Thought it would be done by now...part 3

[25yearsmlc]

Okay, thank you for the replies----

Yes, after him telling me he didn't want D I told him that I have to continue to move forward with D unless he makes some movement toward R. He hasn't now so since I said I need to move forward right? Follow through?! Even though I don't want D and he "claims" he doesn't want D.

well it's not an "irrevocable signed contract" you have with him. You can file for the purpose of following through (though why you said it in first place puzzles me. Wasn't it enough that you had filed? Just curious.)

Or you can also just TAKE your time doing the finalization. I'd be very careful about the legal implications of doing nothing.

Sometimes that means you have to refile the whole thing later on if you want a divorce AND OR to keep the court support orders in effect.

Sometimes the court orders are temporary, "pending the divorce" and expire. CHECK with your L so you know you and the kids are protected.



I do believe H is an alcoholic. We have spoke a little about that. But, right now I haven't brought up much of that because he shuts down. I thought the time will come when it needs to be addressed. Just hasn't yet.


So his alcoholism did not come up while you were living together and has not come up since then? Or when it does, he shuts down?

What does this tell you, if anything? When do YOU believe it would mandatorily have to be addressed, if ever?


He does know I do not want a H who was/is doing what he was/is doing and he knows I think he needs help. He actually said to me a few weeks ago that maybe he should check himself into rehab. I agreed.

I have been in a slump for the last month. I believe I let his words hold me hostage.

No offense, but this^^ is obvious. Have you worked on this with your t? It seems like a dimension of denial on your end. You "want" to believe so you DO, even when you cognitively know better. And even the evidence suggests nothing he says is going to lead to action or change.

He tells me he wants to come home. I miss everyone,etc. But, yes, does nothing. I am holding on to hope based on his words and with how unhappy he is living the way he is. Just being honest.

More hostage taking, and I got that, at first. Can't say I do now.


Honestly, I feel if I move forward( I have already filed) I am giving up. Like I couldn't "hold out longer than the MLCer".

Wow, Life...
At first I suggested you wait things out, remember? He sounded really confused and sick. But that was months & months ago with ZERO action or movement on his end -no contacting the kids AND yet a lot of spending on OW.......so now, I'm wondering again,

what, exactly, he would have to do to get you to feel like the mistreatment was bad enough for you to say "I will not put up with THIS, too..."

Hey I'm NOT Telling you to file - but at least see other ways of looking at it...

what about
" b/c I love my children and myself enough, I will be true to my values and end this insanity" OR

"I refuse to call this "R", a marriage, when it isn't. No more denial."

OR
the reality is, Your h broke the vows in more than one way. So If you filed for divorce tonight, it would not be YOU who ended the m.

Just you who admitted it had ended.

Whatever it is, it has to be authentic for YOU so don't let us or anyone else, including HIS WORDS, make your choice for you. YOU Choose.



I am afraid I will kick myself later and wonder why I couldn't have been more patient. Not saying this is right-just my feelings.

I guess we all have those fears. In my case my h told me outright he'd "just win me back" later on if he had to. And I think he would have tried to.
But in theory then, you could say this til you're 89 y/o and he could be with OW til HE or she dies? Or you die? And then...well,
all I can say is life is short. Don't forget that.


When he started messing with the finances(not paying bills etc) I did file to protect us.

So, are you protected enough now in a permanent way, to support yourself and the kids in the home with the court ordered money from him? What if he again stopped paying bills?


I have no idea of what he would be like if he came back. I believe it would be a new M. Starting over and rebuilding.


well If it weren't a new m, w/different dynamics and united or complementary problem solving approaches, it would either quickly end for good, or you'd all recognize quickly what a bad idea the "reconciling" was and revert to the earlier patterns. Seems It's more a restoration you want, not just a reconciliation...

But you would need to make SOME CONCRETE PLANS for a recon/restoration, IF he ever does make a move.

You can't just have him come home and THEN say, "now what?"

That's just a set up for failure. He'd need to know the conditions were manageable, but not negotiable. NO contact with OW, attending AA meetings and seeing a shrink or T.

Probably meds for awhile when detoxing...which is why rehab is a good idea. (sorry to sound like an expert, just experienced).

But many recovering alcoholics find it too hard to get sober AND then also face the damage. They bolt, even though they are sober and the family then says, "geez, we put up with all the crap and now he's all 'better' and THIS is our reward??"

