Wife just told me doesn't want to be married

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Witz10,

You asked me to comment on your situation. I assume you'd prefer some "tough love" to support based on where you are. I've read your whole thread. I feel badly for you, you're in a very difficult situation. Here's my summary of where you are:

1) You separated in May
2) Your wife's main complaints were:
a) financial -- you don't make enough money
b) support -- you did not put her above your family
c) financial & support -- you work for a family business she wants you out of

3) W admitted to a crush, is currently spending time with OM, and did not deny sleeping with him, she says she is single.
4) W has not yet asked for divorce, and you are taking that as a sign that you might reconcile
5) You are working well together as parents, you're still polite to each other and can have productive discussions about the kids.

Anything I'm missing? Any other complaints?

Reading over your thread, you have gotten some good advice, but I haven't seen what you've been doing to follow it. People like Sandi ask you questions to try to help further but I don't see you answer them.

You reference that you've made a lot of changes, but all you've really written about is going to the gym and losing some weight. It would seem the biggest issues are finding a new job and establishing that you are able to put W above your family. As long as you stay in that family business, W is going to see you as not having changed at all. You said you've sent out a bunch of resumes. I would make changing jobs your #1 priority, it's as serious as a heart attack in the eyes of your W.

My other observation is that you are having a hard time Divorce Busting. Rule #1 in your situation should be "don't pursue!". You *claim* that you are "going dim/dark" and cite a couple examples, but you're really not, and for that to work, you have to do it consistently, all the time, with no exceptions.

Here are some examples from your latest update:

I dressed a little nice and threw on some cologne.

Unless you wear cologne all the time, that is pursuing, and she's obviously going to notice. If you dressed "obviously" nice, once again, pursuing. Look good, but don't make it obvious that it's "for her".

So I asked ok am I going?

Pursuing. Say "have a nice time". Never ask "am I going?" That's being needy. If she invites you, tell her you'll think about it.

I said yea when I bought 4 tickets for us to go as a family. Straight forward answer.

That was not a straight forward answer, that was a dig at her for "abandoning" your family. That is pursuing. You are trying to shame her with that comment.

Here's the thing Witz10 -- you can't read DB and do a little of it some of the time and hope it will work. You have to do as much of it as you possibly can, all of the time. You have to embrace it and live it.

It's hard! Nothing about it is easy. It often requires you to do the opposite of what your heart is screaming for you to do. It requires incredible discipline...and there are no guarantees. In many ways it's the "least worst" thing you can do, because nothing else has any hope of working at all, DB at least has some hope of working, but only if you execute on it consistently.

As you've probably read by following others on this site, when OM is involved there is simply not much you can do to get W back. You need to tread water, weather the storm, and not push W farther away. You need to become self-assured, mysterious and interesting in this window of time you have.

She needs to wonder what you're up to, and you should not volunteer it. She needs to see you doing things or acting in positive ways she would not expect, so that she questions her assumptions about you.

For instance, go out, get a new job, and don't tell her. Let her find out through the kids or in other ways -- you're not doing it to please her, you're doing it for yourself. That has to be your mantra -- not for her, for me. She needs to see you walking tall and living large.

Let me reiterate, with OM there, there is nothing you can say or do to get her back. Trying to talk her back will make things worse every time you open your mouth. Making little comments like "am I going" and "I did this for us as a family" will hurt her, and make her resent you for making her feel badly. If you do that enough, she will actively seek to avoid you entirely, because no one wants to feel that way.

She definitely doesn't want to come back to you if it comes with a boatload of shame and bad feelings. As others have said, you need to "pave the road home" and you do that by "acting as if" everything is OK now and you don't harbor ill-will. You act as if you are a fun person to be with right now.

You reference that you're able to make her laugh. That's great! Keep doing that as long as it's off-hand and you're not putting on a show for her. Be the best parent you can be.

You referenced "odds" at one point. The odds are her affair will run it's course. She'll then go through a stage of grief when she may be even harder on you. After that passes, she MAY be open to consider reconciliation. By then, you better have a new job and a road home all paved for her.

I hope I wasn't overly harsh Witz10, I am trying to help.

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