Starsky, nothing about any of the friendship thing is easy. I would suggest that the failure rate becomes part and parcel of both the WAS taking total advantage of the sitch, and then the LBS bails. OR... the LBS finds the emotional turmoil far too much to endure and they simply give up. Doing the friendship thing, hell, even DBing is enduring a certain amount of emotional abuse. They're utterly brain dead at this stage.
So... I'm aware that what I"m doing this time may not work. I'm well aware that my feelings for him are already being chipped away at. There's a breaking point for me, and if that happens, the lawyers will have to do their job at that point.
I *know* this parasite will try everything she can to get pregnant again. If he lets that happen, not only is he a total moron, but he's going to be a financially broke one.
T:22, M:20 H:55 Me:45 H-OW PA: N/07 OW Jan08 Bomb:Feb/08 S: Apr/08 Back together Ap1/09-Sept/11 Oct, 2011, uncertain future/H is a mess. Dec/11 - Doin'friend mode. Some days are better than others.
Starsky, nothing about any of the friendship thing is easy. I would suggest that the failure rate becomes part and parcel of both the WAS taking total advantage of the sitch, and then the LBS bails. OR... the LBS finds the emotional turmoil far too much to endure and they simply give up. Doing the friendship thing, hell, even DBing is enduring a certain amount of emotional abuse.
Where my point is: is if he's stupid enough to get her pregnant,... AGAIN. (background, he approached me at her being 8 weeks preg, to raise the child.) He knows she's a nut case, but she's clearly got some kind of pull for him.
Emotionally, it's a matter of just how much I'm willing to put up with. Just as it is for everyone.
T:22, M:20 H:55 Me:45 H-OW PA: N/07 OW Jan08 Bomb:Feb/08 S: Apr/08 Back together Ap1/09-Sept/11 Oct, 2011, uncertain future/H is a mess. Dec/11 - Doin'friend mode. Some days are better than others.
Yesterday was a hard day. The reality hit me that he's screwed up enough that he could get her pregnant. I had to really get my brain wrapped around that. I've left it in a "higher power".
Stupid thing is, after we had that talk, he wanted sex with me... again.
He's cheating on her ... AGAIN... with me.
He's in full narcissistic selfish mode. He wants me to suck up my feelings, he lies to her about just how we're living here - (she'd lose her nut if she knew).
I'm letting her be the UN-DBing wife right now. I've done ALL I can do to thwart another pregnancy. The rest is out of my hands.
She gets all pouty because we have to go on business calls together. EXCUSE ME... but I'm the one that's married to this man. LOL. Yet, she wants him to do exactly what SHE wants. She's playing the clingy jealous pushy demanding... Wife. This is what she is. This is what she does. This is the only thing she knows how to do.
T:22, M:20 H:55 Me:45 H-OW PA: N/07 OW Jan08 Bomb:Feb/08 S: Apr/08 Back together Ap1/09-Sept/11 Oct, 2011, uncertain future/H is a mess. Dec/11 - Doin'friend mode. Some days are better than others.
You may want to let the OW know that her boyfriend is still actively making love to his wife. I've seen it be QUITE effective with wayward Hs/OW. I'd be willing to bet you $1,000 that he has told her that he most certainly is NOT being intimate with you.
If it was anyone but her, I'd say you were right. BUT... this woman is a grade A nutcase. This would not stop her. She is so into her own personality disorder that it would make her more determined.
My job right now, is to make sure when I pull the plug when I DO move out, that he'll miss me like crazy. (I still say he has to get her full on and finish the mess he initially started). This is unfinished business that I expected the first year back together, not now.
So... at the moment she thinks she's won... and honestly, that the best place for me to be. The more she thinks I'm out of the way, the sloppier and abusive she gets. She is already using threats about access to the child etc. SOOO... allowing her to think she has free reign is like letting the raccoon in the hen house.
He's already moaning about her here and there and they ARE fighting. My belief is that I really don't have to do anything except let her dig her own hole. She's really that manipulative and that stupid at the same time.
T:22, M:20 H:55 Me:45 H-OW PA: N/07 OW Jan08 Bomb:Feb/08 S: Apr/08 Back together Ap1/09-Sept/11 Oct, 2011, uncertain future/H is a mess. Dec/11 - Doin'friend mode. Some days are better than others.
Btw, I can guarantee that his exactly what he's told her. She'd already be losing her nut if that was the case. Trust me when I say this, she's a WACKJOB.
From before: 65 text messages and a full voice mail message bank within 3 hours. Told H that she aborted the baby when she didn't. Let him believe it for 2 weeks. Broke into the house and when he called the cops, she accused him of beating her up. Lemme see, thrown hot coffee at him; chased him down the freeway, cutting some 3 lanes of traffic and a high speed chase down residential streets.
A simple phone call from me to deal with taxes, sent her so far off the edge that she threatened to kill me with a hammer.
They bring out the narcissist in each other. Frankly the last thing I want is for her to know what's going on here. It suits the DBing that needs to be done.
T:22, M:20 H:55 Me:45 H-OW PA: N/07 OW Jan08 Bomb:Feb/08 S: Apr/08 Back together Ap1/09-Sept/11 Oct, 2011, uncertain future/H is a mess. Dec/11 - Doin'friend mode. Some days are better than others.
An update for the day. He's out "shopping" with her. Of course... yep... perfectly and completely acceptable. *gag*
It makes me realize just how devoid of empathy, or respect he has for anything except his OWN wants and emotions.
T:22, M:20 H:55 Me:45 H-OW PA: N/07 OW Jan08 Bomb:Feb/08 S: Apr/08 Back together Ap1/09-Sept/11 Oct, 2011, uncertain future/H is a mess. Dec/11 - Doin'friend mode. Some days are better than others.
If it was anyone but her, I'd say you were right. BUT... this woman is a grade A nutcase. This would not stop her. She is so into her own personality disorder that it would make her more determined.
Um, I was referring to your wayward husband. Your boundaries need to be established with him, as you are choosing to live with him and try to remain friends with him. Healthy boundaries will be important during such an effort, and this (saying "ILY" to his affair partner in your presence) is simply beyond the pale.
Btw, I can guarantee that his exactly what he's told her. She'd already be losing her nut if that was the case. Trust me when I say this, she's a WACKJOB.
From before: 65 text messages and a full voice mail message bank within 3 hours. Told H that she aborted the baby when she didn't. Let him believe it for 2 weeks. Broke into the house and when he called the cops, she accused him of beating her up. Lemme see, thrown hot coffee at him; chased him down the freeway, cutting some 3 lanes of traffic and a high speed chase down residential streets.
A simple phone call from me to deal with taxes, sent her so far off the edge that she threatened to kill me with a hammer.
They bring out the narcissist in each other. Frankly the last thing I want is for her to know what's going on here. It suits the DBing that needs to be done.
Abbey,
From my perspective, you have your priorities out of whack. You are focusing on your husband's affair partner first (and almost exclusively) here. It's a given that an OW/OM is a predator. What's important is how YOU deal with it, what healthy boundaries you set, and how you choose to interact with your wayward husband. Although I strongly disagree with the whole "act like their best friend" thing, I can RESPECTFULLY disagree with it, and support you in it (while disagreeing), but even those that ADVOCATE it will tell you how important healthy boundaries are to that process. They are even MORE important than if you chose the LRT or beyond-the-LRT, since you've chosen to remain in the middle of your husband's infidelity for the time being.
Help me understand: if DBing is about "do what works," then why would you NOT let OW know your husband is still ML to you, when you ADMIT that it would be effective??