Since He's already hiding from the damage he's causing, he'll need some serious help and I hope, FAITH to sustain him. A whole lot of this is spiritual.

But let's not get ahead of ourselves.

Meanwhile, YOU can read up on Co-dependency b/c that's YOUR end of things.

It is not something you have discussed here and it seems to be a pattern for you now.
But it's something you can and ought to work on anyhow. That's in YOUR sandbox, if you know what I mean.


There are certainly things about him I do not like. Never did but not enough of a reason to D. I asked a few times to go to counseling. HE wouldn't. He didn't need it. I was the one with the problem(he said).


see, this ^^^ is not him drinking. THIS is not MLC. This is NOT OW or a bandaid. It's him not being accountable as a lifestyle choice. A behavioral pattern of his, a trait?

So, I went. I changed what I could. HE did not. I often think I am the one who should have left-not him.

I get that. But now, with some space for reflection you can see that Not all was wonderful BEFORE all this exploding into the crisis.

Maybe he was being a jerk and fighting it internally, and finally gave in to all his crappy urges? Maybe the jerky "devil" side to him finally won out? I DON'T KNOW THAT...I'm just Wondering...

What we seem to know is that your loss is more of what you hoped for, not what actually was lost. Do you see that?

This is very common. Then when those couples reconcile without a lot of change and work, they find that the old problems still there
AND

they regret putting themselves through the whole LBSer crap and how they slogged through things, just to have the idiot come back and be the same fool he was before? OR worse?

And what about all the "amnesia"?

will the kids be allowed to bring anything up, like THEIR pain? THEIR questions? Or will your h break apart again, and flee?

So is it really fair to your kids to have him visit or return, only to engage in more denial and pretense

and deny them the right to their feelings or needs or anger about how long they've had Unmet needs they are not allowed to discuss?

YOU have had to handle all that now...

Seems there is a lot you are avoiding thinking about so you can "be patient" for the h. But time passes. The kids get older. What will their childhood have consisted of? You being stuck, or living a life fully and well, believing that if your m were meant to be, your h would come home? YOU CAN live well and move forward and still hold out hope...maybe. But only if you detach.

I don't know what your thoughts are on dating and I'm NOT telling you to.

But don't let FEAR control you and convince yourself it must be "right".

My mc told me that and it helped. He said, "If you make a decision, don't let the fear of being alone dictate it, b/c it's not realistic."

So Don't believe that if you are not with h, you will have to be all alone (or that alone is all bad).

Do not fall into the trap of thinking that the ONLY alternative to filing for divorce and being alone, is waiting for your h and being alone til if and when he returns and IF AND WHEN he can manage to change enough to stay.

Another option is working on yourself to be healthy enough to move forward and, PLEASE...now, just imagine, for a minute-

just imagine, you healed enough to meet a healthy man to have a R with.

Imagine that he that is loving and sober and fun? What if there were no drama and no guessing games? What would that do for your kids? Or you? What could they learn from that?

Compare that to What they are learning from what "is" going on now.



I haven't had to enforce or been able to any boundaries because we rarely see him. If/when I do- if he starts to talk to me in a way I find unacceptable I tell him and walk away. Otherwise, what other boundaries can I put up when you never see them?

Good question. You control how YOU react to him and what access he has to the kids and home.

Except that whenever he wants to re-enter their lives or yours, or stay away, you'll allow it. So maybe you COULD have boundaries but you are not willing to enforce them. Which means...you don't have them?


My kids are my first priority. I am keeping them busy and showing them love and trying to handle this with as much grace as I can. I hope they see that.

They probably do. REassure them all you can, that YOU love them and YOU are there for them.

I recall telling my youngest that her happiness was THE most important thing to me and that I would make my decision based on what I believed would lead to the most happiness for her (albeit in the long run, so it might not be clear to her right away). Anyhow, that seemed to comfort her.

I know I cannot fix him. Sometimes, I still revert back to that thinking but honestly - I know.

Part of my goal with waiting some is to get that marital debt paid off. He makes a lot more than me and I don't want to be stuck with half if/when we D. That has been my goal right now. I have one bill left. I am happy about that.

That makes sense and GOOD for you! Seriously, that will feel like a weight off your shoulders. Trust me, we have had some VERY UNexpected expenses that are eating at us and stressing us and I"m pissed and am not sure who to be mad at, you know?

