i'm just now wondering if my wife is having an EA with someone she met online. i have a horrible chill running down my spine and a huge cold pit in my stomach... i'm suddenly so panicked that i want to go ask her about it now... i feel like i've really, really worked hard at changing myself, my actions and my trauma issues.
i'm horrified...this must be what you call a panic attack...
i heard a beep on her cell when she was upstairs and i just glanced to see if it was her parents calling but it was not, it was a man she had met when she and i were both online on the same social/dating site (it's complicated....
strange... my son suddenly cried out and we both went to help him.. she startled when she saw me there... i am living in the basement, and they are two floors up.
i'm also in a real bind because of my physical disability, it's been surgically corrected as much as it could be however i'm still disabled from it. fortunately, it's not a mobility related issue so i'm pretty ambulatory and can do most things provided i don't have to stand, sit in any one position or place and all the rest of that crap.
we both see individual therapists, she's met all of mine and even been to sessions with me with them...i asked if i could go with her to meet her therapist and she said no...it hurt me because she's been so familiar and included with all of my things that, while i have no desire to attend all or even any more than one, i would think that he would at least like to meet me given that, apparently, i am all they talk about.
it seems that i am the abuser in this relationship. i've never struck her or threatened to do so, in fact the opposite is true, she's kicked me in the head several times...i tried to make jokes of it and eventually she stopped. nevertheless, on my first visit to a renowned in patient PTSD and trauma disorder program, she played a song for me which deals with lots of personal challenges for me and claims that she didn't know what the song was about yet wanted to emphasize the positive aspects whilst it seems that i had focused on the negative ones. the chorus says "even if i say it'll be alright, still i hear you say you want to end your life. now and again we try to just stay alive, cause it's not too late, it's never too late." she's pledging her love to me and i'm stuck in issues which have only, just recently, become things which are properly diagnosed and fixable. it's been like a mental health episode of "House" and they have finally figured it out and it's fixable, it may take a few years to heal but i've healed from lots of physical injuries before and this one i can heal from as well.
in any case...the next day we had a huge fight and i had gotten in my car she had stood between the door and the car so i couldn't close it on her...shoving her face down within inches of mine and screaming at me. i asked (probably screamed) back at her that she needed to move so i could close the door, she didn't want that so i turned off the ignition and told her to move so i could get out, she didn't. i picked her up and moved her out of the way. i closed the door and went into the house with her following and screaming at me..something snapped...the ptsd rage crap, i spun quickly and she was inches from my face again, i picked her up and couldn't find a place to put her, i turned right and she bumped the cabinet, i turned right again and then put her on the dryer and walked out of the house. whenever i've been really ptsd raging i always try to walk away which infuriates her to no end so she will pursue me, screaming often.
i've put her though such an emotional hell that i can understand, finally, why she's leaving me. what i can't understand, really, though, is why she's not going to give me a chance to be with her and our son (who is 5 on Dec 30) when i am finally healthy? we've been together since Sept 27, 1997 and got married on May 1, 2000. her mother died on May 1 and so we haven't celebrated an anniversary since. we did this year, we moved it to Sept 27 however by then things were very difficult between us.
i think that i've done myself in by my own hand. the loving, warm hearted person that i knew is gone and a cold, angry person is in her place and directing that towards me.
she dropped the bomb on me when i had three days left before discharge from the in patient program...so i'm dealing with trying to resolve that trauma and the trauma of losing my wife and son (she will decide when i can see him, if i'm healthy enough...my therapist wants to know when she got her PhD) and, honestly, i've been really struggling with the timing of her telling me...she could have waited a bit, that program changed my life and i think will continue to play a huge role in the future shape of my life in the near future. in some ways, that's good as it gives us some physical separation however it will more than likely mean i miss xmas and my son's birthday. it's even possible that our home would sell before then...and then i would have no where to be discharged too... her parents are paying the mortgage so the house is up for sale. my disability pays the bills and her old job was more than enough to pay the mortgage....
i've decided to stop typing about this now... if you read this far, you have a stamina of an super human, and my great thanks.
