You are so right about the horror movies. It's what you don't see that your imagination takes over and writes a scenario. Maybe she didn't want you to see her not "made up". vc
Bit of a strange day and would like peoples thoughts
I had the kids the night before, all great, get up this morning and we go out. Take son to football and going shopping with daughter, 10.00am, wife calls, could I have the kids until 1.30, she has an errand to do, yes no problem, but could I confirm in a hour, as I had work problems, again no problem.
I get a facebook update on my phone from a bar in town showing pics from the night before, there is only one of wife with friends!! no OM!!!
Bit later I call her to say 1.30 is fine, there has been a change of plan, daughter is going skating with friends, so could I take her there, and drop son home as usual, no problem.
Gets the kids sorted, going into home, wife calls, are the kids ok, etc, told her yes, don't worry all sorted.
30 minutes later she calls back, am I ok, I seem down?, told her I was fine, I was going into the gym and call her later if she wanted, she said yes.
Come out of the gym, go home, calls wife, she asked the same question?, told her I was fine, thanks for the call, but all is ok, I feel great, no problems.
She asks about the drinking etc, how I was, told her its not an issue, I don't think about it, I'm very well, and all is good, she said that I seemed happy, I told her I was.
Then she asked about us, she said that I had mentioned a while ago about doing something together and not telling anyone, what did I mean, this was a while ago so I was a little shocked?, I explained that I knew it was over between us and accepted it, but I missed her as a friend, and would maybe like to do something together, meal, etc, just as friends, I don't want anyone else to know, even our kids, so no-one is asking questions about getting back together, its just 2 old mates? She listened and understood what I meant, she didn't say yes, but didn't say no, so I left it.
She then started to tell me how hard it was for her to split us up, she did it for the right reasons, for me to get help and to protect our kids, but it broke her heart leaving me?? She said that its not what she wanted but she had to do it for all of us.
I listened and thanked her for doing it, I told her that I would always thank her for leaving me,as it took that for me to get my life back, stop drinking and become a better person, it was just sad that it happened and I wished I could have done something earlier. She said that nothing other than her leaving would have changed me, I agreed and thanked her again.
We spoke a bit more nothing serious and ended the call.
We didn't mention it was our anniversary, but she must have thought I was "down" because of that?, I know I was fine so not sure.
So I text her " for got to mention, happy anniversary", I was surprised when she text back "thanks"
I just wanted her to know I hadn't forgotten, but didn't want to make a fuss of it.
It seems she still has a real interest in me and maybe "us"
She talked more about her feelings and hurt than ever before, I also think that the changes in me have confused her a little, she can see the man she fell in love with again and maybe didn't expect it happening.
In all, its been a good day, and I feel some small steps forward have been made.
I know what it sounds like to me. It sounds like she is starting to try and reconnect. Little baby steps. Asking you over and over how you are, how is the drinking, how are you feeling, etc.
I think you handled it rather well, when she asked about the doing something together without telling anyone. Just be careful if you do, not to move too fast. Good way you handled the anniversary, too.
She will probably talk and talk and talk about her feelings about being hurt, etc. I think she is really weighing everything here. She sees the changes in you, but isn't sure she can yet trust them.
Oh, that's great that girl's night really was girl's night out. She didn't fib to the kiddos!
Hi VC, I am hopefull, but I cannot allow myself to get too hopefull.
I have had loads of contact from wife after this conversation, so she has not pulled back!!
The opposite if anything, all good and positive!
She even told me to buy some new clothes I was looking at and talking to her about, they are expensive, but she said that I should treat myself for not drinking!!, all very positive.
I told her that I had bought them and said I just needed her to tell me when we are going out so I can wear them, she smiled and laughed when I said it, I didn't push anymore, made light of it really!
So now I go back to the status quo, is back about me and the kids, if she wants contact with me, she has to make it.
Its now for me to pull back and watch her reaction.
But I think its been a good weekend, no arguments, no fighting, and some small steps forward made.
Very positive hearing my wife say it also, she must be noticing the change to say it even!!
I am feeling good about everything again, no doubts or mind games going on in my head.
To hear your wife tell you that it "broke her heart leaving me", has to be a positive, she didn't try to justify leaving, it was more about how hard it was for her to do it and the pain she suffered.