(SIDENOTE-right after we made a big payment towards a retirement annuity UNnecessarily paying in advance, then we learned that We missed a quarterly payment to the IRS in 2009. Never knew it til 2 months ago. Refused to believe it and sort of still do. Definitely not something we'd miss.../i]. But now, I can see that it's when mil was here with us and she had brain cancer/lung cancer and it was VERY labor intensive for me to care for her. Like 24/7.

So MAYBE we did drop the ball? Now the penalties and interest are gouging us and there's no "appeal" for hardship, or a"hey give us a break, please. We took pay cuts to care for her AND now we're being penalized???"

So yeah, money problems can stink so much. And like I said, who do I get mad at? MIL? H? Me? I prefer just hating the IRS ...so that's my plan for now.

But I digress...

Just curious, and NOT saying this is a [i]deal maker or breaker, but if he makes that much more money, would the amount be the same or more if divorced? Did you ask?

Oh, and if he married OW, HER income would count "in addition" to his so he'd have to pay you more, b/c "They make more together". Sometimes the court counts her income without them marrying b/c they are "cohabitating"

and that means there are 2 incomes at his home, only one income at your home, but with children at your home. Make sense?

At least in most states that's the case, so there probably are financial advantages to him staying legally married to you.

Not saying that's all there is, but there IS that.


Yes, I do not understand the "buying time" game he plays. But, we never will. I think he truly is a sick man.

Probably...but also, he may be aware of the above reality too...like he's better off not being legally divorced.

So, if I am to move forward with D- I will get that last bill paid then call my L and tell her to move forward. Or,
I get that last bill paid off and live my life and detach. Detach being the key word.


Detachment...Yes and that's ALL up to you!


I would like to have some kind of time line but i also feel if I do that I am putting a time line on God.

Input?

I don't get how is it a timeline on God? Aren't you just saying to yourself, "God, I'll do this as long as I can, AND as long as it's HEALTHY"

&imo, he's fine with that, right??

I mean, This is not a martyr contest of who can wear the hair shirt the longest.

Why aren't you allowed to at least know that at some point you will be allowed to move forward in your life

AND that your children deserve to not be in limbo forever?

If your h hits you, are you going to stick it out b/c you want to "outlast his violence"?

Would God be mad at you for that? Or is it possible you want an excuse for staying stuck?

I will say one thing for sure, the BIGGEST excuse I see around here for standing still, and calling it "Standing for marriage"

is religion. A misuse of religion, to be sure.

I am a Christian and my faith got stronger and got me through this terrible experience.

But I have seen a few people here, claiming to be "standing". They quote scripture and all they are doing is living in the past or a pretend future. Their real life is as abandoned LBSers who have not let go or adapted. I know a girl who is still lending her eX h the last of her money for "investing". He left her 4 years ago and remarried OW...she prays and reads the bible and says God will reward her for being patient and meek.
She is nearly bankrupt and it's just, imo, sick. God forgive me for saying that if I'm wrong but she sounds nutty. (When I first heard her story I assumed her h had left her a week or so earlier, and that he was having a fling. NOT married to OW for years AND bankrupting her...)

I also believe God wants me/us to be happy and STRONG in our faith in Him, and not waste our short lives teaching our kids that religion means shutting up and putting up

and never even searching for our bliss, never insisting on loving treatment or ever getting it. Never having them see us get it...


You have some tough brave soul searching to do.

Are you in shape physically? Do you feel good about your appearance these days? Do you like your job?

Do you have a social life? ARE YOU GAL? Meeting any new people?

If those things start to fall into place, the answer will likely manifest.

Either you'll be fine with detaching and moving on and waiting another year or so (not 5 or 9 years) b/c you'll be happy enough in your life,

to see if your h comes out of his tunnel AND comes back to you AND wants to do all the work needed, etc....

OR
You will feel ready to move on and that's a sign! You may want to say
"EFf this, I want to LIVE! I deserve to LIVE WELL! I don't have to WAIT more years for happiness or companionship. No more waiting for an AWOL H and father when I can have a good partner here now, helping me raise my kids!"


Who knows what happiness God would have right around the corner from you then?

Life, I am only trying to paint another picture for you to imagine-

b/c if the only thing "guiding" you is fear, then you are not operating in faith.

((( )))