Feel like I'm living the movie Groundhog Day...

[workinghardguy]

Journaling... pretty quiet day. Day started with me weighing myself, something I was quite apprehensive about considering my lack of PT last week and poor eating habits. But somehow I still dropped a half a pound. Certainly not the curve I've been on, but I'll take it nonetheless.

Was more productive at work today than I've been in the past. Didn't look at W's Facebook page once today and was only on here a couple of times Each time I felt some surge of emotion coming on I did my deep breathing and counted to 10. That helped a lot.

Updated the budget spreadsheet I did quite some time ago, when all this blew up actually, to see how my W would fare on her own. Emailed it to her with some information about how it worked but tried very hard to keep any editorializing out of it. She had asked for it to help her see the reality of the money. The numbers are in her hands now. I wash my hands of it.

I noticed today that I am finding my compassion and forgiveness coming back. When I think of my W it's more often a feeling of sorrow for her than anger. At least today it was.

Picked S up from school and we hung out. SS and SD got home and they all played. Fought to stay in the moment with them. We made dinner together with each kid fulfilling a role. W got home and she seemed very down. Finally I broke down and asked if she was tired (she looked tired). Turns out she had a patient code on her today and he died while she was giving him CPR. She was shaken and saddened by that plus physically tired from giving CPR for an hour. She talked it out and I just listened.

She went and laid down for a bit after supper. Kids helped me clean up and I went to practice the piano for the first time in a very long time (20 years). Kids were playing in the living room so it was nice to be alone with my music. I forgot how much I enjoy playing and creating music. After a while my S comes in and says "Daddy! I didn't know you could play the piano so well!" He sat down on my lap and we played a couple simple songs together. Then SD sat down next to me and I taught her some very basic piano concepts. She said she wants to learn more. I told her we could find some time each week and work on it together if she wants. W came downstairs later and S and SD had to tell her all about playing the piano and S had to tell her how well Daddy can play it. Thought that was a nice touch

Put kids to bed and I went downstairs to lift weights and watch football. After I was done I came upstairs and set up in the dining room to work on drafting some press releases and stuff for my volunteer work. After a while W got up from her computer and came and sat at the table with me to read the newspaper. Then struck up some conversation. Her head was hurting bad and she went to bed a little while after.

So more of the push/pull confusion stuff. But I'm better today. Second day of not wearing my wedding ring and it's different but ok. I'll be ok. Got my run in this morning and have to get to bed quick so I can get one in tomorrow too.