So W has been in her own place for the last week. She had requested that I let her know periodically how our baby is doing while in my custody. I sent her a long text explain all that we'd been up to this weekend.
Then, earlier this morning I texted her to let her know the baby was doing fine and sleeping well. She responded that she was "glad to see I was doing all of the things she wanted us to do". I told her that I haven't watched much TV these days (which is true) and that I had been doing a lot of reading, believe it or not. She responded "I wish the change would have come sooner, but I am glad you are making the changes". I told her better late than never - and she responded "your next relationship can reap the benefits"
That last little blurb kinda set me back a bit, but I did not let on at all - I just said that I was in no rush for that right now.
So it SORTA looks like she noticed a few 180s, but still seems at arms length with her "next relationship" remark. Is this progress?? Granted - I have only been trapped in this hell for a little over two months and she's been gone only a week - I know I need patience, but what that a "reasonable" good sign??
I have no idea and need help with what to do next.
Crimson
Brought this over from your other thread.
It relates to the advice you are being given, the changes that you make are for YOU. Not to win her back.
That is a hard concept to learn but you must be happy with YOU and you really have no control over what she does.
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she responded "your next relationship can reap the benefits"
well maybe your next relationship might be with her. Keep an open mind and keep working on YOU. Be the BEST DAD that you can be. That is what is truly important.
I sent her a long text explain all that we'd been up to this weekend.
Then, earlier this morning I texted her to let her know the baby was doing fine and sleeping well. She responded that she was "glad to see I was doing all of the things she wanted us to do".
My suggestion is that whenever she makes these snide remarks, you cut back on how much you inform her of what all you and the baby does. After all, you are his father....not some stranger who has taken him. If you need her for anything, you'd contact her, but to report to her throughout the time you spend with son is not fair. I'm sure she would resent very much if you tried to turn the tables on her.
Since she made these comments, you might want to hold back initiating any futher contact until time for the child to be with her. Maybe, just maybe after a few times of seeing that she can't talk to you like that without expecting some sort of consequences, she might stop with the sarcastic statements.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
In all fairness, unless I COMPLETELY misread the context, I didn't think she was being snide. Of course, text isn't the richest media there is so a lot is lost in transmission. I kind of thought she was saying she was legitimately glad that I was out doing things with the baby that she always wanted to do. I am open to the notion that I might have had on blinders, but initially I did not think she was being snarky.
She just came to pick up the baby for the next few days. That was hard, but I was polite, positive, upbeat and helpful as I could be. That, too, was hard - because I was acting. She was too overjoyed to see the baby to really engage in conversation and certainly didn't force any. I cut things short and said "you guys have fun!" and walked back into the house.
I miss my son already, and I know she misses him too when he is with me. Every single day I wish it didn't have to be like this - but I know I am in this for the long haul. I really miss my family - the holidays are going to be brutal.
Sorry for the "Debbie Downer" conclusion - it's just hitting me hard right now.
This morning I woke up to the realization that I just need to vanish for awhile. I think I have done this for the most part since she moved out almost two weeks ago. It is hard to do because I always want to text and ask how my son is doing - the time away from him is brutal. Regardless, I am beginning to believe that even that communication should be limited and I should leave her with her time with him.
Last weekend I bought one of those backpacks that you can put a baby in a hike with. I took my son out for about three miles and he loved it. When I told my wife via text, she asked if she could borrow it to take him on a hike, too. My initial reaction was "no, this is something for me and him". However, I am starting to realized that if the road to back needs to be paved with goodwill and change, then a lot of my initial reactions are not the best idea. Hence, I cheerfully loaded it into her car for her last night when we did the exchange.
When she moved out, she only took a twin bed. She has put rails on it and now the baby sleeps in it. When I asked her what she was sleeping in at her new place she reluctantly admitted a sleeping bag on the floor. Knowing that she is depressed, under-weight (95-108 lbs as opposed to usual of 125 at 5'7") and sleeping on the floor was too much for me to take. I bought her a matress and box spring set. I made it VERY clear that it was NOT a "baby come back" gift and that there were no strings, expectations or obligations on her part. She was appreciative - and I have no expectations at all of that one act changing her mind. I simply just couldn't live with myself knowing that she was living in those conditions. It was hard considering she is the one that left, but I feel in my heart it was the right thing to do. Again, my initial reaction was "you made this choice, suffer on the floor" - but as I said, I am learning a lot of my initial reactions are not the best ones.
