Feel like I'm living the movie Groundhog Day...

[workinghardguy]

Well that was a nice touch... Got home to find that w used her day off to work on drafting our d papers via the state's online pro se website (as an aside, do we have to use the Internet to make everything easier?). Now, she did mention on Sunday during our talk that she might as well start working on the d paperwork... And in our state it takes four months minimum from filing to decree and that's the legal requirement not including court scheduling. So I'm not really shocked, just saddened. Hard to see it in print, even if it's just draft form.

I didn't react. It ate me up at first but this is where she is at and what she feels she needs to do. That applies to both the d and to working on d paperwork. You feel like such a bad person and a screw up at this point, but her actions do not reflect on me. I am still here and still willing to fight for my family. This step reflects on her. I will own my mistakes and failures but I won't own this. I don't condemn her... She is human and hurting but I also won't own it.

[jbnati]

Got home to find that w used her day off to work on drafting our d papers via the state's online pro se website.

Ahh, c'mon man! It's Thanksgiving week. Ugh!

do we have to use the Internet to make everything easier?

Disgusting, isn't it?

Hard to see it in print, even if it's just draft form.

Yes, it is. I feel your pain, having been through it myself.

I'm sorry to hear this, WHG. However, I admire your attitude. You're exactly right - this IS where she is right now and it is what she feels she needs to do. You're also right - it is not a reflection of you. I think you're in a good place on this. Stay strong, man.

[workinghardguy]

Not much to journal... the day is pretty much in the above posts. Tonight W added me to the list of people who don't see the majority of her Facebook posts. Sort of surprised it took this long actually. I don't think it's coincidence that she worked on D papers and added me to that FB list on the same day. Clearly she's organizing her mind for post-married life.

Had a board meeting tonight... went in and out of focus, kept seeing the D papers in my mind's eye. It's a step in this process. This is not over until I decide to give up. A part of me has always believed that we were going to end up apart if we were ever to get back together.

I've always believed that holding on until June is best. That every day is one more day of all of us together. I don't know about that now. Spending time with someone who doesn't want to be with you suxx. At the same time we can share such good times together, even now. Maybe I'm just smarting because I haven't seen a pull back this extreme from her in a long time. Things feel tonight like they did two months ago when this whole thing blew up.

But it is what it is. It only hurts until the pain goes away, and this too shall pass. Focus on the kids and myself. I see myself typing all these mantras that I repeat on other people's sitches, but right now they just ring sort of hollow.

So positives... let's end this on a positive. I managed to not say anything to W tonight about her budget issues or about the D papers. Boy did I want to... I wanted to text her during the meeting, I wanted to challenge her when I got home... I just wanted to talk about it, but there's no point. She's not going to change direction because of a text message or a talk or an email or anything. My mom has sort of figured out what's going on and she wants to talk to W about it. I even told her no... W is on her path, certainly a talk with the MIL won't change that, even though my W respects my mom immensely.

Ah well... I had a couple pretty good weeks there, guess I'm paying the piper for it now. Things got better before, they'll get better again. I also wonder how much of this is tied into the holidays... her needing to create even more distance moving into the holidays. To prove to herself that she can do this.

Oh well... time for bed. Hope for a better tomorrow.

[learning2listen]

hang in there.. keep saying the positive words you wrote.."this too shall pass"

you did the right thing to not discuss..I know it would be easier to stick a million needles in your eye at times, but sometimes silence is the right approach.

[NLW]

WHG, Just wanted to say you are truly an inspiration to me.

Your post helped me so much. I am at a low point at the moment, and seeing how you are coping just brought home to me the importance of keeping going.

We all know, at some level, that things will get better again. It's just a matter of hanging on.

And you are doing so well - your posts show that you are.

So keep on keeping on and know that we are all here for you.
Best,
NLW.

[workinghardguy]

Thanks guys... Wish I felt inside quite as positive as you all seem to portray me

No change this morning... still cold and removed, though part of that is her having to work this early. She's not a morning person.

Woke up with no desire to discuss the D papers or Facebook with her. I think FB might even be a test of sorts... the other day, when she deleted our FB photos, and I stupidly brought it up she mentioned that she wonders how often I check her page. So I'm not even going to mention it... and whatever, I'd notice if another friend's updates stopped routinely showing up on my feed, but I'm not going to mention it.

I realized this morning during my run that, beyond the holidays, this week is hard for my W. Her best friend is visiting before she goes away to Japan for three years. I know my W is heartbroken over that. I'm quite sure some of that emotion is pouring over into us, and I just make an easy target to channel hurt and anger towards.

I also had a little epiphany last night... my W is sort of like a teenager right now. It had to do with the FB thing. It just reminded me so much of when a teenager does something spiteful just to be spiteful. Just to push their parents away, to say "see? I don't want you". You can react as a parent and play into their hand. Or you can just take the "whatever" approach. My W may want to end our R but she can't. We have a S together, we have stepkids that see me as a dad... As much as she may want to just end our R there will always be something. It may be different, it may be less or more, but I'm going to be here like it or not. So do your petty little stuff... when I'm not feeling sorry for myself I actually find some of the little crap she does amusing.

[sayitaintso]

WHG- I would like to reiterate what NLW said, you are an inspiration to some of us struggling souls out here. You show great strength and perspective and I appreciate your thoughts. It is hard to practice what you preach even when you know what the right thing logically to do is but when these deep rooted emotions pull at us its tough.

Keep up the great work and have a wonderful Thanksgiving!!

Best!!

[Rick1963]

WHG latetly I have been really treating and thinking of my W as a room mate. It really helps and I know it confuses her. I come and go as I please. I start small talk about superficial things like the weather, the dogs etc.. It really helps. Ever since W has been informing me about her activities, like last night she told me she took today off. I just said enjoy the day. Stop feeling sorry for yourself ( I know easier said than done) but you have to. Stop focusing on her and putting her on a pedastal. Hope you make the best of Thanksgiving as you can.

[workinghardguy]

Thanks Rick. I largely took her off the pedestal a while ago I think... but not focusing on her is something I need to keep working at. It's so easy to do.

I'm in largely the same place I hope. I come and go as I want, though with three small kids in the house we do have to do a bit more coordinating with each other. We do have small talk conversations and share funny stories about the kids. Thank god for funny stories about the kids.

It just gets much harder when she enters these funks where she's negative, withdrawn, and angry. Though I just realized in another post that she may be coming off one her "high cycles" over the past two weeks which are typically followed by a week or so of "low cycle". Just have to buckle in I guess.

[workinghardguy]

So one thing I was proud of myself for this morning is not owning her feelings. My W is obviously unhappy right now, more so than usual. I found myself going right back to old behaviors. Wondering if it was something I did to make her mad. Then wondering if it wasn't me what was it that is setting her off and how can I fix whatever it is.

Then I caught myself. It's not my fault she's mad, and if it is then she needs to be a big girl and tell me so I can decide whether to change that behavior or rectify the grievance. And if it's something else... then she needs to deal with it. If she wants my help she can ask. It's not my job to save her or make sure she always feels happy.

I also thought of three more solutions to her problem of how she could find enough money to get a new place set up. You see I'm a problem-solver and pretty creative... but I'm not going to offer any of those solutions to her. That's a 180 for me... she has a problem created by her own actions, she will just have to figure out a solution to it.