Wife just told me doesn't want to be married

[witz10]

1) You separated in May. Yes
2) Your wife's main complaints were:
a) financial -- you don't make enough money
b) support -- you did not put her above your family
c) financial & support -- you work for a family business she wants you out of YES TO ALL

3) W admitted to a crush, is currently spending time with OM, and did not deny sleeping with him, she says she is single. YEP
4) W has not yet asked for divorce, and you are taking that as a sign that you might reconcile HOPE SO
5) You are working well together as parents, you're still polite to each other and can have productive discussions about the kids. YES as well

Anything I'm missing? Any other complaints?
I don't think so.

[It would seem the biggest issues are finding a new job and establishing that you are able to put W above your family.]
I am still attempting to find a new line of work. I am sending resumes out pretty much everyday. If I want I can be stuck in a dead end job as a cable installer. A friend told me he could get me in. At this point I am debating that.

[Rule #1 in your situation should be "don't pursue!".]
The clothing and cologne were also suggested by my therapist he referred to it as Peacocking. Show her I look a little different to get noticed more.

[She needs to wonder what you're up to, and you should not volunteer it.] A woman I used to work with told me to say if my W asks if I can take the kids one night to say I can't I have a date. Which is the wrong thing to say instead I will say plans. Cause I am not dating as of now.

So when I leave at nights after dropping the kids off. Do a quick update and then leave. Should I even ask her about her day or work. In the past she has said it felt like I was lingering.


I hope I wasn't overly harsh Witz10, I am trying to help.
Nope thank you for the advice. Good advice is the best advice

[witz10]

I want to make something clear here. Everyone says act happy around her. So she comes walking in the door say Hey there how you doin how was work? All the time?

Sunday when I dropped the kids off I walked in and told her something smells good. She was sitting down to eat. I try to keep the conversation light hearted. There is no point in getting moody just not helping my cause.

[MrBond]

"Hey there how you doin how was work? All the time?"

Isn't that what you should be asking her anyway? You don't need to say it all the time, just when you want to.

Start by being nice. Act as if she was someone you wanted to get to know. What would you be doing? If you can't be nice without being cynical, then don't say anything.

She may not respond to it right away, but over time it will.

Look this isn't a science. Go with what you're comfortable with without overdoing it. She may respond, she may not. But it comes down to what kind of man do YOU want to be and not what kind of man SHE wants you to be.

[witz10]

Thats just it I am always nice. I always try to strike up a conversation.
She texted me last night I asked her how kids were and how her work was. After she told me I texted her nitey nite and she texted back gnight.

I just don't want to make her uncomfortable in our home when she comes home and I am there. She says I linger and she gets uncomfortable cause of the OM as well. Which I asked her about last week, but thats a whole other post.

This is why I am also trying to cut of seeing her. Next time we are together more catching up perhaps.

Thanksgiving I have the kids with me. I offered to take them to her parents house but instead without asking me let me have them overnight to spend more time with them. Then I was offered the whole weekend returning them on Sunday a day before her Bday. So now she can spend all weekend with OM.

Which is not my concern. Having a good time with my kids is my only concern.
Now I asked earlier should I leave my ring off or put it back on showing I am still committed to repairing this.

Her bday next week I am just giving her the gifts from kids. My family is not giving her anything which part of me understands since she said she didn't want to be married.

[MrBond]

"Thats just it I am always nice."

Nothing wrong with that.

"I always try to strike up a conversation."

Asking if she had a good day at work doesn't need to get complex. You don't need to ask everything. That would be hovering. Just short and sweet.

"I just don't want to make her uncomfortable in our home when she comes home and I am there."

It's your house correct? Here's a reality check. She's with another guy. You're not the reason why she feels uncomfortable. It's her guilt. Seeing you triggers that guilt so as a defensive mechanism she tries to push you away, either with words or emotions.

"She says I linger and she gets uncomfortable cause of the OM as well. Which I asked her about last week, but thats a whole other post."

Do you hover over her? Don't do that if you do. Again, read my paragraph above.

"I offered to take them to her parents house but instead without asking me let me have them overnight to spend more time with them."

No she didn't "give" you the kids. She just wanted more time with the OM.

"Then I was offered the whole weekend returning them on Sunday a day before her Bday. So now she can spend all weekend with OM."

See?

"Having a good time with my kids is my only concern."

That's the main point. Take them somewhere that you've never been with your W. Someplace that she might have objected to. This is your chance to give your kids the memory of a lifetime.

"Now I asked earlier should I leave my ring off or put it back on showing I am still committed to repairing this. "

Again, this is a personal choice. But do it for you and not for your W to see that you're still in this.

[Accuray]

Witz10,

The "peacocking" seems very transparent to me. It's one thing if she happens to run into you somewhere and you're dressed up and smell good. I would be cautious about doing it when it's obvious you're directly trying to impress her. Personally I wouldn't do it. I'd look good, but not too good if you know what I mean.

Being friendly is good. If W is complaining that you're making her uncomfortable, lingering, etc. you might try backing off. I'm not saying don't be friendly, just engage less. If you used to start 3 conversations, start 2 for now, then maybe start 1 in each interaction. Keep them light and topical, and end the conversation first.

Also, be careful -- if you tell your wife her dinner smells good and you're hanging around, she may think you're trying to solicit an invite. You don't want to give that impression.

From everything I've read, it's a good idea to be LESS TRANSPARENT and more mysterious. Make her wonder what you're up to, don't volunteer it. Don't talk about what you're thinking or feeling, keep it topical. Make conversation like you would with a casual acquaintance.

Once again, not easy. Nothing about this is easy. The goal is to be consistent though. Keep trying to detach and don't pursue!

Accuray

[witz10]

[It's your house correct? ]
Yea technically the condo mortgage is in my name and we are on title. Last night I noticed another of my pictures down in the living room. However the pic of us from her brothers wedding when we started dating is still up in the bedroom. My guess is she took pics down where she sits with OM. I think when they are "together" it is in his place. Just my feeling.

[Again, this is a personal choice. But do it for you and not for your W to see that you're still in this.]
I have decided to put my ring back on to show myself that I am still committed to us.

The good consolation going into the holiday, I was talking with my neighbor last night and he told me she commented on how I am looking these days from going to the gym, in a good way.

[witz10]

All comments make perfect sense. I need to go through my whole thread again and just reread and keep rereading just like DB book.

Thank you for advice

[witz10]

Just curious does anyone live in the Philadelphia area. I think it would be nice to meet people face to face. How do you find out? Also is it technically allowed?

[sandi2]

So you are saying that I should still wear my ring to show her that I am not giving up?

Oh lordy, I need to take a communication course.

This is my personal opinion about you wearing or not wearing your ring.

She has told you she doesn't want to be M to you, right? So if you took the ring off.......don't put it back on!

Your way of thinking about wearing the ring...and her way of thinking has totally opposite results. You are waving your protest sign (the ring) saying, "Look! I'm showing you that I'm not giving you what you want! I'm standing for our M!" But, it is a complete turn-off to her! The more you wave around your protest signs, the more resistant she'll be toward you. It will not have positive effects.

The WAW doesn't care to see the LBH declaring his undying love for her, nor him "fighting for the M". That does not get you anywhere with her.

If I understand, what you really want to do...is show her the message you aren't giving up on the M. You think that she'll see you wearing the ring and that's suppose to...............do what, exactly?