What do I do next? Part 2

[luvhurts49]

W started posting pics on FB of herself with OM, changed her status to "Single", etc.

My W hasn't gotten to that point yet, but I kinda keep waiting for it though.

The things she posts are pictures of sayings, so she really isn't saying them, she's just reposting the picture, but she's obviously very selective about it. Sometimes though, she will make a comment to go along with the picture and that is what is usually directed towards me. The comment is usually obscure, but enough to know it's meant for me IMO.

[Accuray]

I'm just surprised you want to communicate with her in that way. If you do great, but if not, shut it down. I have to believe it's going to get worse before it gets better.

Accuray

[luvhurts49]

I don't communicate with her that way, she just posts things on there to get my blood pressure going I think. If I respond to her, it's usually face-to-face as I really don't need a paper trail via texting or email during the middle of a D. Sometimes I'll talk to her on the phone too, but since recorded phone calls can't be used in court without my permission, I'm not too worried about that.

I really don't know how things could get much worse between us right now other than a full blown court battle over the kids. Our biggest problem has always been our communication. It needs work, that's for sure, but it makes it kinda hard to work on our communication if we don't talk. I believe that if we can work out our communication problems, everything else will get better between us too, but she has got to want to take that first step. Unfortunately, I can't make her take it.

[Accuray]

You're a good man Luvhurts, I've seen your attitude change so much through this experience. When your W decides to re-engage, I'm sure she'll be pleasantly surprised and things *will* be better. If she doesn't, you'll be a better parent and a better person. Feel good about that today.

Accuray

[luvhurts49]

I just hope she does decide to re-engage. Right now though, she just seems to be really upset about me telling a couple of my friends about her A and OM. Generally speaking though, my attitude over this whole thing really hasn't changed. I have allowed myself to kinda let go a bit and to not always think about my W or our situation.

On the other hand, I know that in just a short period of time, I have become a better parent and a better listener to my kids which for me is a big deal. My S13 feels closer to me now than he has in years. He feels more comfortable telling me things that he normally wouldn't have in the past.

My youngest S3 behavior has gotten a little worse during this whole ordeal, but when he calms down, I have noticed that he is more wanting of some "cuddle time" with me, which is not something he did a lot of when me and my W were still together.

I guess looking back, I can see that I am a better person than I was just 3 months ago. I've learned many things about myself and many things about my W that I didn't know before. I hope that if my W ever does decide to give us another chance, that I can be the H that she wants and deserves, but also that she would be willing to put forth the effort to be the W that I want and deserve as well.

I know my story is still just beginning and there isn't much hope on the horizon right now, but I still believe in us, I still believe in my W and in our family and that is all I can do right now. I can't make her stop our D and I can't make her come back to me, but it doesn't me I'm not praying for that, it's that I have no control over it.

[luvhurts49]

My God this is becoming a nightmare. W picks up our kids after school/daycare and immediately takes them to a movie that just came out that I wanted to take our kids to. This is the third time she has done this now and it's really ticking me off. She takes them to all the movies, takes them out to eat, and buys them stuff all the time. It must be nice to live at your dad's house and not have to pay for anything whereas I'm sitting here rolling pennies for gas money trying to get by and doing my best to do some things with my kids. She is spoiling our kids and doing everything she can to butter them up. Arrrrgggggg!!!!!!!

[luvhurts49]

Well I guess I don't have to worry about some of the things that my W post on Facebook anymore, she blocked me and my family. It doesn't really bother me that I can't see her childish posts anymore, but the pictures of our kids that she puts on Facebook are things that I would still like to see.

I love my W, but she is doing everything she can to just tick me off. This is a woman that is my closest friend, someone that I have always been able to talk to about anything and now she won't communicate with me pretty much on any level. I haven't initiated communication with her because I'm trying to give her space and not push her, but instead of making her the least bit curious about what I'm doing, her actions show that she just doesn't care.

I am so frustrated.

[Accuray]

Hi Luvhurts,

Sorry to hear it. Just some perspective -- had you told your W that you planned to take the kids to the movie and she knowingly pre-empted you, or has she just been behaving in an indulgent way that you never get the chance to go first? Know that she may be indulging them from a place of guilt versus trying to slight you.

She will get curious what you're up to if you stay dim/dark and GAL *eventually*. With OM in the picture, she's getting her needs met and is probably not thinking about much else besides the kids, how she feels, and OM.

Sorry to hear about Facebook as well, I guessed that might happen. Unfortunately you do need to accept that "she just doesn't care" right now and let that guide your actions and your expectations.

I realize that is virtually no comfort to you. What are you doing for yourself these days? How is IC going? Are you exercising? What are you doing for fun?

Hang in there, realize that the darkest time is now, it will get better.

Accuray

[luvhurts49]

@Accuray, I think my W takes our kids to the movies just so I can't do it with them and it could be because she feels guilty and to tick me off.

From my understanding, she really doesn't do much with our kids. When she has them, she makes them dinner (usually something frozen or takes them out to eat $$$) and then they sit in front of the TV while she plays on her phone.

Now when I have the kids, I usually MAKE dinner. That doesn't mean that we don't do frozen pizzas, but more time than not, I usually cook something even if it's just Mac N Cheese. After dinner we'll go into the living room and I'll play with my S3 while S12 watches TV. When S3 gets tired of playing with me, then me and S12 will sit and talk about his day or he'll have me help him with something. As bedtime comes closer, S3 will ask to cuddle with me on the couch (something S12 says he doesn't do with my W).

The point is, I try to be involved with my kids, not just feeding them and letting them run wild and do whatever they want. I think it's disgusting that my W, who has always been a great mother, is basically ignoring her own kids.

I've recently found out that at least one of my closest friends has been "feeding" intel to my W. This has left me very scorn and disrespected. I have yet to confront my so-called friend on this.

My W has shown zero interest in finding out what I am doing (probably because of my so-called friend). I don't see my W but for 2 minutes 3 times a week when she's dropping off our S3 and I have a feeling that is going to change very soon here. She wants to take him out of our current daycare to put him in one that opens earlier. I do not want this to happen. My S3 loves it where he is at and has lots of friends there.

My IC is okay I guess. I really don't exercise and really haven't done much for fun either. The friends I thought I had are turning out to be not so much my friends. What "real" friends I do have have pretty busy lives of their own.

[Accuray]

Luvhurts,

If she's doing things to spite you and get your attention, that would be construed as a good sign because she's thinking about you. It's worse if she's not thinking about you at all and doesn't care what you think about anything.

I've recently found out that at least one of my closest friends has been "feeding" intel to my W. This has left me very scorn and disrespected. I have yet to confront my so-called friend on this.

What on earth does that mean? Have you been confiding in someone who is passing your thoughts along to your W behind your back? Why would they do that? That would definitely sabotage your efforts, although once again, if your W cares what you're thinking or what you're up to, that's probably a good sign.

Negative attention is sometimes better than zero thought, because they are thinking about you at all.

Tell me more about the "intel" that your friend was collecting.

Accuray