Peicing and hoping I'm doing the right thing.

[FreeBird0120]

I agree with you completely OT, however I have said these things to H. He has claimed that he isn't willing to be a jerk and doesn't understand why a simple hello, how are you is a bad thing. I told him I was insecure about their R and that I couldn't trust that it wouldn't happen again. I've explained my insecurities to him, expressed that I don't know how to trust him even though I so badly want to. I've brought up the fact that she too gave him an ultimatum and that he needed to decide on one of us. He said he chose me.

I feel like saying these things again will just push him away. He has told me that they don't talk on the phone or text each other, that it is just Hi's in passing. My gut doesn't believe that, but without proof I feel like constantly bringing my insecurities up just proves to him that his efforts with me mean nothing. That the fact that he's coming home to me doesn't matter and his feelings don't matter, which are all things that he said when I brought up the texts I recently read of the sexual discussions they'd been having prior to me coming home. He said he understood that what he'd done with her was wrong but that they were just conversations. He said it was a game to see who could make the other one blush and give up. I semi believe this as quite often after their sexual discussion sessions one or the other would say "I win".

I also believe that the back rub was definitely more than that because if it were just a back rub, why wouldn't either one of them be able to get it out of their minds, and why would they discuss how much H blushed, and why would they discuss lotion on bare skin...it all makes me so sick to my stomach.

The fact remains that this is all so fresh, and I'm not going to trust him over night, and I'm not going to feel secure anytime soon and this pain is going to be with me for a really long time...and I absolutely hate every second of this!!!