With the pain she was in, and the madness going on at the time, no wonder when some guy gave her attention she fell for it, it hurts me still, but I understand what happened, and how easy it did.
I am very positive about "us" in the future, that maybe months, or years, but I really do feel something will happen in the future.
But for now, I need to think about me, and my kids.
All is really good with the 3 of us, my wife knows that, and its sad that she is not part of the fun we are having.
Its up to her if she wants to be part of it in the future.
I was driving home to pick the kids up, wife called, she was fine, asking where I was etc, and said she would drop something's off at mine for the kids later, I said that I was passing and could call in, she was very defiante that she would call around, and I mean very defiante? My thoughts wondered why?
Gets home with the kids and my mind is on overtime!!
I ask my son if there had been a man at the house, I know I shouldn't, but I did it casualy, he looked at me, initially said no, then said yes most nights! My heart sank!!
He then told me that om is there most nights they are home, he comes for 1-2 hours, helping mum around the house, doing small jobs, he never stays over and is just mums friend from school
I play it all down, I told him what he tells me will remain a secret, mum had told him not to tell me
I am now totally confused!!!
Yes I knew he was around, but after how things have been, and how she has acted, things she said, etc, it is obviously a lot more serious that it seemed He has meet my kids??
I will continue to be me, happy and smiling when I see her, but this does hurt!
I'm now very confused, but I suppose so is she?
I cannot control anything, but my actions and my mindset
I will not mention this to the kids or her
But at least I know how serious it is, good luck to her
Bad nights sleep!!, kept waking up thinking about wife, OM, kids, lies,lies, lies!!!
My mind is all over the place right now!!
I don't understand what is actually going on anymore, maybe thats how its suppose to be right now!
I knew OM was about, I got over that, I have been dealing with it well, and not really thought about it.
But now I know he's around my kids, being introduced as mum's friend from school, hurts.
It hurts that an other man is around my kids, it also hurts as it kind of shows me that it is more serious than I originally thought, maybe I have been kidding myself at times?
It maybe that he's the love of her life, and they will live happily ever after, its easy to say if it is, good luck to them, but I'm kidding myself if I think that, I still love her!
So, I can only stay detached, maybe detach even more
I will remain friendly, civil, but not so available to her
Did I get too hopefull, maybe, but I'm not totally devastated as I would have been in the past.
There is nothing I can do, it happens in her home, when the kids are with her, and I can only trust that she would not do anything to hurt our kids.
I need to be positive about this, the more time they spend together, the more chance that peoples faults will be seen and noticed.
I need to understand that I am not part of her life again, yes, she says some nice things to me, Yes, she tells me how hurt she was when we split, but for now she is with someone else, she has told a lot of lies in the past, so was it all lies then also, I have to take it that, I don't really want her part of my life anymore
Why would I?
It really is time to move on, I have been so positive recently, felt great, my confidence was brimming over, I have to maintain that mindset during this time.
I will be the better person, I am the better person, and I will be happy!!!!!
Ah, DC, I am so sorry that this has happened. As you know, even though you have found out this disturbing news, remember that things have still turned around for couples where one is involved with op. So, do stay detached, maybe back off on the long phone conversations. Let her get to miss you. He is nothing but a bandaid for the problems she has in your R. I know it's awful om is around your children, but do take comfort he is only around for an hour or so, and not spending the night.
And one thing, I HATE the phrase "love of my life"!!! My H and ow used that phrase, and ow made H an ugly wooden box with about a hundred coats of smelly varnish on it, with "loml" and a date on the bottom, with a bunch of scrapbookers stickers and stuff on the inside denoting their future together. H "hid" it in the house. S and I found it, took it into the woods, S chopped it up,and we ceremoniously burned it, as though we could burn out the devil from our lives. Ok, sorry for that rant!! Oh, and they did say they were going to live happily ever after and all that nauseating crap.
I am glad your state of mind is such that this did not have the effect on you it would have months ago. You have grown stronger over time. And you are right, she will begin to see om is not the perfect person, or answer she thought.
And most of all, you are the better person!!
So, with that I would wish you Happy Thanksgiving, but well, we know why I probably shouldn't!! But, we can all stand to tell what we are thankful for,whether or not we celebrate our holiday!