During the exchange last night, it felt as though she couldn't really look me in the eye. Though perhaps a lot of that was due to the fact that she was focused on the baby. She was verbal, but not overly so - and I was sure to cut things short and not linger.
She tearfully said once that she "was not looking forward to being a 38 year old divorced single mom starting over". It makes me wonder where her head is right now. What could she be thinking about her new living situation and the loss of time with our son? Does she even miss me? Is she having second thoughts? Thus far she really hasn't asked how I'm doing or anything - not do I expect it anytime soon at all. I guess I just wonder if she is thinking that this life is better than a life with me and our son together and will she always think that it is?
Sorry, feels like I went a lot of places with this post.
Rough Thanksgiving. Had to pick up my son from her new place and take him over to friends and then bring him right back. Talked to my sister on the way home and she just kept telling me "She isn't coming back!". That conversation didn't end well. How do you handle family members that are "there"? They think they are being helpful - are they?? I am doing all I can to keep the hope alive that my family will be back together someday and I know that failure is a possibility - it just doesn't do me much good to have it pounded into me by a family member.
I had the same thing on Sunday from my father. He calls it being realistic. My mum took him to one side and put him right. I do know how much it hurts to hear such things when you are clinging to the wreckage.
So as I have read and re-read part s of DR, as well as this board, I am coming to some helpful conclusions - so thank you moderators and posters.
I am trying to spend less time inside of my wife's head - what she's thinking, what she's doing, what she's feeling - and so on. Fact of that matter is, I will never know until she tells me (IF she tells me), and I am certainly in no place to ask.
It's helpful to read that there are others in "last resort" mode that are struggling to not contact the S. I never call, but I text via BlackBerry Messenger. Mostly I am answering questions about the baby and pick-up times. I am getting better at not asking "how are you doing" and "do you need anything". It's hard for me to relinquish my protect and provide role. And frankly, some days I am hopeful that she will just reach out and ask how I'm doing - but I would figure that is quite some time away.
I am gradually giving in to the notion of being a friend to her for a lot of reasons. It's difficult, because I find myself wanting to burst out of my skin and hug her and tell her my feelings - but I know that is the wrong move right now. At the moment, I am doing all I can to give her space and time, while reflecting on some of the things I did or did not do that brought us to this place. Previously, I was pinning much of it on her depression and/or potential hormonal problems. These things may be REAL, but it is still incumbent upon me to do my work and control and change what I can - me. I just need the strength to keep my distance, pull back, and hope that one day she takes even a half step towards me.
She has said things that make things sound so final, "it's over", "I have no feelings for you or this marriage", and so on - and those words play over and over again in my head like failure's soundtrack. Still, I my heart tells me to not give up. MWD books and this board have helped me calm down and focus a bit - even though I have my bad days.
I will keep reading the books, I will keep reading posts, I will keep praying, and I will keep my hope from being extinguished no matter how dark it becomes.
Thanks everyone - please keep the goodwill and encouragement coming.
I managed to make it a full day with no contact. Sounds minor, but it took a lot of impulse control not to reach for the blackberry and ask how everything was going.
I've started to spend time with an old friend or two and keep busy. It certainly helps fill the void, but even when I'm out I find my mind drifting back to W. I'm guessing that is natural at this stage.
W told me that there are pictures of me in the baby's room and that her new place is a "dad friendly" zone. I suppose that's good, but I think she was referring to pictures, not actually ME Being there.
Oddly enough, as I was picking the baby up for Thanksgiving she asked where we were going or if it was "top secret" (jokingly). I told her, but I wonder why she bothered to ask???
When we were there, I shot her a text to tell her my friends said "hello"'and that two of them recently eloped ( these are people she was friends with, too, for years). She shot back " enjoy your time. I don't need updates on your friends, just information about the baby." What was that about? It seemed somewhat angry.
Going a full day without any contact is not minor. I think it's a big step for you.
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I don't need updates on your friends, just information about the baby." What was that about? It seemed somewhat angry.
She was very rude. We can guess why she said that, but it's not really worth your time to dwell on it. Let it run like water down your back. You now know not to mention the people who use to be her friends too.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
