Trying to make it to the bye week

[MadeToSucceed]

That rollercoaster brings me to last night and today. Last night it was cold and raining here and I had a moment. Hadn't felt this way in a month but I was hurting again. I missed her. I felt like I shouldn't have been alone in my apartment but rather with her living life. Today I woke up feeling the same way and kind of shook myself out of it but then a HUGE weight came over me around lunch time.

That's when I slipped and I looked at her twitter timeline for the first time in months. She'd posted a picture of her wearing a t shirt with OM's name on the back as recent as this past Sunday, November 20th. (oh...OM has since gotten hurt twice since my last posting) She's doing photoshoots and launching a new website and all this stuff. So what was that email about "I miss u" for? Why email my close friends with all that bs about changing and becoming XYZ?

What's the point?

I feel battered and bruised and uncertain of what's next. I've met two women since mediation and both have a lot of potential...God fearing and a great head on their shoulders...I still haven't slept with anyone or had any sexual activity since the last time I was with my W (I guess XW now?) but I guess I'm just at a crossroads. My heart is still with my XW to whatever extent but I'm trying to move on because she gave me no choice. I don't know what to do. Friends and family that know about all of this tell me repeatedly to get ready because they think she's going to ramp up her efforts to reach out to me but will she really? And if so, why? What's the point of all this?

Thanksgiving is coming up and I have sooooo much to be thankful for but my heart is still soooooo heavy. I just don't know what to do. Feel like I should take all these electronic and hand written journals from the past 7 months and write a book...iono...maybe it would bless someone else or something...not a "tell all." Hell I don't even think I'd have the balls to write it under my name but maybe it would just be therapeutic or something. I really just don't know what's in store for me man but I want to heal and find someone. I'm not a dater. I loved being married. I'm ready for a family and to be a father and I thought I had all that forever with XW. And it's like she hit me in the stomach with a baseball bat and then over the head with a hammer.

Part of me would like to say I want her back but I don't know if I do at this point and I'm not sure what that means.