there for s4, & then gracefully stepping aside...
will it work? IDK!
But we KNOW what won't work....
like the pleading won't, The "Logical critiques" of OW totally backfire, the pursuing failed,, the sad face b/c you hurt so much--NOT attractive to her , the "but OMG I love you so much!", NOT important enough to her, b/c she's justified leaving so your needs and love are insufficient...The questions like "what about s4?/How can you do this to us/me/him?" ---ALL DO NOT WORK.
My DB coach advised me Not to begin questions that were designed to make h defensive (even if it wasn't my conscious intent to do so)...such as questions starting with these phrases... "How can you---?" AND OR "Why are you doing---x-?"
IF you think about it, those questions DO sort of indicate a negative attitude about whatever it is you are questioning of them,
e.g., "how can you believe this is good for the kids? WHy are you deserting us? How can you live with yourself? Why don't you admit that you are a liar? How can you just walk away/break your vows/dump your children?"
See my point?
They trigger responses that are NOT what we hope for-like ignoring us or repeating how "done" they are and rolling their eyes and telling themselves how RIGHT they are to be leaving....
They DO NOT say wake up and say "Wow, good point! What AM I DOING? I better stop being selfish and admit I"m a liar and have done so many things to hurt you all, I'll spend the rest of my life making it all up to you!"
Til my DB coach told me this, I never realized how often I used those terms in my marriage AND even in court...(and misused it...) I'm better at it now...lesson learned. Had to ask h for help for me to break the habit but that was only After we were moving towards each othr
To reiterate, with the right steps in Your own work, and detachment approach and PMA on YOUR End (and no more big backslides, or least a LOT fewer...)
TIME IS ON YOUR SIDE...
and the sooner you move forward, the sooner ANY hope of reconciliation can happen. Make sense?
((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Hello In Shock, Just stopping by to wish you a Happy Thanksgiving, enjoy the day! By this time next year we will all be farther along on our healing or hopefully reconciliation!!
m 54 XW 48 m 12 t 14 bomb 6-11 s 10-11 wife moved to other state 10-21-11 d 9-12
O GOD THY SEA IS SO GREAT AND MY BOAT IS SO SMALL!
I have to tell you as much as I didn't want H to move out it was for the best. It is so horrible living with someone who is so miserable and can't stand the sight of you. It was very tense. We are getting to a much better place now. I don't think anything has changed he still is done but it is so much better not living with him.
Are there any real plans for moving out?? Have you guys talked about custody for your S?
Stop talking about your R at all costs. It really is just pushing her away. I don't say anything to H about us and no matter what garbage he tells me I just say ok. Then I come here and freak out but he doesn't know. I keep trying to tell myself to treat him like a co worker or just someone I know that I have no emotional attachement to. It is getting easier and sometimes it is even fun to see the confused look on his face!
I'll echo Paige... living with my W right now is tough slogging. Just being around me creates stress for her and I'm being as non-pursuing, low-key, affirming as I can be. Some days are better than others and the last two have been hard, so that's my frame of reference. It's only recently that I've started thinking apart would be better...
Married 6 together 8 Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both SS12, SD10, S6 Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann) W moved out: 2/18/12 D final: 11/12/12 Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD
