Hey Rick, I did. I shot a music video all day in the rain (LA weather has been crazy). I prepared for a sunny shoot.. so I went to bed with a chill. I also built a new relationship with a director. I love hearing the words "You're my New AD"
Today was awesome as well. I'm taking an investment seminar. Since I'm a freelancer, it's up to me to come up with my own retirement money. The $ it costs to educate myself is a litte out of my price range at the moment, but it's something I want to work towards.
Our instructor said a few things that rung so true to my sitch.
1. Procrastination is the thief of life
2. Change in life happens either from inspiration or desperation.
I really enjoyed the 2nd. When the bomb dropped last November.. I was definitely changing out of desperation.
However, I think I'm finding myself now changing out of inspiration. I'm not desperate to save my marriage.. but I feel inspired about how I behave in my marriage for as long as God continues to have it last... if that makes sense.
I find myself becoming more loving the more I'm in church and the more time I spend with God. The more my friends remind me of love and the more I show love to them. It's not easy all the time.. but It's an active part of my life. In my work, in my relationships.. it kinda centers around everything I do.. which has been awesome.
Because of that, my negativity has gone way down. When it creeps up on me, it's mostly in the form of fear or anger.. but mostly fear. I no longer complain about my job or my life. I don't even complain about my situation (well for the most part ). I find life to be really good and wake up every day seeing more positives than negatives.
Overall I just feel inspired.
The inspiration has been good but it's also wanting me to change up my strategy. For 7 months I have not contacted my w. She has made it clear that she does not know what our lives together as something other than a married couple looks like. She's afraid of the gray.
And although I understand that I can't make her see it... I've been wondering if just waiting for her to see it w/ taking no action is really working.
I know she is seeing changes in me.. they have been consistent. I guess I'm wondering if I should take them to the next level.
Last year we bought Christmas for a family. It was one of most joyous moments in my life and I think it was for her too.
I plan on doing it again this year... but I want to ask her if she wants to join me. I have checked my motives and this has NOTHING to do with our r and everything to do with loving a family for Christmas. I have NO desire to talk about M, only to laugh and have my melt heart when I think about the smiles on that family's face on Christmas morning.
If she doesn't want to join me that's ok.. but I want to ask. I have no expectations... because in some ways.. it feels like it doesn't really have anything to do with her and I.
Does that seem weird?
Is this anti DBing.. I don't know. But in all of this, I never wanted us to stop talking. I may not have her as a w, but I'm okay with having her as a friend. Honestly... it's where we need to be.
Our marriage was very toxic and we both weren't being our best selves. I'm interested in a reset button, but I feel like that needs to go back further to the very beginning. Marriage is built on a foundation and her and I built everything on sand.
I don't know. I know it doesn't seem like DBing.. but I just keep thinking that God continues to remind us from time to time that he is here and cares. Shouldn't I do the same.
If she's not ready - that is fine. But if she is why not?
Does that make sense? Am I crazy?
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
). I find life to be really good and wake up every day seeing more positives than negatives.